Dear Santa

I wish I still believed in Santa. It would give me a reason to snap out of this grumpy as hell very bad mood. I remember when I found out Santa wasn't real. I was on the school bus and these 3 girls were discussing it and I chimed in and said, "I heard the rumors, but I don't think it's true!" As if my enormous bushy eyebrows, braces, acne, and self-cut bangs weren't enough, I had to open my mouth. I am pretty sure I didn't ever have a friend after that moment. I also learned it's better to just agree with whatever the popular girls are saying and follow behind them nodding, smiling and fanning them.

I feel bad for my kids sometimes because my mom made Christmas really special growing up. I would venture to say it is her favorite holiday. She decorated the house, and the days leading up to it were fun and spent with anticipation of whether I would get that American Girl doll bed. Good times. I don't know how she did it because I now realize Christmas coincides with what I like to refer to as "the dark time" in NFL football wife life - December. It is the last few games and I am holding on to my sanity by a thread. One of those threads that you see fraying and you know it only has like 4 little frays left before it snaps and it all comes crumbling down. It would probably sound a smidge dramatic if you didn't know me but for my close friends they are all probably nodding with a sly smile because they have seen me on the verge of a breakdown since about Thanksgiving.

It has been months since I have spent a good amount of time with my husband. When he gets home now the first thing I do is usually smell him for about 10 seconds because I miss him so much. I also want to kill him because he is gone so much, because I am crazy, and a girl. I have been going to doctor appointments, the grocery, the gym, trips and long car rides with my 2 kids alone since mid July. The season starts with a bang of adrenalin which, thank God, catapults me straight through to Halloween. After that things start to get a bit hazy. It's pure survival mode by whatever means necessary. It is for this reason that I decided it would be fun to make a true "wish list" for Christmas. Some are more realistic than others.

1. A full night of sleep.
My kids just turned 4 and 2. So this whole waking up in the middle of the night thing is thankfully not a regular thing, but by golly it still happens. Just last night my 2 year old was up several times. Of course I have no earthly idea why. I think he just gets entertainment out of seeing me stumble into his room. I made the rare mistake last night of bringing him into our bed, which I never do. It's like sleeping with a hot octopus. Kudos to you co-sleeper parents. I wouldn't do it for $1,000 a night. I begin talking to him like an adult after awhile, muttering, move over and stop breathing on me. How is this enormous king-sized bed suddenly 3 inches wide? Has his breath always smelled this terrible? How is he sweating so much? I wish he would stop slapping me. No matter which way I lay he kicks me directly in the uterus. I want this to be over but if we get up to start the day at 4 a.m. I can't promise I won't run away.

2. A date night with a husband who is not working off of 5 months of 3 hours of sleep a night.
I love my husband and the fact that he is even willing to go on date nights during the season when I know he just wants to go home and watch Scandal with a Blue Moon in bed and fall asleep. He is a saint and I love him more every year I am married to him. However, at this point, I know he is getting an average of 3-4 hours of sleep a night and I feel so guilty expecting him to squire me around town that I don't even enjoy it.

3. A play date with Princess Kate. I mean the duchess. I mean Catherine. WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO GO BY - THE NEXT QUEEN OF ENGLAND, WHO I AM OBSESSED WITH.
She's in New York which really just makes this dream seem so possible and real. It's probably best for the Royal Security Team that I do not live in New York, because I can't promise you that I wouldn't look up every detail of their trip and be at every point looking for a lazy security guy to look away. I just know she would like me. We could chit chat about what microwavable macaroni we give the kids for lunch and how she is feeling about having baby number 2. I can also ask her what it's like to be a Princess and she can let me borrow that super fancy black stroller that looks like it's out of the Mary Poppins movie. Maybe she would even let me borrow that nanny she has for baby George. That lady looks so serious about her nanny job. I bet she would let me take a legit nap. Friends share nannies right?

4. A kegerator of boxed wine that never runs out.
The only thing more embarrassing than buying boxed wine is having to go back after a very short amount of time to buy more boxed wine. It would be nice to just have a constant flow in my fridge, kind of like the water and ice maker (which we actually don't have, we rent and our fridge is from 1982, it's a problem.) Come to think of it I would also like a hangover cure. I don't know if it is my mom diet of mac and cheese and smoothies or the fact that I am now 31 and 1/2 but if I even smell wine I have a little headache the next day. If I brush up against the box of wine in the fridge I feel tired. I would really appreciate a little magic pill that allows me to have 2 glasses of wine at 6:30 and not feel like I got run over by an ice cream truck the next day.

5. Jeans that make my muffin top disappear.
There are people somewhere working on this right? Like some sort of team that is put together by the government that is always working towards this goal? What's scary is that I can start to see this whole metabolism dropping as I age thing. In addition to the jeans, I would like to tack on my 19 year old metabolism. I used to eat a dinner in the dining hall and follow it up with a "light snack" of half a pizza and 3 Smirnoff ices at 10 p.m. and I have to say, my bootie back then was great. What happened to my life? I have to eat cucumbers and spinach salads for a week if I want to wear anything but leggings and a huge denim shirt on the weekend.

6. A weekend with my mommy. 
My parents recently moved to Cape Cod and I miss them every day. I was very spoiled living near them for a long time, and I would never have guessed what a momma's girl I am. I miss how she listened to every word I said, even when I was annoying, which I am sure was a lot. I miss shopping with her, venting to her, getting a last-minute dinner together when the guys were working late. But most of all I miss the way she loved on my kids. Nobody spoils our kids better than their grandparents, on both sides, and I am so thankful for them.

May you enjoy a Merry Christmas celebrating Jesus' birth, and if you see Princess Kate, slip her my number.
xoxo Big Mama