Football season is back and I have the same darn mixed emotions I do every year. I have grown up with this my whole life so of course it brings excitement, but also a little bit of stress. For those that may wonder what stresses a football coach may face they include (but are not limited to):
*Each game is a public reflection of your husband's job. A loss is bad a win is great. But so many factors go into these games including injuries, players daily performance, another team's preparation - it feels panicky and odd to not have any control. The worst things about a loss include the public coming up to you for the following week making casual comments when you're already stressing about said loss. Basically the stress surrounds the fact that these jobs are judged on wins and losses on 16 Sundays when 365 days of work have been done.
*The hours are tough. I stress my husband is eating well enough, working out, sleeping enough. People are often shocked to hear he goes in at 4 am on a typical weekday in football season and may not come home until 10, 11 or even later. As the week goes on the hours typically lighten but it is hard to watch him deteriorate at times physically throughout the season. I worry but I also know that there is no other job that would make him as happy so I do my best to support him in any way I can.
*I am pretty much in constant worry about our next job / move. This lifestyle is very transient and even though I have moved my whole life (born in New Orleans, Louisiana and have moved to Massachusetts, Texas, California, back to Texas, Wisconsin, Washington, back to Wisconsin, Nebraska, back to Texas, Florida, Ohio and now back to California. Yup.) it unfortunately doesn't get any easier. Having kids and moving their records or watching them struggle moving schools has been a bigger challenge than I envisioned and given me so much respect for how my mom handled it all growing up (with 5 kids!). She is a saint.
Those are just a few of the stresses I can think of off the top of my head. Here are some other goods and bad things about football season for a football wife.....
Good
Forced Independence
Before getting married to a football coach, I wouldn't have said that I was or wasn't independent. Probably somewhere in the middle. I enjoy my alone time but I love being social and around people. One thing about being a football wife is that is you have no choice but to be independent. Whether this means being the sole person responsible for the kids, household maintenance, car maintenance, or bills you are going to be the sole person responsible for everything during the season. I have removed dead lizards, fixed garage doors, been the house plumber, put lights in with ladders, put 2 kids to bed for 245 nights in a row alone. You learn to do it and you move on. And then when the spring comes and he's home at 5:45 I don't quite know what to do with myself, with help.
That is called the transition period. Every season when football begins, I have to get used to life without his help. Then when it's over, I have to get used to the fact that he is now actually looking at our account and the $200 Target bill. I think overall I have learned to be independent, asked for help if I am truly needing it, and to be, more than anything, self sufficient. Having a bad day? Up to me to get myself out of it. Insurance problem? Up to me to spend hours on the phone dealing with it. I have learned I am a much better plumber, electrician, and lizard warden than I would have guessed. Today my good friend Lisa's husband, who is my unofficial helper of all things, taught me how to program my garage door remotes and remove a door handle that was busted. In the past I have probably been too quick to assume I can't do the task at hand and the older I have gotten I am more open to learning to do things and taking on more household knowledge. It feels good to let go of assumed gender roles and feel confident that I can get just about anything done. And the money I am saving on a handyman can go straight to Anthropologie, thank you very much.
Bad
Lonely. Any way you cut it, not seeing your husband 95% of the evenings stretching from July 26 until mid January is hard. I miss him and I miss having someone to talk to. I find myself midseason striking up conversations with the nail tech, the dressing room attendant at Old Navy, any living and breathing person at the park. My poor mailman practically drives at 13 mph past my house and throws my mail out in fear that I am going to talk his ear off. I miss adult conversation and might have gone 20 hours without it! I miss my sounding board and quite frankly I miss my husband's hunky body. But with that being said it can be good to miss somebody. I appreciate him more and realize that I kind like when he's around.
If you have any questions about what this crazy lifestyle is like feel free to ask me, I love writing about this because it is theraputic for me! Off to my oldest's flag football practice for this mama :)
Love, Big Mama Taylor
Big Mama Taylor Blog
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Mom Problems
I am back to blogging because my husband so generously went to Best Buy on his short summer vacation (with all 4 kids!) and bought me a lap top! Doing this from the comfort of my bed is huge! While I realize lap tops have been around for about a million years I haven't owned one since grad school and so I would previously blog from my desk top computer either late at night when my kids went to bed or while they slowly destroyed our house. So, I just didn't blog. Being a fresh mom of 4 I am far too tired to do the late night at a desk top computer blogging thing, so I am thankful for this new opportunity to bed blog!
With all the technology offered to moms today, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be a mom in the 1800s. For reasons I can't explain I typically picture this life out in the open plains, like as in South Dakota or something. Chalk it up to playing too much Oregon Trail as a child or the fact that I had the American Girl Doll Kirstin, but when imagining myself as a mom 120 years ago, I picture covered wagons and prairie dresses.
Anyone that knows me well would probably laugh hysterically at this idea. I am a very typical mom of 2018. I like my iPhone, Instagram especially, online shopping, mapping things and never actually learning how to go anywhere, and adding things to my J. Crew cart while I pretend to work out hard on the spin bike. I like how my husband pre-orders the Starbucks and waltzes in to grab it and I love posting photos of my kids on Instagram in different filters and thinking about how cute they are. I don't love being over heated, dust in my eyes, or long rides in wagons. So although I would have found a way to rock that prairie dress, I promise you, I would not have probably been the best prairie mom and wife.
As for being a mom today, you have to be tough in different ways. Sure, I guess we don't have to worry about the next time we will have to pack the wagon and move along the trail, or dying because we drank bad water or rancid meat, but we have struggles. Mine come mostly in the form of worry. Am I cuddling them enough? Am I feeding them healthy food? They don't seem to be growing? At what point should I get a speech therapist for Luke? Emma Claire needs to learn how to swim and potty train. Milly spent far too long in her car seat today. Have I hugged Brooks in a week? Should he be doing school work during the summer to stay fresh? WOOF. I attribute a lot of these worries to too much information. Anytime my kids have the slightest ailment I like to take a quick 2 hour jaunt down a google rabbit hole and make myself insane. Then I enjoy telling my husband all about the insane diseases we all probably have while he slowly backs away half laughing half scared of me.
The second you have kids, your life and your brain are no longer your own. Those tiny humans have overtaken most of my daily thoughts and will continue to do so the rest of my life. I think anybody that is planning to be a parent realizes that the sacrifices will be enormous, and your life will never be the same. However, I am not sure I knew the magnitude of this until I had my own. Everything you ever do, for the rest of your life, is done with your children in mind. Every decision is reflected in them, every move you make throughout the day, is done around the fact that you are a mom. Everything changes in that moment of becoming a parent.
The following are a few things that I have done as a mom that I never imagined I would do in my pre kid visuals of being a mom. You know, the way we envision ourselves before we actually have the monsters. I was dang hot, got dressed every day, and I certainly didn't have stretch marks and yell things like "please stop licking the baby."
1) FINE, EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT I DON'T CARE
I make my kids a lot of really healthy foods then give in quickly and let them eat crap. I think we have all done it. Spent an hour long bath pinning recipes for quinoa raw hemp muffins only to get out, slave over them and spend $20 on the ingredients, then cave in 4 seconds when your kids writhe on the ground claiming it tastes like a tree. How do you know what a tree tastes like, I ask? Oh come on mom, I have licked more than 1 tree. Jesus take the wheel. Have you ever heard of dinosaur chicken? It's from a brand called Tyson and it's probably slowly killing us. We go through 3 bags a week.
