Here comes 30

Yeesh writing this out makes it real. In May, I turned THIRTY. 30. I have lived 30 years. I still enter 29 on the bike at the Y and every time I think, ya the bike doesn't need to know my real age. Seems like I should definitely be more wise but I just spent a good portion of the "Holy Grail" time (when both of my children are asleep) eating Trader Joe's popcorn in my bed watching the Real Housewives of California. I'm sure I should have been doing sit ups, cleaning or something more productive.

Seems like even in my old, old age I make the same mistakes time and time again - that one-too-many glass of red wine on a weekday (my children always wake up at 5:30 a.m. the day after these decisions), buying the 4 inch wedges on clearance when I know I don't have nearly enough social outings to justify a thong sandal much less a sexy wedge, oh the list goes on.

I have thought many times before how fun it would be to go through life again with the knowledge I have now and not make those mistakes I made. How fabulous and popular I would be! But then again, I wouldn't be me, so I guess that's the reason God makes us struggle through the awkward mistakes. Here's what I would tell my former selves.

8 year old Sarah
I know you love these bows but they are obnoxious. Also, your bangs are bad and your teeth are growing in super wonky. Just get ready you are going to have braces for 4 years pretty soon. So you better start working on your personality girl because you're gonna need it.

13 year old Sarah
Oh Please do not do this. Do not shave in between your eyebrows. THIS IS A BAD IDEA. No good will come of this.

It was a typical hot Texas day. I came home from school in a determined mood. It was a Friday and I was hot on my heels to do something crazy. Change my look, stop being such an awkward teenager and wouldn't it be so fun to go back Monday with a whole new look? I skipped up to the bathroom and examined my face. Just as I had been thinking for weeks, my eyebrows were beginning to take over my face. Like angry growing caterpillars they seemed to become bushier by the second. I spent most of the day licking my pinkies and attempting to get them to lie down and I blamed this obsession with why I was barely passing science. But I was mortified to ask someone for help, so instead of plucking a few hairs with a tweezer, I went to my only other known option, Mr. Razor Blade. The kind that most people use to shave their LEGS, not their FACE. I wielded that scary little guy right down the center of my eyebrows, and you know what I got? The weirdest looking eyebrows ever, that were still bushy, and now just started in the middle of my eyebrow arch.

This was bad, and to this day my left eyebrow still hasn't grown in evenly to my right. But it's such a lesson God has taught me over and over again, as he patiently waits for me to catch up and learn. As the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20, our body is His Temple - "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?" Such a good reminder that we are all so lucky to have been created in him and that these vain thoughts really just hurt us.








18-22 year old Sarah
Drink a little less. Care what people think a lot less. Cherish this time. All you have to think about is yourself. In just 4 years you will have to think about your husband, a new baby, and do you want more babies?! It's about to get very real, so just enjoy these moments when your biggest decision is whether to join Kristen at the bar for a beer on the way back from the library. Enjoy these moments with your girlfriends. You are lucky to have people like this in your life.

26 year old Sarah
Post baby #1. It is not ok to wear pajama jeans. Ever. I know that they look really cute, and it's 1:30 a.m. and you're bored out of your mind nursing your little baby boy and your new mom lumps are flowing out over your real life full cotton pajamas. And that none of your jeans fit. Still, that does not make this acceptable.

Pull yourself together, slap on some blush and mascara, and get out of the house. It doesn't matter if you have reached your pre-baby weight or you're 50 lbs off. Get it together and get excited about life for the sake of you and your new baby.

Reminders to the current Sarah
It's ok Mama. You're doing a good job. Keep your chin up!

Appreciate your stomach now. It's probably just going to get worse.

It's ok to think your boys are special. This isn't vain, and it's important to remind them too.

Encourage every mom you see. Every one. You never know whose day you're going to make by telling them that you love their blouse, their new haircut, or that their kids seem very happy, and they must be a great mom. Every positive thought you think, share it with the person. Radiate happiness so that it bounces back to you.

Be kind to your husband, he's a great man and he deserves it.

You can't hug your kids too much.

You can't take too many naps. Yes, you! Stop washing the dishes and lie down. Everyone else is napping, why shouldn't you!?

Some things I have been pondering

I'm trying to get better about blogging more often, I love sitting down to get my "adult fix" and I love to write so this is such a great outlet for me. So instead of trying to make sure each blog has a funny subject I'm going to let myself do a weekly "Things I've been pondering." Because I just know you're all dying to know......

