I had the absolute HONOR of writing 2 gorgeous couple's engagement and courtship story and it was really, really fun. They were for my brother and my brother-in-law.
This summer my brother Matt will marry his fiance Kelsey, and I am so incredibly thrilled for them. Their story can be found at http://theknot.com/us/fairchildsherman. I also got to write a little something for my brother-in-law Press and his bride-to-be, Brooklyn. You can read their story at http://www.theknot.com/us/brooklyn-scheer-and-press-taylor-jul-2015.
How cute are these couples? I just love love. I feel incredibly lucky that I married a man whose family is of the utmost importance to him. If anything, our issue is that both of our families mean so much to us, we have to work hard to make sure we split time between them evenly. I am the oldest of 5 children and Zac is the oldest of 4, so we have a lot of people to care about!
As to be expected, writing these stories brought me back to the time that I dated my husband and our engagement and early marriage. I kind of think that someone who knows me well would say that when I want something I will probably go after it fairly aggressively. Zac Taylor was no different :) I remember the first time I saw him and as cliche as it sounds I was absolutely floored with not only his handsome face and his nice booty, but also the humble, kind air he had about him. Getting to know him better did not disappoint and only made me more sure of the fact that I needed to get this dude on lock-down.
We only dated a year and were engaged about a year as well, so when we were in the early stages of our marriage, we were still figuring each other out. I giggle to myself thinking back on those early times and our tiny apartment stuffed with so much furniture and crap from Hobby Lobby. I wanted so badly to be the perfect housewife. Since that time, I have learned A LOT.
I am certainly not an expert on marriages, relationships, guys.....really I am not an expert on anything except for maybe strong coffee, boxed wine, and the cheese bin at Trader Joe's. I know a disturbing amount on those 3 subjects and if you need any advice, feel free to contact me. Nevertheless, I always find it interesting to hear different perspectives from people in all stages of marriage - newlyweds, young kids, empty nesters, 60 years. I know I can always learn. Zac and I will be married 7 years in April. Here is where I am ......
Fight kind
In the beginning of our marriage I tested Zac. A LOT. Lawd I was like 27 shades of crazy. I don't know why girls do this but I am guilty. I think I just wanted to make really really sure he wasn't going to run? I blamed it on birth control for a little bit then I got the heck off that crazy stuff. Geez I don't know. But when I look back on that time, I am glad to say I have grown enough to fight more fairly. If something upsets me, I now usually take some time to dwell on it, whether it be a few hours or a day or two, instead of flying off the handle a la 2007. Half the time, whatever it was becomes clearly irrational after that "thinking" time and I am glad I didn't bring it up. The other half, it's still bothering me, but I'm thinking more clearly, and I can present it in a way that's not hurtful, and can help us solve the issue and move forward. My angel of a husband pretty much never has issues to bring up. That drives me koo koo bonkers crazy. But what can I say he's a low-maintenance dude. The way that I can thank him for that is to do my best to meet him in the middle there and tone down my crazy. I didn't say make it disappear, I'm not a magician! But I can work hard to make sure to collect my thoughts before making an issue out of nothing. (For the record, I don't understand, and I will never understand, why men need to go to the bathroom for longer than 3 minutes. I am however smart enough to realize this isn't changing. I will accept this as one of those phenomenons that cannot be explained, like why Britany Spears decided to shave her head that one day.)
Let them enjoy their favorites
All fall, I am mom, dad, caretaker, boo-boo fixer, dinner maker, basketball technique suggester (didn't say they're good suggestions, but I try.) That does mean that when January rolls around and football season is done, I am spent. I look forward to Zac being home, and an extra set of hands so I don't feel like my entire life is devoted to changing sheets and washing sippy cups. I also look forward to watching the Real Housewives in my bed, in my underwear, with a grilled cheese or two, on a random Saturday. Zac lets me do that because he knows that's my happy place. On the same note, even though it can feel like ground hog day, I let him play basketball for hours at the Y every weekend, because that's what makes him happy. Listen marriage is a hot mess of compromise and making sure everybody gets to take equal naps. But if you can make sure each other gets to do their "favorites," it's probably going to go well from there. Oh and I have come a long way on allowing him to do it guilt free too. I think I used to make him feel super duper guilty and I don't' know why but that was probably even worse than just not letting him go. So, I make sure that if he is going to go, that's it, nothing else said. Enjoy.
Save your best for the hubby
Some days, cheese is the glue that holds my life together. This is pretty accurate in the fall. Every day is just a feeble attempt to please all the people in my life. Family, friends, my kids, and sometimes, my hubby comes last. I have worked really hard to make this not happen. At the end of a day of comforting kids, hanging with girlfriends, cooking dinner, etc. etc. I have nothing left to give the hubs. This happens more than I would like to admit. But instead of giving up I try to remember he really doesn't need crazy things. He just needs a gentle female to welcome him home. This is probably old-fashioned but I don't really care because it rings true for me. The biggest thing I have noticed when dealing with all my boys is that they respond to me being GENTLE. Weird concept right? But these are simple, rough creatures, men. All 3 of my guys enjoy their heads being scratched. They enjoy when I speak soft, kind words, encouraging words. They like fresh cookies and they all say something when I am in soft jammies fresh out of the shower ("mom, you smell deeeeelicious!). There is no shame in my old-fashioned game. This works, I promise! Put on a soft shirt, spritz some perfume, go up behind your husband and scratch his head. You're welcome.
Have marriage secrets
If I told you our marriage secrets I would have to kill you so I will spare you on that. And I am not talking about your broccoli farts under the covers while you watch Modern Family. I mean maybe sneaking Chipolte into a movie theater together and laughing hysterically while you take it out of your purse, cough cough. This is something that you both love, and probably wouldn't really be acceptable or socially "normal," but what is normal anyway? These kind of secrets make you giggle when you think about them on a random Thursday at 2, and they make your relationship special because you just did it with that person. Also, your husband might let you buy lots of really pretty designer bags if they're big enough to sneak in lots of food to movie theaters. Don't forget the "wrap" because you're "so cold" to cover up your fast food. Oh and be careful crunching those chips, wait for a loud boom ;)
Don't compare
I have struggled with this in different aspects of my life. Jealously over clothes, where someone lives, the trips they might take. Of course a relationship is no different, and I have envied things other people may seem to have. It doesn't get me anywhere, and all it does is break down the foundation Zac and I have worked very hard to build. I try very hard now to remember that everyone's relationship is different. I try very hard not to covet anything, whether it be material or a way another couple may do things or even parent. I try to remember that I am INSANELY lucky to have 2 beautiful boys and a hunky husband that care about me. I am with a man that helps me grow.....holds my hand.....likes kissin.....and quite frankly, he puts up with all of me. That's enough. We have enough.
To my precious hubby -I am so glad you are the one whom all my memories are with. I loved getting lost in Italy with you. I loved watching you practice in the freezing cold in the Canadian Football League even though I was the only wife in the stands. I loved our first apartment even though we banged our knees every 3 feet because there was too much stuff in it. I loved watching you take a nap after I gave birth to Luke. Having babies wears you out, you sleepy hunk. I am so glad you are the one God chose for me to make babies with. You are the best at giving me dem babies. I would love if God gave us another baby. I know he might not, but I hope he does.
Congratulations to my brother and brother in law on their upcoming marriages. Fight fair, and take naps together. I don't have all the answers but I know it helps to fight like heck to make yours the best darn marriage it can be. I love you to the moon and back Zac.
xo Big Mama
this post is SO good. i could not agree more with everything you wrote! you should be writing marriage advice for America daily. for real. you are a wise woman :)
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