2) WEIRD KOREAN BEAUTY TREATMENTS
I do weird beauty treatments to make myself feel better. They never work. You know what might work? Washing my face every night and applying any dang moisturizer on the planet. Literally my face is cracking off of my body it is so dry and yet I can't peel myself away from watching "Billions" on Netflix with my husband while housing my third bowl of high-calorie granola with whole milk for long enough to slap some cream on my sahara dessert of a face. When you're a mom who has nothing to do all day but take care of her kids and look like a hot mess you begin to look to quick fixes that might make you feel better for a last minute date night to the movies. And I order these things fully expecting them to change my life. One hour tanning creams, face masks from Asia that hurt to peel off, whatever Amazon tells me I need in the advertisements, I buy it and pray for a miracle. Every couple weeks I get fooled into thinking I need to be tan so I apply these tanning wipes to my body only to be reminded quickly that they make me turn orange and make my husband cringe. I just want to look like I came back from a weekend in Palm Springs resting and instead you can see all the veins in my thighs so clearly it's like a paint by numbers art project. I am so pale you can actually see blood running through my body. Given the flabbiness of my current body it is not a good combination. Someone please come out with a tanning cream that doesn't make me look orange and can be applied by a 3 year old. Include tiny gloves. Thank you.
3) BLACKOUT ONLINE SHOPPING
I order things online I don't need to give myself something to look forward to. Then I return them.
This one has been going on for years, and each year the guilt multiplies. It is definitely at it's peak worst when I was nursing, ordering baby items, bounce houses and odd beauty treatments all hopped on on nursing hormones. I remember one particular order, 24 dinosaur rings for my son, some nipple cream, a couple of offensive coozies for when I drink blue moon in the driveway with my children, and these house slippers that had mopping type stuff on the bottom that doubled as floor mopping when you walked around the house. I usually don't even remember ordering the items that I did mindlessly at 3 a.m. while somebody is suckling on my boob and I'm trying not to fall asleep on top of them, so when the items arrive it's like a weird version of Christmas with lots and lots of nipple cream. Moral of this story: Amazon return policy is kind of amazing. Also I know our delivery man Kevin way too well.
4) I DO SO MANY UNSANITARY THINGS
Sanitary flew out the window the first time I pulled on those enormous mesh panties after having my first child. It really left the building when I had visitor after visitor in the hospital and couldn't get out of bed so I just sat there in the hospital bed in a pool of my own afterbirth smiling like an idiot. From that point on I've been wiping butts and noses and carrying on with my life. I left the hand sanitizer in the dust. I am past the point of a squirt of hand sanitizer. I should probably be bathing in a huge tub of bleach every night for what I go through on a typical daily basis with four kids. If I washed my hands after every booger I'd have raw skin and the world would have no water. I don't carry hand sanitizer anymore and I've seen my younger son touch about 210 of those womanly receptacles at Target. They don't even alarm me now, I just get upset when he drops a toy in one. They may or may not call them treasure boxes. Cue dry heaving. Speaking of unsanitary I have taken not showering to a whole new level. I do a lot of baths and cheetah baths, which means taking a very hot wash cloth and washing just the important parts so your husband can make out with you without throwing up if you both actually stay up past 9. I have trained my hair to go a week without washing. It doesn't even get greasy anymore, it knows it won't be getting a washing for 7 more days and I know it's time to wash when it has an Ace Ventura standing straight up look without me actually touching it.
5) I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING
Weird things make me emotional. It might be my oldest losing another tooth and having adult chompers come in that look FAR too large for his mouth. It comes on without warning and I find myself incredibly emotional all of a sudden. I think the scariest part is I know he's old enough now to be in the stage where he will actually remember things and these memories could haunt him for life, so out the window goes all the naked around the house and the stakes have been lifted on making memories that won't send him to lots of therapy in his 30s, ya know what I mean? He will likely actually have these memories when he's a real adult. I used to make fun of the people who said that they were sad for milestones because I didn't understand it but I do now. There will never be another lost first tooth for Brooks, and that is just a stepping stone of his life that we have moved past.
6) THE WEIRDEST THINGS MAKE ME HAPPY
When you're a mom the saddest and tinniest things are the threads on which you are surviving and the things that make you happy. Buying a candle at TJ maxx might make my week. This is sad. This is the truth. I like to put those weird good smelling pebbles in the wash so that when I am doing 10 loads on a Tuesday it at least smells good. they are probably giving us cancer. Being alone in a car for 10 minutes and having a good cry is like a weeklong vacation. I have gotten a babysitter to sit in my own room and watch Fixer Upper before. You know what I do now? Get a babysitter to go to my room TO TAKE A NAP. If I am alone I want to sleep. Literally. That's it. Recently when I had a babysitter I fell asleep in the parking lot of a Home Goods while it was raining and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
*Disclaimer: even though I say things like my life is sad I am mostly kidding and trying to make a joke. I keep reproducing and I haven't left for Cuba yet, so I must be crazy about these monsters.
If you'll excuse me I have to get back to the typical duties of my day which include but are not limited to: wiping so many bottoms, cleaning broken fruit loops out of our leather couch that looks like it's been through a war, trying to do things to my face to make it not look like I have been run over by a freight train and returning things I bought on Amazon when I was sad. Hope your summer day is full of self motivated and unbored children and fun summer drinks.
PS now that I have my bed lap top I am hoping to do a lot more blogging so if there is a topic you would like to hear a lot more about like hospital mesh panties be sure to comment and let me know!
xo Big Mama
With all the technology offered to moms today, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be a mom in the 1800s. For reasons I can't explain I typically picture this life out in the open plains, like as in South Dakota or something. Chalk it up to playing too much Oregon Trail as a child or the fact that I had the American Girl Doll Kirstin, but when imagining myself as a mom 120 years ago, I picture covered wagons and prairie dresses.
Anyone that knows me well would probably laugh hysterically at this idea. I am a very typical mom of 2018. I like my iPhone, Instagram especially, online shopping, mapping things and never actually learning how to go anywhere, and adding things to my J. Crew cart while I pretend to work out hard on the spin bike. I like how my husband pre-orders the Starbucks and waltzes in to grab it and I love posting photos of my kids on Instagram in different filters and thinking about how cute they are. I don't love being over heated, dust in my eyes, or long rides in wagons. So although I would have found a way to rock that prairie dress, I promise you, I would not have probably been the best prairie mom and wife.
As for being a mom today, you have to be tough in different ways. Sure, I guess we don't have to worry about the next time we will have to pack the wagon and move along the trail, or dying because we drank bad water or rancid meat, but we have struggles. Mine come mostly in the form of worry. Am I cuddling them enough? Am I feeding them healthy food? They don't seem to be growing? At what point should I get a speech therapist for Luke? Emma Claire needs to learn how to swim and potty train. Milly spent far too long in her car seat today. Have I hugged Brooks in a week? Should he be doing school work during the summer to stay fresh? WOOF. I attribute a lot of these worries to too much information. Anytime my kids have the slightest ailment I like to take a quick 2 hour jaunt down a google rabbit hole and make myself insane. Then I enjoy telling my husband all about the insane diseases we all probably have while he slowly backs away half laughing half scared of me.
The second you have kids, your life and your brain are no longer your own. Those tiny humans have overtaken most of my daily thoughts and will continue to do so the rest of my life. I think anybody that is planning to be a parent realizes that the sacrifices will be enormous, and your life will never be the same. However, I am not sure I knew the magnitude of this until I had my own. Everything you ever do, for the rest of your life, is done with your children in mind. Every decision is reflected in them, every move you make throughout the day, is done around the fact that you are a mom. Everything changes in that moment of becoming a parent.
The following are a few things that I have done as a mom that I never imagined I would do in my pre kid visuals of being a mom. You know, the way we envision ourselves before we actually have the monsters. I was dang hot, got dressed every day, and I certainly didn't have stretch marks and yell things like "please stop licking the baby."
1) FINE, EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT I DON'T CARE
I make my kids a lot of really healthy foods then give in quickly and let them eat crap. I think we have all done it. Spent an hour long bath pinning recipes for quinoa raw hemp muffins only to get out, slave over them and spend $20 on the ingredients, then cave in 4 seconds when your kids writhe on the ground claiming it tastes like a tree. How do you know what a tree tastes like, I ask? Oh come on mom, I have licked more than 1 tree. Jesus take the wheel. Have you ever heard of dinosaur chicken? It's from a brand called Tyson and it's probably slowly killing us. We go through 3 bags a week.