1. Amanda Bynes got earrings in her cheeks. This is not good. Poor baby girl has been on a downward spiral for some time now, but this is a new low. If you're like me you remember this sweet girl who was on Nickelodeon's "All That," she was hilarious! Now....oh man, we have all made bad decisions (one of my worst was circa 2005 dying my hair jet black, yikes!) but this is deperessing.

I don't know how this happens. I can see the tattoo thing. Not for me but I could see it. I am one of those people who acts way too much on impulse so I would probably end up getting a tattoo of a huge sprinkled donut on my forearm donut during a no-carb dieting phase because it was all I could think of. But how does one wake up in the morning and think, ya know my cheeks are missing something....ding ding! Earrings! I'm calling you, Amanda Bynes, come to my house and I will put you through a little two-kids-in-diapers-both-under-three rehab, I'll have you ship shape in no time. No cheek earrings allowed.

2. I was one of those people that became overly concerned about Princess Kate's baby. I'm embarassed to admit it but the public should know the truth. At my worst I was checking my US weekly app 10-12 times a day for updates on the Royal Baby. Then when it finally came time for it I felt terrible for her. All those people waiting outside, zero privacy, feeling like the world is watching, and you're just praying that the baby isn't huge and your who-ha doesn't need stitches. On that note, can you imagine the pressure on that physician? I think I read somewhere the royal doctor was like 82, not kidding, so maybe he had enough confidence to move past that, but really can't imagine going through the motions without thinking, "that's a princess vajayjay, that's a princess vajayjay." That immaturity is exactly why I was not cut out to be doctor (and that's the only reason. HA!).

3. Whenever I go shopping in a mall that has those random kiosks with massage chairs and overly giddy looking Chinese men I'm always amazed at how much business they're getting. Who are these people that are just moseying along, done with their shopping in Sears, and decide they need a massage fully in public? That can't be relaxing at all. I want to be the person that's so relaxed they can totally mellow out in the middle of the shopping mall for a massage. No wait I don't. I think you're weird.

4. We traveled quite a bit this summer and there's nothing like traveling to make you feel like a white trash hot mess. I loved that every time we walked up to our gate to get on the airplane I felt the eyes seize on me and silently pray they weren't seated next to us. If you haven't changed a massive baby blowout diaper on an airplane in those tiny bathrooms then you really haven't lived! I am not sure when my life got so glamorous.

This year we flew Jet Blue because it was the only airline that got us from Ft. Lauderdale to Boston on a straight flight, and since we still had to rent the car and drive to Cape Cod I wanted to make the trip as easy as possible. The airline is a little more expensive but you get a personal TV and snacks each way! It's amazing how the little things when you're up in the air feel like the biggest luxuries. I guess it's because I'm just on survival mode but when you're drowning and a lady is handing you endless bags of animal crackers, it's like a lifesaver.

When traveling there is one particular person I began to resent: random Emo/Skater looking boys. I would notice them all over, and the main reason is that they weigh less than I do and their little skinny jeans would not fit my booty. There was one in particular on one of our flights that absolutely weighed less than I did and spent the whole flight with an introspective look on his face. Listen you are 13 what do you have to be introspective about?! Take my squirmy 8 month old for 20 minutes and change a few diapers and then you can ponder.

5. This one is small. It's a sheer miracle that on the days when Brooks says "mom" repeatedly 1,000 times that I don't punch him square in the face. Just want a little respect on that one.

Why I would be precious at being a royal

I love these e-cards that are all over pinterest. I have pinned dozens of them but this one ranks right up there as one of my favorites, mostly because it's so darn true. I just know I would be such a good millionaire! I would probably give at least some of it away, so you better be happy if you're one of my good friends because if I ever win the lottery you can expect I'd have some sort of money-giving-away party.

Even more than this e-card, however, I do know one thing is for sure, and that it's in another life, I should definitely be a Royal. Yes. The kind that lives in England and is related to the queen. I have never been a Royal, but I just know I would be darling at it!

