Go to bed.

Bedtime. I don't know a single parent on the planet that actually enjoys this night time ritual. At 7:30 p.m., I am tired. My patience has reached the end of the line. I have picked up 345 toys, wiped bottoms, sang songs, and explained how rocks are made all day long. I have nothing left except an extreme desire to be in my pajamas watching the Real Housewives of New York reunion. And all of a sudden my 3 year old Brooks has more energy than 57 toddlers who have been fed Mountain Dew for 2 hours.



I would say that about 90% of nights, I climb into my bed after putting my kids to sleep and question if I cuddled them enough, read enough books, answered enough questions. I wish I could put them to bed at 7 a.m., when my patience is new, and not so worn. But the fact of the matter is, at 7:30 p.m., I just can't answer any more questions about why some days you have boogers and some days you don't. BECAUSE YOU JUST DO.



I have mastered the ability to slink out of bed undetected like an overweight sloth. I have kept my mouth shut even when I have stepped on a myriad of cars as I exit the room, and the pain is piercing through my foot. I have placed a pillow on top of my child's back to simulate a parent's arm. I have considered administering benedryl to an especially wound up child. I haven't done it, but gosh darn it I have been close. I have promised trips to the Dollar Store the next day and lollipops for breakfast. All in the name of going to gosh darn BED.



My kiddo has a wild imagination and I have no idea where he gets half the stuff he comes up with. I have been tracking some of the excuses for prolonging bedtime for awhile. The following are actual reasons my 3 year old has told me he can't go to bed/fall asleep/release me from parent prison.



1. A hammerhead shark has horrible headaches and he is worried that he might somehow get a horrible headache someday like a hammerhead shark.



2. The President of Africa might call him. Apparently they have a very serious situation in Africa regarding Emus. He won't expand. I am not curious. He must wait up for call.



3. He doesn't remember if he went pee pee in the potty all day. Seems to be stressing him out. Remind him of several times including a time when he almost fell in at Target. Begins to get more frustrated that I remember and he does not. Situation escalates.



4. His brother started to tell him a joke at dinner and he didn't get to finish it because I interrupted. His brother currently speaks 4 words, 5 if you count "du." None of these words are jokes.



5. There are witches in his closet making banana bread and the mixer is keeping him up. Also they are cackling, but he doesn't mind that so much.



6. He forgot to eat the last bite of cereal this morning. I explain that cereal has been thrown away and he will never be able to eat that last bite. This does not go over well. Up 40 more minutes.



7. He wants to know why Jesus wears a crown in some pictures and in some pictures he does not. Also, he wants to know why we can't go to Australia tomorrow. I tell him all I can offer is to read Where's Waldo. He accepts.



8. He tells me he has to fart but it won't come out. He asks me how many times a day I fart. I tell him mommies don't fart. He laughs. And says that lying is bad.



9. He can't fall asleep because my hair is in his face. At this time I am standing in the doorway. I ask him how my hair could be in his face if I am nowhere near him. He cries. Takes 30 more minutes to go to sleep.



10. He is upset and cannot fall asleep because he is not sure if he is good at "baskaballs." He is not good at basketball. Not today anyway.



11. He needs one more minute. 17,456 times.



12. He can't fall asleep because Zebras came into his room and spilled all his toys.



13. Dad is better at putting him to bed because boys have willies and they know how to go to bed. Why don't girls have willies?



14. He is worried about sharks in the ocean and how they go to the dentist and brush their teeth. He does accept the idea of an ocean dentist, and seems to begin to question everything I have ever told him. He is on to me.



So my fellow moms, go into your night time routines prepared. Load your arsenal of explanations, your last iotas of patience, and unload the last half hugs you have left in your body. Your children will come at you like spider monkeys with excuses why they can't just shut their GD eyes. You have to come back at them like spider monkey moms, wielding answers and discipline like you have been anticipating these questions since your birth. Don't look weak. They can smell that ya know. Your alone time is so very close, and your Breaking Bad series and chocolate doves are waiting for you.



Carry on warriors.

xoxo Big Mama