2) WEIRD KOREAN BEAUTY TREATMENTS
I do weird beauty treatments to make myself feel better. They never work. You know what might work? Washing my face every night and applying any dang moisturizer on the planet. Literally my face is cracking off of my body it is so dry and yet I can't peel myself away from watching "Billions" on Netflix with my husband while housing my third bowl of high-calorie granola with whole milk for long enough to slap some cream on my sahara dessert of a face. When you're a mom who has nothing to do all day but take care of her kids and look like a hot mess you begin to look to quick fixes that might make you feel better for a last minute date night to the movies. And I order these things fully expecting them to change my life. One hour tanning creams, face masks from Asia that hurt to peel off, whatever Amazon tells me I need in the advertisements, I buy it and pray for a miracle. Every couple weeks I get fooled into thinking I need to be tan so I apply these tanning wipes to my body only to be reminded quickly that they make me turn orange and make my husband cringe. I just want to look like I came back from a weekend in Palm Springs resting and instead you can see all the veins in my thighs so clearly it's like a paint by numbers art project. I am so pale you can actually see blood running through my body. Given the flabbiness of my current body it is not a good combination. Someone please come out with a tanning cream that doesn't make me look orange and can be applied by a 3 year old. Include tiny gloves. Thank you.
3) BLACKOUT ONLINE SHOPPING
I order things online I don't need to give myself something to look forward to. Then I return them.
This one has been going on for years, and each year the guilt multiplies. It is definitely at it's peak worst when I was nursing, ordering baby items, bounce houses and odd beauty treatments all hopped on on nursing hormones. I remember one particular order, 24 dinosaur rings for my son, some nipple cream, a couple of offensive coozies for when I drink blue moon in the driveway with my children, and these house slippers that had mopping type stuff on the bottom that doubled as floor mopping when you walked around the house. I usually don't even remember ordering the items that I did mindlessly at 3 a.m. while somebody is suckling on my boob and I'm trying not to fall asleep on top of them, so when the items arrive it's like a weird version of Christmas with lots and lots of nipple cream. Moral of this story: Amazon return policy is kind of amazing. Also I know our delivery man Kevin way too well.
4) I DO SO MANY UNSANITARY THINGS
Sanitary flew out the window the first time I pulled on those enormous mesh panties after having my first child. It really left the building when I had visitor after visitor in the hospital and couldn't get out of bed so I just sat there in the hospital bed in a pool of my own afterbirth smiling like an idiot. From that point on I've been wiping butts and noses and carrying on with my life. I left the hand sanitizer in the dust. I am past the point of a squirt of hand sanitizer. I should probably be bathing in a huge tub of bleach every night for what I go through on a typical daily basis with four kids. If I washed my hands after every booger I'd have raw skin and the world would have no water. I don't carry hand sanitizer anymore and I've seen my younger son touch about 210 of those womanly receptacles at Target. They don't even alarm me now, I just get upset when he drops a toy in one. They may or may not call them treasure boxes. Cue dry heaving. Speaking of unsanitary I have taken not showering to a whole new level. I do a lot of baths and cheetah baths, which means taking a very hot wash cloth and washing just the important parts so your husband can make out with you without throwing up if you both actually stay up past 9. I have trained my hair to go a week without washing. It doesn't even get greasy anymore, it knows it won't be getting a washing for 7 more days and I know it's time to wash when it has an Ace Ventura standing straight up look without me actually touching it.
5) I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING
Weird things make me emotional. It might be my oldest losing another tooth and having adult chompers come in that look FAR too large for his mouth. It comes on without warning and I find myself incredibly emotional all of a sudden. I think the scariest part is I know he's old enough now to be in the stage where he will actually remember things and these memories could haunt him for life, so out the window goes all the naked around the house and the stakes have been lifted on making memories that won't send him to lots of therapy in his 30s, ya know what I mean? He will likely actually have these memories when he's a real adult. I used to make fun of the people who said that they were sad for milestones because I didn't understand it but I do now. There will never be another lost first tooth for Brooks, and that is just a stepping stone of his life that we have moved past.
6) THE WEIRDEST THINGS MAKE ME HAPPY
When you're a mom the saddest and tinniest things are the threads on which you are surviving and the things that make you happy. Buying a candle at TJ maxx might make my week. This is sad. This is the truth. I like to put those weird good smelling pebbles in the wash so that when I am doing 10 loads on a Tuesday it at least smells good. they are probably giving us cancer. Being alone in a car for 10 minutes and having a good cry is like a weeklong vacation. I have gotten a babysitter to sit in my own room and watch Fixer Upper before. You know what I do now? Get a babysitter to go to my room TO TAKE A NAP. If I am alone I want to sleep. Literally. That's it. Recently when I had a babysitter I fell asleep in the parking lot of a Home Goods while it was raining and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
*Disclaimer: even though I say things like my life is sad I am mostly kidding and trying to make a joke. I keep reproducing and I haven't left for Cuba yet, so I must be crazy about these monsters.
If you'll excuse me I have to get back to the typical duties of my day which include but are not limited to: wiping so many bottoms, cleaning broken fruit loops out of our leather couch that looks like it's been through a war, trying to do things to my face to make it not look like I have been run over by a freight train and returning things I bought on Amazon when I was sad. Hope your summer day is full of self motivated and unbored children and fun summer drinks.
PS now that I have my bed lap top I am hoping to do a lot more blogging so if there is a topic you would like to hear a lot more about like hospital mesh panties be sure to comment and let me know!
xo Big Mama
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Build a Bear
Ok mommies. Build a Bear. If you have never been to Build a Bear store, you will not appreciate this post to it's full capacity. I am going to tell you a short story about how having children made me realize I should never say things I am not going to do.
I am like any gal, who, before actually giving birth to tiny humans, thought that I would have the most insanely awesome spawn ever born that would come out looking like Tom Brady and/or Giselle, smell like baby heaven, and sleep through the night at 7 days old. Fast forward 6 years and I, NO JOKE, get into bed every single night, chuckle to myself, and say, "we made it out alive again." Like, WE MADE IT OUT OF THIS PARTICULAR DAY alive. I am on a day to day survival mode. My kids aren't that cute, one always has a crazy snotty nose, someone usually has issues with their bowel movements on any given day, I can't run a brush through my hair because it is constantly sticky. What happened to us, to me? Lawd, it's life but it's beautiful. I love every dirty french fry they eat and every time I've been barfed on because I do know what it is like to experience loss and pine for a child, and I prayed my heart out and wore my knees out praying for all my beautiful blessings.
BUT THIS IS SO HARD. And the hardest part might just be admitting defeat, and admitting things aren't necessarily as perfect as I thought they may be - point being - I am not the perfect mom I thought I would be. One line I love that I think I heard or read is that I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for them. WOAH. yea. And I am. They are mine, and they will annoy the cruddddd out of you, but they won't annoy me as much. Because I made them, that's why. Anyway, I have gotten off track, which is easy to do when your husband is away on a business trip looking at potential NFL draft picks and you are eating your favorite jalapeno chips and the diet coke you probably shouldn't have because it for sure is terrible for you, but gosh it burns so good in my throat.
This blog initially started because I went to Build a Bear for the first time with my children and I blacked out and spent their entire college tuition in 20 minutes. But before I get to that, I am going to tell you a couple other things that I said I would never do with my kids and I have SO DONE.