Ok here's the real story. I have become slightly obsessed with Princess Kate. Like, if her people were "looking into me" because of the amount of times I have checked up on whether she has had her baby or not, I would not be totally shocked. If her hospital was in the same city as mine, let's just say I would have made a really good janitor/nurse type friend at said hospital that would let me in to visit her immediately after she delivered, because obviously we would be best friends if we met, I just know it. Will and Zac would just sit around talking football, and I would give her tons of baby advice like how it's ok if food drops on the ground and the baby eats it if it's within a reasonable amount of time, or how it's ok to have a beer while breastfeeding because it helps with letdown. Classy, helpful stuff like that. We would have to learn how to play cricket I suppose but that's fine. We would be the cutest couples! But first, I would need to be a Royal and this is why I would be darling at it.

1. I have a face for the people. I am pretty sure I just have a really relate-able face. Not too jarring, not too striking, just your every day, loveable-princessy type of face. See below, that's my sister and I waiting on my mom and other sister in a Talbots over vacation. If I were the princess wouldn't you be all "gosh there she is, Princess Sarah being so normal! Don't you love her?!"

2. I look really good in a hat. Like wow, really good. See above. Nuff said.

3. I could drink tea in the afternoon. I actually don't love tea but I do know how to raise my pinky. Hey, I could drink a dirty martini at 3 p.m. if it's in a castle, whatever. But I really do love biscuits and I am pretty sure they give you biscuits with the tea.

4. My scandalous times are behind me, and I'm ready to be classy. Yes it's true. My days of drinking wine out of the bag (that comes in the box) are behind me, mostly because I have 2 children and having even a slight hangover with children is both the most awful and trashy feeling of all time. So I've decided to be classy until I'm at least 48ish and they're out of the house. If I were a royal, I would strongly consider extending that time and I think I could be classy longer, otherwise the papers will have it out for me and we can't have that! But people would appreciate that I have overcome some hurdles so I'm assuming my previous scandals would be "cute" and "what makes Princess Sarah approachable."

5. That accent would be precious on me. I am sooo good at accents so it would be super easy to learn. (Truth, every accent for every country is the same and they all sound like a confused person from India). I could be like Madonna, spend a few months over there and bam, cutest accent ever.

Since I already married my prince I guess my only shot at becoming a royal in this life is to become best friends with Princess Kate, which is already in my plans anyway. I just have to figure out how to get over there and set up a play date, because then I would be in. Between my precious monsters and superb mothering advice, it would probably be mere days before they name us Honorary Royals!

Hold that baby in Princess Kate I'm coming!

A Day In the Life of a Mom: Glamorous vs. Unglamorous

We all know what our vision of mommyhood looked like before it actually happened. Perfectly crisp jean capris and white eyelet tank tops for trips to the park, loving and adoring children who spoke french but just couldn't quite master Mandorin which we found adorable, a sandwiches cut into lions and laughter that echoed in a big 5 bedroom house with a sprawling porch where I drink lemonade and wait for my children to skip home from school.

I can't seem to find this life so if you tell me where I can get one of those I will pay you all the money in my purse which is approximately 10.76 plus a race car, a diaper and a lollipop without the wrapper.

Here is what that glamorous life looks like compared to my real, unglamorous life (which I do love).


5:47 a.m.
Glamorous - I wake up to get an early morning 3 mile run on my treadmill. I don't even need a cup of coffee because I feel so refreshed. I help myself to all the fresh fruit I have pre-diced and pat myself on the back for getting so many antioxidants in before 6 a.m.
Unglamorous - I step on 3 plastic dinasours on the way to the Keurig to make a cup of coffee. It feels like nails going into my feet and I curse the toys. With my eyes crusted shut I accidentally add orange juice to the last coffee pod I have thereby rendering myself coffee-less and unable to function. I consider calling 911.

7:13 a.m.
Glamorous - My children awake one by one cheerfully and tell me they love me repeatedly. I feel them farm fresh scrambled eggs and strawberries and we talk about what we will do with our day and if Miley Cyrus is really ending her engagement.
Unglamorous - My kids have been awake an hour and already I think that if I hear the Doc McStuffins theme song one more time I will have a nervous breakdown. My 2 year old is gathering all the smallest and most chokeable toys to place in front of my 6 month old, who is rolling around on the tile. When I ask him to stop he gets frustrated and begins to cover the baby with blankets, focusing mostly on his face.

