And with the first pick in the NFL Draft, I select.....

My husband has one of those weird jobs. I guess I'm not sure exactly what a normal job is these days, I change diapers and sell face wash on the side. But when I think of Boy Meets World and the dad being a grocery store manager, I think, that must be pretty great. Probably normal hours, and a discount on food? Sign me up. I can just hear myself yelling out the door after my husband has actually helped me all morning with the routine, yelling "bring me back the freshest tomatoes you can find! Oh and a box of wine!" Sounds nice.

But alas, mine is a football coach. And it is certainly not all bad. He does work a lot of hours in the season, which is fall. But for those that enjoy going to athletic events, I get to spend 5-6 months going to football games for free, and they are fun. It is certainly not boring and he seems extremely happy, so when the hours get long, I remind myself that he is very lucky to be doing something he is passionate about it and has fun with.

If you like football you might be aware tonight is the beginning of the NFL draft. The team my husband coaches for will have one selection tonight as just the first round will air tonight. There will be trades, surprises, and I'm sure a little drama. I am excited to watch and can't help but hope for an offensive weapon, as my husband coaches on offense.

Since I also grew up with a father for a football coach, my life has often revolved around the sport, like it or not. So I can't help but think of myself in these situations, in the war room all stressed out over the lean and athletic receiver versus the sturdiest offensive lineman to come across the draft in 3 years. Bahahahha just kidding. I never think of that. But it would be funny if I did. Here is what I think of drafting:

A firey metabolism.
You know who I kinda dislike? All you people out there claiming to love fruit-infused water and kale chips. Neither are good. Sure, they're edible and fine if they are healthy and give me nutrients I can't get by swallowing a vitamin and washing it down with 4 hours old coffee. And yes I do put greens in my smoothie so I guess I have joined the trendy greens bandwagon. But a kale chip is not a Dorito and I am real sick and tired of people acting like it comes close.

I would like to draft the kind of metabolism where when people ask how I stay so lean I just say casually "Oh, I have always been thin. I guess I just got lucky!" Because this is NOT the case. I have a booty that won't quit and the thighs of an olympic gymnast, squat and round, and I have to work hard for this mom body. Luckily I like working out and I enjoy eating mostly healthy, but it would be nice to have the kind of metabolism for those days that I feel like throwing 10 twinkies and some cool whip in the vitamix.

A live in nanny
No, I don't want anyone else raising my children. I am kind of enjoying screwing them up on my own. But of course at random times throughout the day I would love that 15 minute shower, that chance to pee alone, heck I haven't brushed my teeth 3 times in one day since probably 2010. Just last week I was washing my face when my older child screamed out "Oh no mom, you are NOT gonna like this!" I had soap in my eyes and I was blindly running through the house trying to find out what disaster happened. So it would be nice to just have someone "around" when I need a second. Preferably she would be really nice, not judge the fact that I let dishes pile up in the sink or ever make my bed, and be really adventurous with kids. Hey Sue Ellen, would you take over for 22 minutes while I eat this twinkie smoothie in the bath? Thanks so much, I'll be a better mom in a jiffy.

A live in cook
Ok as long as I am requesting a nanny I guess a cook wouldn't hurt. I actually don't mind cooking, but I don't love cleaning up, and it stresses me out that when I try to get adventurous with cooking I feel like I spend approximately $2,342 dollars at the grocery store buying heavy cream, basil and 3 spices I've never heard of and will never use again. And I do enjoy healthy foods, but when I have 2 small kids flying from the chandelier or clawing at my feet while I throw macaroni in a strainer, it feels like a miracle to get anything on our table. I'm not gonna lie, during the football season, cut up cheese and cereal is actually considered a decent dinner for us. I also probably don't prepare nearly enough ahead of time, so by the time I'm halfway done cooking I am usually eating huge bites from a 1 lb block of cheese while I wait for it to be done and my kids and I circle the kitchen. I also make the mistake of grocery shopping hungry every single time,. When will I ever learn?? so I typically go in intending to get 90% produce and leave with 10 things that end in the word fritter. I think about having someone to handle all that and man, I bet my second kid would be potty trained by now.

A kind of wine that doesn't leave me with raging hangovers
I like my wine. I like it cold (white), I like it room temp (red), I like it in a nice glass (rare), I like it in a solo cup (common), I like it on the weekdays (oops) and on the weekends (always). But sometimes it's just really hard to judge a one glass of wine pour when you are pouring it in to a solo cup and your child is yelling that they are falling off the kitchen counter. I can't help it if the spout from my boxed wine flows so quickly and I am not one to waste anything let alone wine. So the next thing I know I probably had roughly 21 oz. of wine on a Tuesday. And for dinner I had 11 skittles and a row of butter crackers. So Wednesday comes too quickly and everything is going in slow motion. Somehow my 2 year old writes in marker all over the ottoman and my face is still numb and my eyes haven't even uncrusted before I stumble to the coffee maker. The older I get, the less full that solo cup needs to be before the next day hurts. So if someone would invent a wine where I can enjoy it responsibly in my home while watching the Duggars and the Housewives and not wake up feeling like death the next morning, I would draft you first. You would be my star receiver and I would renew your contract until the end of time. Thank you.

A safe room
It's 3:59 in the afternoon and everybody in my house is cranky. My 4 year old is frustrated that I can't explain where all the fossils in the world are. My 2 year old is very upset that I dropped one of his almonds when gave him a handful. It landed 2 inches from his right foot and that is probably the worst thing he has had happen to him this year. He is crying uncontrollably on the floor and I can tell this is a situation where it'll take him at least 15 minutes to become human again. I'm out of wine, something I promised I wouldn't let happen again. I dream of my safe room. This is something I have invented in my head but I would draft it trusting that it could be invented under my specific ideas that I have envisioned. It would be completely dark, with soft walls (in case you want to bang your head against them.) Velvet is acceptable, but a plush chenille would be idea. There would be a hot bath ready to get int on at a moment's notice. Next to said hot bath would be a rainfall shower with a really decadent hair masque that I didn't feel one spec of guilt over buying even though it cost $17. There would be plush robes that are always clean and smell like springtime and butterflies. There would be silence, unless I request rainfall sound or birds chirping. Calorie free cookies would be nice but I don't want to get greedy. Oh, it would have a lock on the door. That's a freaking must.

Draft Day for Moms. Let's make it happen.
xoxo Big Mama