Give my children fast food
This one makes me giggle hard. I, as a young mom, was horrified that anyone would ever feed their beautiful child that satan food filled with preservatives and (gasp, throw up, gag) trans fat. HOW COULD YOU. Are you that lazy that you don't have sliced peppers, tiny cheese and ultra filtered smart water on you at all times? You are poisoning your child and I am just so sad. Fast forward a few years, and my son's favorite cheeseburger is from Carl's Jr. As in, he has had a LOT of cheeseburgers and knows what he likes and what he doesn't. Just recently we were at Target (duh), and he was overtired begging me in a very loud voice "Can I PLEAAAAASE just go to dinner at Carl's! I felt like every mom was hitting me with those judgy eyes as my son presumably begged to go to dinner at some creepy guy's house named Carl while I looked at every single Cat and Jack item in Target and pondered how much I could spend and still make rent. When we lived in Ohio I discovered a McDonald's that had an enclosed play area that sounded an alarm if they exited, so it actually became our second home. We got to know every worker by name, and we called it the "far away Mcdonald's" because it was actually about 14 minutes away. Yet I drove to it, often, because of said enclosed area, where I could close my eyes for 7 seconds and eat an ice cream cone in peace. Towards the end of our time in Ohio our children were given free chocolate milk at this place because they knew us so well, and I am pretty sure the employees thought we were very sad people. Also, side note, my third child had a french fry at 5 months old. Mike drop.
Allow my children to watch electronics I read many articles that talked about the importance of never placing your children in front of a tv. I read them, and I dully noted them. And then I had a child, and I gained 49 pounds, and it stuck to my body like putting on pleather pants with lotion on, and I gently placed my kid in front of sesame street in a bouncer so I could run on the treadmill next to him cursing said 38 pounds that remained after I pushed him out. I also claimed when my first was a baby that I would never be that family allowing Ipads at restaurants, but fast forward a few years and if I want anything that doesn't resemble actual tiny people not revolting in a Mexican restaurant, it's best I let these little people do a few snap chats while I shove some queso in my mouth and guzzle amargarita diet coke.
Be off any sort of schedule This one actually makes me belly laugh as I type it. Our first child had pretty severe reflux and spent the better part of his first year vomiting 10-30 times a day anywhere and everywhere, so I did attempt to get him on some sort of schedule when he wasn't projectile puking or screaming. After that it has honestly been pure anarchy. I mean honestly every day it's a miracle we are all alive let alone napping on a schedule. My third baby nurses on demand which means I have breastfed her pushing around a Target cart while my 6 year old begs for dinner at Carl's and my 4 year old jumps through every square slowly and cries if I want to go too fast for him to not hit every square. And that life doesn't exactly fit in with 2 naps a day for an infant. Luckily, this third baby is one cool chick, and pretty much just rolls with the punches. She has probably taken more naps in her carseat in Target than her actual crib but I am afraid to actually count and compare. I'm sure I'll pay for it when she is 13.
Curse my children under my breath Alright this one is sort of a joke but not really sorry. Anyone that actually knows me knows that I feel my husband, my children, and my family are the biggest blessings from God and I am beyond thankful for them every day. But you also know I may say "gosh darn you little bugger" (or something to that affect) under my breathe a few thousand hundred times a day because this momming things is REALLY REALLY HARD. It is really hard to say that you little people are going to come before me every second of every day, and I am going to handle it all, and be happy. Sometimes, when they're blasting fart after fart on the fart noise machine the Easter Bunny gave them at 6:17 a.m., things become real, and mama may mutter something to herself. Ain't no shame in my game. Then I have the coffee, and I go on a short run, and I am a lot nicer. Sorta.
So speaking of cursing under my breath, the real reason this blog post started is Build a Bear. Y'all why did I not invent this. My kids LOVE stuffed animals. They really love getting stuffed animals at thrift stores like Goodwill which of course THRILLS me to bring those sacks of fleas into my house. Their second favorite place would probably be to get them in claw machines, particularly ones that cost 2 dollars and are actually impossible to win at. But forget those places because we are actually never doing anything else, ever, besides Build a Bear. It's over. Build a Bear has won their hearts and that is actually all we will probably ever talk about until we all die.
I had never been to this place, the Disneyworld of stuffed animals if you will. I had my amazing sisters visiting for the week, who were insanely wonderful to my kids and spoiled them with attention for 7 days straight. We wanted to wander the mall, and we kept dangling the store as a carrot to them so that we could wander through Paper Source and Anthropologie. I figured we would walk in, I would force them to pick the smallest one available, and we would be out of there in 20 minutes and $30 bucks later. I have never been more wrong in my life.
I had purposely avoided this store because I had heard it was pricey, and my kids already have one zillion (flea infested) stuffed animals. Now we are sucked in to the magic that is Build a Bear and I have to commend them. The second we walked in, I was busy making sure that the baby wasn't pulling down an enormous display of shoes for the stuffed animals while a Build a Bear employee whisked away my eager boys to build the most expensive stuffed animal that was ever made.
Smartly, Build a Bear charges you for every single item you pick as you build the dang animal. So if you ask a small child, do you want your stuffed animal to have a voice? Do you want it to have a heart? Do you want it to have a smell? What do you think they're going to say? HELL YES LADY! This is the best day of my life, I'm usually picking one-eyed snakes at Goodwill that are mysteriously missing half their stuffing and smell like an Indian restaurant. Don't know how I got here but let's turn this mother out!
So while I was pulling a used hairbrush that my baby somehow found in the corner of the store out of her mouth, my children were adding hearts, smells, and sounds to their stuffed animals, and I was slowly losing our retirement fund. I am not even sure what exactly happened between the time we walked in the store and I checked out because I actually think there was a period I blacked out, but my children somehow weaseled ridiculous plastic outfits, sunglasses for their bears, birth certificates for them, boxes that are their homes and they have been sleeping in, and also the said noises, smells and some heartbeat or something. My oldest really wanted a motorcycle for his Pokemon stuffed thing but I had come to by that point and declined the motorcycle for the Build a Bear. I realized at that point that these Build a Bears were living better than me. I was in dirty workout clothes with unwashed hair, and I don't think I brushed my teeth, and these build a bears were in shiny new clothes and accessories, staring me down and mocking all my no fast food dreams of years past.
The point of this post is first of all, Build a Bear you are to kids what Target is to moms and Vegas is to my husband. Once you're in, you actually black out and have no idea what is happening until check out. Money is no object and all things are needed. I commend you ability to create this store and truly wish I would have created the stuffing machine and all the ideas, because you're a beautiful genius. I love to be reminded that making plans with kids is laughable. My kids have since been OBSESSED with their bears, putting them to bed at night and talking about them and all their hopes and dreams for life. One big topic has been how they are their dad, their sister Emma Claire is their shared mom, and I am the grandma. We will talk about how creepy that is another day.
Bottom line is, as a parent, I am going to say that I am never gonna do so much stuff. But when push comes to shove, I will be so thrilled if I get out of this crazy ride alive and my kids aren't horrible people. I just want them to love Jesus, love each other, and do something slightly productive in the world, more importantly, that they love. And also, be kind. I think it would be nice if they liked endorphins and travel and found a wonderful person to share their life with but I am just working on not saying Poop in every sentence right now. I will always remember that day in Build a Bear when their eyes were lit with a fire that all kids should have when they actually are choosing a stuffed animal that isn't from Goodwill, but built with every single thing chosen by their loves at that moment. I love you my little monsters and all the crazy energy you bring to our (very messy) house.
If you are a new mom, and you are telling yourself that you are never going to feed your child a french fry, go off their nap schedule, or venture into Build a Bear, I suggest you take a good long look at reality and check yourself, because parenthood is french fries and Bears on roller skates baby. If you are a fellow mom who has been Build a Bear taken, I hope that sparkly purple cat your child made entertains them until they move out of the house to become a doctor and take care of you forever.
xoxo Big Mama
I am like any gal, who, before actually giving birth to tiny humans, thought that I would have the most insanely awesome spawn ever born that would come out looking like Tom Brady and/or Giselle, smell like baby heaven, and sleep through the night at 7 days old. Fast forward 6 years and I, NO JOKE, get into bed every single night, chuckle to myself, and say, "we made it out alive again." Like, WE MADE IT OUT OF THIS PARTICULAR DAY alive. I am on a day to day survival mode. My kids aren't that cute, one always has a crazy snotty nose, someone usually has issues with their bowel movements on any given day, I can't run a brush through my hair because it is constantly sticky. What happened to us, to me? Lawd, it's life but it's beautiful. I love every dirty french fry they eat and every time I've been barfed on because I do know what it is like to experience loss and pine for a child, and I prayed my heart out and wore my knees out praying for all my beautiful blessings.