8:47 a.m.
Glamorous - After spending an hour on our French and Mandorin skills we retreat to the backyard where we do yoga poses together in the perfect 72 degree weather. We finish off our session with a fruit smoothie and chalk drawings in the driveway where they color me to resemble Gwyneth Paltrow so closely I wonder if we are related and I just don't know it.
Unglamorous - I gather my crew to go to the YMCA because they offer 2 hours of free childcare and I plan to use 1 hour and 59 minutes of said childcare. It takes 39 minutes to exit the house and it is 98 degrees with 100% humidity in Florida. I haven't washed my hair in 4 days but despite it's greasiness the humidity has caused my hair to rise enough to resemble a chia pet.

12:53 p.m.
Glamorous - My children all begin to yawn and request to go to sleep, and then after admitting that I'm really busy, suggest that they might as well put themselves to sleep. Then there is a 3 hour Beverly Hills Housewives marathon which I keep on for background noise while I work tirelessly on my new invention, cookie dough that burns calories while you eat it.
Unglamorous - Even though I'm edging on nap time I decide to run into the grocery store. My 6 month old has a blow out diaper in the bjorn in the bakery section and poop begins to drip everywhere. My 2 year old screams loudly EWWW EWWWW and backs away from us like he has never met us and has someone else to go home with. I look around, panicked, at all the people dry heaving and I'm frozen. I have no idea what to do so I shrug, grab some salami and move on, with poop running down my Lululemon workout pants that cost $90 and curse the day I ever bought $90 workout pants.
(This actually happened today. Gems!)

1:47 p.m.
Glamorous - I decide to catch a quick snooze in the backyard where I simultaneously get the perfect sun bronzed tan without getting any age spots. I pour myself a large margarita because in fantasy world it's normal to have afternoon cocktails, not trashy like pouring wine in a solo cup (which I've never done, nope not ever).
Unglamorous - I continue to negotiate with my 2 year old on him taking a nap like I'm dealing with a murderer, promising new toys and M&Ms in exchange for a 45 minute sleep period. I have lost all control in this situation so I go to nurse my 6 month old who is getting 5 new teeth so it's like feeding 9 piranhas. I begin to research Vasectomies on my Iphone.

4:17 p.m.
Glamorous - Since I was able to use the entire nap time to clean the house, bake a pie and pretty myself for my husband's return home from work I suggest to the kids to help me with dinner prep, which is roast chicken with really colorful vegetables that have fancy names and a chocolate mousse that doesn't have calories.


Unglamorous - Since I spent my whole nap time paying bills and calling the Sears Oven Repairman I set up toys in the bathroom so I can shower and watch my children destroy each other. They bang on the window of the shower and ask me what "mountains" (boobs) are and I wonder at what age I must assume I am scaring them for life and setting up weekly therapy sessions. During the 12 seconds I had to close my eyes to shampoo my hair my 2 year old has pulled out all my brushes and given my 6 month old a hairball to play with.

7:47 p.m.
Glamorous - Once my beautiful boys are peacefully sleeping I retreat to my buidore where I change into a silk nightie that highlights my perfectly rounded bottom from the 1,000 squats I do each morning as I brush my teeth. I await my adoring husband who I can see through the window chopping firewood in tight jeans and a see through white shirt.

Unglamorous - All children are in prison their cribs so I retreat to my bed and life face down in my pillow like a dead body. Husband gives me make out eyes and says he's going to brush his teeth. Even though I'm aware this is a hint to brush my teeth too I must conserve all energy for said make out. I lick my hand like a cheetah and slick back my hair and my eyebrows and try not to look almost dead.

9:01 p.m.


Glamorous - I apply all night creams and serums and peacefully drift off to a perfect 9 hour slumber. Who am I kidding I don't need night creams, I am stunning.


Unglamorous - I fall asleep while watching the Office with a tin Dove chocolate wrapper stuck to my cheek. I get approximately 45 minutes of sleep before I wake up with drool crusted to my cheek as my 6 month old screams out for the 8th nursing session of the day.

New Year's Resolutions

I have typically not been a big New Year's Resolutions person in my past, mostly because it's just hard to become even more perfect. Baaaahahaha! This year, however, there seems to be a lot I could work on. Here are a few things I've been noting as "things to improve on/work on/do."