BUT THIS IS SO HARD. And the hardest part might just be admitting defeat, and admitting things aren't necessarily as perfect as I thought they may be - point being - I am not the perfect mom I thought I would be. One line I love that I think I heard or read is that I may not be a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for them. WOAH. yea. And I am. They are mine, and they will annoy the cruddddd out of you, but they won't annoy me as much. Because I made them, that's why. Anyway, I have gotten off track, which is easy to do when your husband is away on a business trip looking at potential NFL draft picks and you are eating your favorite jalapeno chips and the diet coke you probably shouldn't have because it for sure is terrible for you, but gosh it burns so good in my throat.
This blog initially started because I went to Build a Bear for the first time with my children and I blacked out and spent their entire college tuition in 20 minutes. But before I get to that, I am going to tell you a couple other things that I said I would never do with my kids and I have SO DONE.
Give my children fast food
This one makes me giggle hard. I, as a young mom, was horrified that anyone would ever feed their beautiful child that satan food filled with preservatives and (gasp, throw up, gag) trans fat. HOW COULD YOU. Are you that lazy that you don't have sliced peppers, tiny cheese and ultra filtered smart water on you at all times? You are poisoning your child and I am just so sad. Fast forward a few years, and my son's favorite cheeseburger is from Carl's Jr. As in, he has had a LOT of cheeseburgers and knows what he likes and what he doesn't. Just recently we were at Target (duh), and he was overtired begging me in a very loud voice "Can I PLEAAAAASE just go to dinner at Carl's! I felt like every mom was hitting me with those judgy eyes as my son presumably begged to go to dinner at some creepy guy's house named Carl while I looked at every single Cat and Jack item in Target and pondered how much I could spend and still make rent. When we lived in Ohio I discovered a McDonald's that had an enclosed play area that sounded an alarm if they exited, so it actually became our second home. We got to know every worker by name, and we called it the "far away Mcdonald's" because it was actually about 14 minutes away. Yet I drove to it, often, because of said enclosed area, where I could close my eyes for 7 seconds and eat an ice cream cone in peace. Towards the end of our time in Ohio our children were given free chocolate milk at this place because they knew us so well, and I am pretty sure the employees thought we were very sad people. Also, side note, my third child had a french fry at 5 months old. Mike drop.
Allow my children to watch electronics I read many articles that talked about the importance of never placing your children in front of a tv. I read them, and I dully noted them. And then I had a child, and I gained 49 pounds, and it stuck to my body like putting on pleather pants with lotion on, and I gently placed my kid in front of sesame street in a bouncer so I could run on the treadmill next to him cursing said 38 pounds that remained after I pushed him out. I also claimed when my first was a baby that I would never be that family allowing Ipads at restaurants, but fast forward a few years and if I want anything that doesn't resemble actual tiny people not revolting in a Mexican restaurant, it's best I let these little people do a few snap chats while I shove some queso in my mouth and guzzle a
Be off any sort of schedule This one actually makes me belly laugh as I type it. Our first child had pretty severe reflux and spent the better part of his first year vomiting 10-30 times a day anywhere and everywhere, so I did attempt to get him on some sort of schedule when he wasn't projectile puking or screaming. After that it has honestly been pure anarchy. I mean honestly every day it's a miracle we are all alive let alone napping on a schedule. My third baby nurses on demand which means I have breastfed her pushing around a Target cart while my 6 year old begs for dinner at Carl's and my 4 year old jumps through every square slowly and cries if I want to go too fast for him to not hit every square. And that life doesn't exactly fit in with 2 naps a day for an infant. Luckily, this third baby is one cool chick, and pretty much just rolls with the punches. She has probably taken more naps in her carseat in Target than her actual crib but I am afraid to actually count and compare. I'm sure I'll pay for it when she is 13.
Curse my children under my breath Alright this one is sort of a joke but not really sorry. Anyone that actually knows me knows that I feel my husband, my children, and my family are the biggest blessings from God and I am beyond thankful for them every day. But you also know I may say "gosh darn you little bugger" (or something to that affect) under my breathe a few thousand hundred times a day because this momming things is REALLY REALLY HARD. It is really hard to say that you little people are going to come before me every second of every day, and I am going to handle it all, and be happy. Sometimes, when they're blasting fart after fart on the fart noise machine the Easter Bunny gave them at 6:17 a.m., things become real, and mama may mutter something to herself. Ain't no shame in my game. Then I have the coffee, and I go on a short run, and I am a lot nicer. Sorta.
So speaking of cursing under my breath, the real reason this blog post started is Build a Bear. Y'all why did I not invent this. My kids LOVE stuffed animals. They really love getting stuffed animals at thrift stores like Goodwill which of course THRILLS me to bring those sacks of fleas into my house. Their second favorite place would probably be to get them in claw machines, particularly ones that cost 2 dollars and are actually impossible to win at. But forget those places because we are actually never doing anything else, ever, besides Build a Bear. It's over. Build a Bear has won their hearts and that is actually all we will probably ever talk about until we all die.
I had never been to this place, the Disneyworld of stuffed animals if you will. I had my amazing sisters visiting for the week, who were insanely wonderful to my kids and spoiled them with attention for 7 days straight. We wanted to wander the mall, and we kept dangling the store as a carrot to them so that we could wander through Paper Source and Anthropologie. I figured we would walk in, I would force them to pick the smallest one available, and we would be out of there in 20 minutes and $30 bucks later. I have never been more wrong in my life.
I had purposely avoided this store because I had heard it was pricey, and my kids already have one zillion (flea infested) stuffed animals. Now we are sucked in to the magic that is Build a Bear and I have to commend them. The second we walked in, I was busy making sure that the baby wasn't pulling down an enormous display of shoes for the stuffed animals while a Build a Bear employee whisked away my eager boys to build the most expensive stuffed animal that was ever made.
Smartly, Build a Bear charges you for every single item you pick as you build the dang animal. So if you ask a small child, do you want your stuffed animal to have a voice? Do you want it to have a heart? Do you want it to have a smell? What do you think they're going to say? HELL YES LADY! This is the best day of my life, I'm usually picking one-eyed snakes at Goodwill that are mysteriously missing half their stuffing and smell like an Indian restaurant. Don't know how I got here but let's turn this mother out!
So while I was pulling a used hairbrush that my baby somehow found in the corner of the store out of her mouth, my children were adding hearts, smells, and sounds to their stuffed animals, and I was slowly losing our retirement fund. I am not even sure what exactly happened between the time we walked in the store and I checked out because I actually think there was a period I blacked out, but my children somehow weaseled ridiculous plastic outfits, sunglasses for their bears, birth certificates for them, boxes that are their homes and they have been sleeping in, and also the said noises, smells and some heartbeat or something. My oldest really wanted a motorcycle for his Pokemon stuffed thing but I had come to by that point and declined the motorcycle for the Build a Bear. I realized at that point that these Build a Bears were living better than me. I was in dirty workout clothes with unwashed hair, and I don't think I brushed my teeth, and these build a bears were in shiny new clothes and accessories, staring me down and mocking all my no fast food dreams of years past.
The point of this post is first of all, Build a Bear you are to kids what Target is to moms and Vegas is to my husband. Once you're in, you actually black out and have no idea what is happening until check out. Money is no object and all things are needed. I commend you ability to create this store and truly wish I would have created the stuffing machine and all the ideas, because you're a beautiful genius. I love to be reminded that making plans with kids is laughable. My kids have since been OBSESSED with their bears, putting them to bed at night and talking about them and all their hopes and dreams for life. One big topic has been how they are their dad, their sister Emma Claire is their shared mom, and I am the grandma. We will talk about how creepy that is another day.
Bottom line is, as a parent, I am going to say that I am never gonna do so much stuff. But when push comes to shove, I will be so thrilled if I get out of this crazy ride alive and my kids aren't horrible people. I just want them to love Jesus, love each other, and do something slightly productive in the world, more importantly, that they love. And also, be kind. I think it would be nice if they liked endorphins and travel and found a wonderful person to share their life with but I am just working on not saying Poop in every sentence right now. I will always remember that day in Build a Bear when their eyes were lit with a fire that all kids should have when they actually are choosing a stuffed animal that isn't from Goodwill, but built with every single thing chosen by their loves at that moment. I love you my little monsters and all the crazy energy you bring to our (very messy) house.
If you are a new mom, and you are telling yourself that you are never going to feed your child a french fry, go off their nap schedule, or venture into Build a Bear, I suggest you take a good long look at reality and check yourself, because parenthood is french fries and Bears on roller skates baby. If you are a fellow mom who has been Build a Bear taken, I hope that sparkly purple cat your child made entertains them until they move out of the house to become a doctor and take care of you forever.
xoxo Big Mama
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Back to blogging again
Alright here I go again. Haven't blogged in like 7 decades but I truly enjoy doing it and I think it's good for my brain so I am going to try to get going again. I spent a ridiculous stupid amount of time trying to renew my blog site because I had let it expire. That is what happens when you have a third kid and don't sleep for 10 or so months. I thought that I had paid to renew it (there's $10 I don't think I will ever see again) only to find out that I am pretty sure a Chinese company now owns bigmamataylor.com? I have no idea but I think my new blog website is https://thatbigmamataylor.blogspot.com so stay with me because I am a big dumb computer idiot baby who needs a drink every time I try to do anything more than check my email. However, I do want to get back into blogging because it brings me joy and I think if I don't start using my brain the theme song for Spongebob will get permanently stuck. Forever.
One thing I want to do with getting back up and blogging is post a little bit of fashion. I have zero clue what I am doing getting dressed every day, and I don't even know how to post a live instagram story. I am not a fashion blogger-but I do love shopping, clothes and I do love a bargain. I think I have a talent for finding a trend I like and finding that trend for the cheapest possible price online whether it be finding it on a cheap knockoff site or just waiting for a sale plus a promotion code plus a prayer.
I love the new developments of all these fashion bloggers that give me easy links to find fun new clothes. My bank and my budget do not like these so much but that's for another day. What I hope to dp is show you my outfits from time to time when I manage to escape my house in normal human clothes and tell you where I got my deals and steals, or what I am eyeing. This is in addition to all the blogs I plan to write about parenting advice. I've got oodles and frankly I am really good at it. This is my oldest child right before bed tonight. He told me that if I was pregnant (I am not) that he could use the baby zapper (weird gun thing he is holding) to grow the baby with fast lightening speed and also make it the strongest super power baby in the world. I told him I wasn't pregnant, and he ignored me and walked off and continued to stay dressed like that for 20 more minutes. I was intrigued with this whole grow the baby faster thing though because I love my babies but I do not love my pregnancies. Will circle back to this at a later date.
I've got what I like to call a highly functional mom body which means this: my bum and boobs aren't what they used to be but I like to eat healthy and my 3 kids keep me moving for roughly 19 hours of the day so things aren't that bad. I mean they could be worse. My boobs look you took a nice normal 14 year old's boobs and let a 20 pound weight hang on them for fun for like a month. I have to lay down to fit my bottom into all of my pants that have a button and I usually need a 2-7 minute break and a breather afterwards. Also it makes me sweaty to put on pants of any kind. At 3 months postpartum with each of my children I called my mom crying in a deep dark depression because I just had a butt that wouldn't stop growing. But each time, post each of my kids, my body did find it's happy point at about 9 months. That means 10 months of pregnancy, plus 9 months of post-partum recovery, I roughly spend 19 months not really loving my body. Horrible to say but that is the reality.
It is true as I have gotten older I really just don't care as much and I appreciate what I do have more and worry less about how my arms look in a tank top. I've settled into this lower gravity version of me and I am thankful that I have been lucky enough to carry three beautiful kiddos and my body makes a normal amount of breast milk as long as I ask it to. Like I said, things could be worse.
So one thing that drives me crazy about most fashion blogs is that I feel it's unrealistic. First of all, if I ever wanted someone to take a picture of me I've got nothin'. My husband works crazy hours and I am pretty sure if I asked him to take a picture of me in a cute part of town in a new outfit every few days he would burst out laughing or ask me if I was feeling ok. That leaves my 6 year old as the only other option but if you saw the picture above you would agree he can't be trusted. So this is how it'll go down. I want to show what it's really like to be a mom getting dressed and how I've usually got 3 kids climbing all over me as I try to gently lay my sad droopy boobs into whatever one shoulder ruffle number is hot at the moment. So I am always going to try to post one picture of me really getting dressed in whatever clothes I really had on before with whatever slimy children are on top of me in my bathroom.
Saturday it was just my baby Emma Claire because my husband was with the Kids at a viewing of Boss Baby. Emma Claire and I went too and shared a chipolte burrito to start but we bolted when she fell asleep and I was pathetically sad because the movie is actually funny. Go see it!
So we ran home to change for a friend's BBQ (thanks for having us Megan!) and here is what I looked like at first, with a baby that was trying to eat my lotion as I attempted to put lots of dry shampoo in my hair.
And here is what I looked like 10 minutes later, and you can see Emma Claire's foot in the mirror there for proof that this is the same day hahaha.
Below are my outfit details. It was a good functional classic mom outfit and it served it's purpose for a fun Saturday afternoon. I am enjoying that linen is coming back in right now because I have always loved it. I think it has a sweet airy British feel to it like I'm Princess Kate just breezing through the Farmer's Market in my perfectly rumpled linen button down. In reality I have baby food in my hair and I haven't showered in 3 days, but since linen is always rumpled, it's our little secret.
Top
This is a great, soft and generous fitting tank that I will wear all the time. It's nice with short shorts since it hangs loosely so you don't feel like a hoochie mom. It has washed really well and has a much more expensive look and feel than it's Merona Target price tag. Me likey.
Target White Tank
Target White Tank
Shorts
The shorts were on sale on J. Crew on Saturday so if I had just posted yesterday I would have a link but they sold out! I actually got them in the store in California last week so I bet they are still in most stores. I love the flutter detail it adds just a fun little extra.
There are a couple more linen shorts I've had my eye on. I tried on Old Navy's linen shorts recently and loved how they fit. You can't beat Old Navy's pricing and constant coupons. Currently 40% off everything, no code needed. They don't even care when you're lazy. The pink color is really nice in person.
Old Navy Linen Shorts
Old Navy Linen Shorts
I would probably never spend $70 on shorts unless I had a weird surplus of money (hello birthday in May) but if I did I am kind of obsessed with these precious Boden linen shorts, and especially in this stripey color.
Shoes
I got these awesome Tory Burch espadrilles at Nordstrom Rack in Thousand Oaks, California when she was visiting last week. They are really comfortable and I think I will wear them all the time. They weren't on the Nordstrom Rack site but I found a few others that I think are so cute.
I love these flower ones, they are hitting on so many trends. Not sure how fast one of my kids would throw up on them in all white, but somebody needs them :)
I am crushing on these bow sneakers I keep seeing on all the blogs I follow. They seem to look cute with everything from shorts to pencil jeans to little dresses. I am liking them in the white leather. I may need them.
Thanks for reading and sorry about the long break in the Big Mama world!
xo Big Mama
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Being a mom is hard and weird
Yesterday I begged someone to strip my membranes. How did I get here?