*Do not assume you will fit into all clothes at Forever21. 
Ok fine. Do not assume you will fit into ANY clothes at Forever21. This ship has sailed, sister. She sailed away with pregnancy #2 and she ain't comin' back. Sure, you can go in. Go ahead, you won't feel badly about yourself for 2 weeks, no not at all. This is a good decision. I love that they have some fun trendy items that are priced at $2.99 but the risk to my self esteem just may not be worth it. In addition, the last time I was in this store I heard two girls talking to each other and one actually said LOL. I thought this was supposed to be a typed phrase only? For any readers who don't know, this means "laughing out loud," and it's a widely overused phrase by everyone including myself.

Example: "I had to lay down to put my jeans on today! It was like a circus me trying to pull those bad boys on! LOL!" Obviously, I am not laughing out loud when I say this. But it makes me seem cooler, and funnier, if I put it.

It also works in slightly awkward situations.
Example: "I may or may not have made out with Arnie last night. Pretty sure he's like 42. LOL."
See in this example girl is embarrassed she made out with Arnie. But by adding LOL, it makes the situation funny, and it makes it ok.

These are examples of using LOL in a typed manner. However, I'm pretty positive it was never intended to be said aloud. Are these girls really so pressed for time that they don't have the extra 2.7 seconds to say "that made me laugh out loud, Tiffany!" They must abbreviate and say LOL? Maybe they got confused because they were drinking 38 oz red bulls out of a straw. Did you know they make enormous cans of red bull now? I used to drink the stuff once in awhile in college and grad school but haven't had it since because it makes me think of Red Bull Vodkas during a time when I went out and was actively stalking my husband in an attempt to get him to date me. But that's for another blog, another time. Back then I'm pretty sure the servings were 6 oz and you can now get them in super size cans. This cannot be healthy. And I cannot keep up with the over caffeinated, teeny tiny, too busy to say laugh out loud tweens in this store. Must move on to Ann Taylor Loft and be ok with things.

*Regain bladder control.
After shooting 2 lovely young men out the yina banina things are....well they're just not as high and tight as they once were. If this blog is one thing it's gonna be honest and real and this is the honest truth. It's bizarre enough to think that I can squat out 2 watermelons in 24 months and think I'm gonna spring back to my 19 year old self. This may or may not include enlisting doctor's help. Full vaginal rejuvenation with just a small down payment?! Don't mind if I do! These commercials are on 96.5 every.single.day. I've been living in Miami too long. Back to reality: do kegals. Do kegals running. Do kegals lying down. Do kegals driving. Do kegals eating cookie dough. Stop eating cookie dough.

*Stop sitting on public restroom seats with pee on them.
Once this goal has been accomplished, begin new goal of stop sitting on public restroom seats altogether. I seem to always get the pee seat. Is there anything worse? What ladies are peeing so willy nilly everywhere? Are people dancing to Justin Bieber songs while peeing? If you are doing the squat and pee while you text and balance your diet coke and purse and this is why you  have left pee all over your seat, you are doing me a disservice. I rush in there with no bladder control trying my best to make it to the potty and I all I can think is, don't pee your pants, don't pee your pants. It's a miracle I made it to this place, I don't need your pee seat to ruin my glory of not peeing my pants.

*Stop staring.
Whether it's the awkward massage centers in the middle of the mall or the girl doing the weird yoga stretch in the corner at the YMCA, I have really got to stop staring. Usually I'm around 15 seconds in on an awkward daze before I realize the person I'm staring at has grabbed their phone and are calling the police. I don't know why I do it and therefore it's probably going to be harder to stop. Just know that if I'm out and about and I am staring you down like I'm trying to figure out the meaning of a very important impressionist painting, I'm sorry, and I'm working on it.

*Improve hygienic skills.
This one will be tough. Often times the only way I'm able to shower is to set up an elaborate toy display in my bathroom for my toddler to entertain him in front of me so he doesn't burn the house down and also simultaneously breast feed by 11 week old into such a coma that he will for sure sleep through my shower. This isn't easy and usually by the time I have accomplished these two things I am so tired I have fallen asleep on the bed. The problem is, there's no doubt you've gone to a bad place when you actually decide to do your hair and swipe on some lip gloss and the regulars you see at the YMCA ask you if you have a big event that day. Oh my. Nope, just showered. And I know my hair looks fabulous today, you're welcome.

I'm sure I will come up with a few more improvements to work on in the next few weeks, but with 2013 already in February, this should keep me busy for awhile.