I am 38 weeks pregnant and I am on day 4 of the flu, which by the way is the 8th circle of hell and I am so sorry if I ever underestimated anyone with the flu. It is terrible. I don't get the flu shot because my son had a bizarre reaction to the flu shot at age 2 and had a really weird rash and we couldn't go to the gym, i.e. free day care for like 2 weeks. I'll never forget it, it scarred me for life. Also what can I say I like to gamble. Well the flu blows and the only way to make it worse is to mix in the fact that I am currently waddling around with a 6-7 pound bowling ball sitting on my bladder, I'm 40 pounds heavier than I am used to being, I can't down the medicine with a cold glass of chardonnay, and the list goes on. I wrote a blog about how pregnancy is hard and karma decided to do a roundabout kick in the nuts and slap me with the flu as payback. The very nice doctor in the urgent care asked me probably 62 times where I picked up the flu to which I finally yelled back "I have no idea I don't go anywhere!"
So. The last week or so of my life has been a wretched disaster and it ruined my plans to get my membranes stripped. We read things about how you should wait for the baby to be ready and all that junk and yes that's beautiful, whenever you're ready little nugget. Except your dad has to be recruiting Oklahoma and Texas on your due date and your grandma is coming for 2 weeks and I want to take full advantage, so I planned to have my membranes stripped at 38 weeks and they promised me they would. So I had it circled on my calendar like it was a trip to Tory Burch flagship store in New York City with champagne because it gave me hope. Maybe it was false hope and you'd be in there laughing hysterically clinging to my placenta for dear life saying not time yet lady, but any shred of hope at this stage in pregnancy is all we need to survive.
So when I go to the doctor and they tell me that I can't get my membranes stripped because I am 38 weeks pregnant with the flu, I think it's understandable that a tornado of hormones is unleashed upon the office at Good Samaritan hospital. I started to beg anyone who would listen to strip my membranes. I think I blacked out and asked a dad in the lobby if he knew how. I whispered to any nurse in the hallway who would listen if there are any shady doctors who would do it on the side. I'll meet them in an ally, I'll slip them cash. Is there a black market membrane stripping center, I shouted throughout the office. Then I reached a low. All hopped up on Tamiflu I stumbled to my car and actually googled "can I strip my own membranes." If I had had a coffee to drink while I read I probably would have educated myself and done it right there. Instead I realized the low point I was at, and did what any normal pregnant lady would do. Blasted Christian radio, sobbed and drove home with my fully intact vagina and membranes.
Here is what this situation taught me. This mom stuff makes us do some crazy things. Here I am. I am a mom, soon to be a mom of 3 kids. I look exactly like what you picture. I've got on black yoga pants and I didn't work out today. My sad boobs are stuffed inside a weird old bra from Forever21 that is at least a decade old but doesn't have underwire or buckles so it slides easily over my head. Which is a head of unwashed hair mixed with crows feet, bags under my eyes, and there might be food in my hair depending on the day and the mealtime. If you had told me when I was 23 at happy hour that in just 9 short years I would be weighing in the 160s googling things in my car like how to strip my own membranes, I wouldn't have believed you and laughed in your face. But you don't get here overnight. It's a slow long process that gets you to the crazy mom stuff. Here are some other fun things I do.
1) I make my kids a lot of really healthy foods then give in quickly and let them eat crap
I think we have all done it. Spent an hour long bath pinning recipes for quinoa raw hemp muffins only to get out, slave over them and spend $20 on the ingredients, then cave in 4 seconds when your kids writhe on the ground claiming it tastes like the tree they just licked. Have you ever heard of dinosaur chicken? It's from a brand called Tyson and it's probably slowly killing us. We go through 3 bags a week.
2) I do weird beauty treatments to make myself feel better
When you're a mom who has nothing to do all day but take care of her kids and look like a hot mess you begin to look to quick fixes that might make you feel better for a last minute date night to the movies. Every couple weeks I get fooled into thinking I need to be more tan so I apply these tanning wipes to my body only to be reminded quickly that they make me turn orange and make my husband cringe. I just want to look like I came back from a weekend at Coachella and instead you can see all the veins in my thighs. I am so pale you can actually see blood running through my body. Given the flabbiness of my current body it is not a good combination. Someone please come out with a tanning cream that doesn't make me look orange and can be applied by a 3 year old. Include tiny gloves. Thank you.
3) I order things online I don't need to give myself something to look forward to. Then I return them.
This one has been going on for years, and each year the guilt multiplies. It got the worst when I was nursing so I'm ready to gear up again for middle of the night weird orders when I'm all hopped on on nursing hormones. I remember one particular order, 24 dinosaur rings for my son, some nipple cream, a couple of offensive coozies for when I drink blue moon in the driveway with my children, and these house slippers that had mopping type stuff on the bottom that doubled as floor mopping when you walked around the house. I usually don't even remember ordering the items that I did mindlessly at 3 a.m. while somebody is suckling on my boob and I'm trying not to fall asleep on top of them, so when the items arrive it's like a weird version of Christmas with lots and lots of nipple cream.
4) I do unsanitary things left and right
Sanitary flew out the window the first time I pulled on those enormous mesh panties after having my first child. It really left the building when I had visitor after visitor in the hospital and couldn't get out of bed so I just sat there in the hospital bed in a pool of my own afterbirth smiling like an idiot. From that point on I've been wiping butts and noses and carrying on with my life. If I washed my hands after every booger I'd have raw skin and no the world would have no water. I don't carry hand sanitizer and I've seen my younger son touch about 210 of those womanly receptacles at Target. They don't even alarm me now, I just get upset when he drops a toy in one. Speaking of unsanitary I have taken not showering to a whole new level. I do a lot of baths and cheetah baths, which means taking a very hot wash cloth and washing just the important parts so your husband can make out with you without throwing up if you both actually stay up past 9. I have trained my hair to go a week without washing. It doesn't even get greasy anymore, it knows it won't be getting a washing for 7 more days and it just has to hold tight.
5) Weird things make me emotional
Last Friday my older son lost his first tooth. I had zero warning and found myself incredibly emotional all of a sudden. It's weird enough to think I'll have a kindergartner in just a few short months, now I've got a partially toothless, like real kid. I think the scariest part is I know he's old enough now to be in the stage where he will actually remember things and these memories could haunt him for life, so out the window goes all the naked around the house and the stakes have been lifted on making memories, ya know what I mean? He will like actually have these memories when he's 30. I used to make fun of the people who said that they were sad for milestones because I didn't understand it but I do now. There will never be another lost first tooth for Brooks, and that is just a stepping stone of his life that we have moved past. Now, there will still be a first tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy because he swallowed it and I want to throw up just typing about it. He was naturally eating a 1 lb block of cheese before soccer practice and suddenly asked why there was blood in the huge chunk of cheese. Upon minor inspection we realized he had lost a tooth and the tooth was nowhere to be found, so he must have swallowed it, so then I cried and was grossed out all at the same time.
6) Weird things make me happy
When you're a mom the saddest and tinniest things are the threads on which you are surviving and the things that make you happy. Buying a candle at TJ maxx might make my week. This is sad. This is the truth. I like to put those weird good smelling pebbles in the wash so that when I am doing 10 loads on a Tuesday it at least smells good. Being alone in a car for 10 minutes and having a good cry is like a weeklong vacation. I have gotten a babysitter to sit in my own room and watch Fixer Upper before. Last week when I had a babysitter I fell asleep in the parking lot of a Home Goods while it was raining and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
*Disclaimer: even though I say things like my life is sad I am mostly kidding and trying to make a joke. I keep reproducing and I haven't left for Cuba yet, so I must be crazy about these monsters.
If you'll excuse me I have to get back to the typical duties of my day which include but are not limited to: wiping toddlers butts after they poop, cleaning broken fruit loops out of our leather couch that looks like it's been to war, and returning things I bought on Amazon when I was sad. Happy Mother's Day!
xo Big Mama
I am 38 weeks pregnant and I am on day 4 of the flu, which by the way is the 8th circle of hell and I am so sorry if I ever underestimated anyone with the flu. It is terrible. I don't get the flu shot because my son had a bizarre reaction to the flu shot at age 2 and had a really weird rash and we couldn't go to the gym, i.e. free day care for like 2 weeks. I'll never forget it, it scarred me for life. Also what can I say I like to gamble. Well the flu blows and the only way to make it worse is to mix in the fact that I am currently waddling around with a 6-7 pound bowling ball sitting on my bladder, I'm 40 pounds heavier than I am used to being, I can't down the medicine with a cold glass of chardonnay, and the list goes on. I wrote a blog about how pregnancy is hard and karma decided to do a roundabout kick in the nuts and slap me with the flu as payback. The very nice doctor in the urgent care asked me probably 62 times where I picked up the flu to which I finally yelled back "I have no idea I don't go anywhere!"
So. The last week or so of my life has been a wretched disaster and it ruined my plans to get my membranes stripped. We read things about how you should wait for the baby to be ready and all that junk and yes that's beautiful, whenever you're ready little nugget. Except your dad has to be recruiting Oklahoma and Texas on your due date and your grandma is coming for 2 weeks and I want to take full advantage, so I planned to have my membranes stripped at 38 weeks and they promised me they would. So I had it circled on my calendar like it was a trip to Tory Burch flagship store in New York City with champagne because it gave me hope. Maybe it was false hope and you'd be in there laughing hysterically clinging to my placenta for dear life saying not time yet lady, but any shred of hope at this stage in pregnancy is all we need to survive.
So when I go to the doctor and they tell me that I can't get my membranes stripped because I am 38 weeks pregnant with the flu, I think it's understandable that a tornado of hormones is unleashed upon the office at Good Samaritan hospital. I started to beg anyone who would listen to strip my membranes. I think I blacked out and asked a dad in the lobby if he knew how. I whispered to any nurse in the hallway who would listen if there are any shady doctors who would do it on the side. I'll meet them in an ally, I'll slip them cash. Is there a black market membrane stripping center, I shouted throughout the office. Then I reached a low. All hopped up on Tamiflu I stumbled to my car and actually googled "can I strip my own membranes." If I had had a coffee to drink while I read I probably would have educated myself and done it right there. Instead I realized the low point I was at, and did what any normal pregnant lady would do. Blasted Christian radio, sobbed and drove home with my fully intact vagina and membranes.
Here is what this situation taught me. This mom stuff makes us do some crazy things. Here I am. I am a mom, soon to be a mom of 3 kids. I look exactly like what you picture. I've got on black yoga pants and I didn't work out today. My sad boobs are stuffed inside a weird old bra from Forever21 that is at least a decade old but doesn't have underwire or buckles so it slides easily over my head. Which is a head of unwashed hair mixed with crows feet, bags under my eyes, and there might be food in my hair depending on the day and the mealtime. If you had told me when I was 23 at happy hour that in just 9 short years I would be weighing in the 160s googling things in my car like how to strip my own membranes, I wouldn't have believed you and laughed in your face. But you don't get here overnight. It's a slow long process that gets you to the crazy mom stuff. Here are some other fun things I do.
1) I make my kids a lot of really healthy foods then give in quickly and let them eat crap
I think we have all done it. Spent an hour long bath pinning recipes for quinoa raw hemp muffins only to get out, slave over them and spend $20 on the ingredients, then cave in 4 seconds when your kids writhe on the ground claiming it tastes like the tree they just licked. Have you ever heard of dinosaur chicken? It's from a brand called Tyson and it's probably slowly killing us. We go through 3 bags a week.
2) I do weird beauty treatments to make myself feel better
When you're a mom who has nothing to do all day but take care of her kids and look like a hot mess you begin to look to quick fixes that might make you feel better for a last minute date night to the movies. Every couple weeks I get fooled into thinking I need to be more tan so I apply these tanning wipes to my body only to be reminded quickly that they make me turn orange and make my husband cringe. I just want to look like I came back from a weekend at Coachella and instead you can see all the veins in my thighs. I am so pale you can actually see blood running through my body. Given the flabbiness of my current body it is not a good combination. Someone please come out with a tanning cream that doesn't make me look orange and can be applied by a 3 year old. Include tiny gloves. Thank you.
3) I order things online I don't need to give myself something to look forward to. Then I return them.
This one has been going on for years, and each year the guilt multiplies. It got the worst when I was nursing so I'm ready to gear up again for middle of the night weird orders when I'm all hopped on on nursing hormones. I remember one particular order, 24 dinosaur rings for my son, some nipple cream, a couple of offensive coozies for when I drink blue moon in the driveway with my children, and these house slippers that had mopping type stuff on the bottom that doubled as floor mopping when you walked around the house. I usually don't even remember ordering the items that I did mindlessly at 3 a.m. while somebody is suckling on my boob and I'm trying not to fall asleep on top of them, so when the items arrive it's like a weird version of Christmas with lots and lots of nipple cream.
4) I do unsanitary things left and right
Sanitary flew out the window the first time I pulled on those enormous mesh panties after having my first child. It really left the building when I had visitor after visitor in the hospital and couldn't get out of bed so I just sat there in the hospital bed in a pool of my own afterbirth smiling like an idiot. From that point on I've been wiping butts and noses and carrying on with my life. If I washed my hands after every booger I'd have raw skin and no the world would have no water. I don't carry hand sanitizer and I've seen my younger son touch about 210 of those womanly receptacles at Target. They don't even alarm me now, I just get upset when he drops a toy in one. Speaking of unsanitary I have taken not showering to a whole new level. I do a lot of baths and cheetah baths, which means taking a very hot wash cloth and washing just the important parts so your husband can make out with you without throwing up if you both actually stay up past 9. I have trained my hair to go a week without washing. It doesn't even get greasy anymore, it knows it won't be getting a washing for 7 more days and it just has to hold tight.
5) Weird things make me emotional
Last Friday my older son lost his first tooth. I had zero warning and found myself incredibly emotional all of a sudden. It's weird enough to think I'll have a kindergartner in just a few short months, now I've got a partially toothless, like real kid. I think the scariest part is I know he's old enough now to be in the stage where he will actually remember things and these memories could haunt him for life, so out the window goes all the naked around the house and the stakes have been lifted on making memories, ya know what I mean? He will like actually have these memories when he's 30. I used to make fun of the people who said that they were sad for milestones because I didn't understand it but I do now. There will never be another lost first tooth for Brooks, and that is just a stepping stone of his life that we have moved past. Now, there will still be a first tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy because he swallowed it and I want to throw up just typing about it. He was naturally eating a 1 lb block of cheese before soccer practice and suddenly asked why there was blood in the huge chunk of cheese. Upon minor inspection we realized he had lost a tooth and the tooth was nowhere to be found, so he must have swallowed it, so then I cried and was grossed out all at the same time.
6) Weird things make me happy
When you're a mom the saddest and tinniest things are the threads on which you are surviving and the things that make you happy. Buying a candle at TJ maxx might make my week. This is sad. This is the truth. I like to put those weird good smelling pebbles in the wash so that when I am doing 10 loads on a Tuesday it at least smells good. Being alone in a car for 10 minutes and having a good cry is like a weeklong vacation. I have gotten a babysitter to sit in my own room and watch Fixer Upper before. Last week when I had a babysitter I fell asleep in the parking lot of a Home Goods while it was raining and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
*Disclaimer: even though I say things like my life is sad I am mostly kidding and trying to make a joke. I keep reproducing and I haven't left for Cuba yet, so I must be crazy about these monsters.
If you'll excuse me I have to get back to the typical duties of my day which include but are not limited to: wiping toddlers butts after they poop, cleaning broken fruit loops out of our leather couch that looks like it's been to war, and returning things I bought on Amazon when I was sad. Happy Mother's Day!
xo Big Mama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)