In our lives it seems like there are times when major life events are bunched together. A few years after college there is a period when everyone gets married and any bonuses from work are spent flying to all your friends weddings. I am currently watching a lot of my friends have their first baby, and it is so much fun to see these people that I love go through the very best, most exciting time of their lives. It seems like I have had kids forever. I don't remember the time of my life when I didn't, it seems. And my Brooks just turned 3! But I do remember the feeling, amazing, like it was yesterday, when I laid eyes on my first baby. And I wish I had taken the time to write a letter to this soul before he was even out. I would love to read a whole letter of my feelings at that time, for all the excitement and fear and expectations. And for all the little souls that God is going to send me. I wrote in a baby book for both of my kids, but it was different. I could write 10 books to each of them now about how I feel now, and in case we have any more, I wanted to get it on paper (internet...) now, how I feel to be your mama. This is for you, Brooks and Luke. And any future babies, if there are any more for me (I hope there are, Lord!)
Dear Baby,
I am so excited to meet you. You just have no idea! I daydream all day about what you will look like. You are just a little organism and already the thought of anything happening to you makes my heart ache. What if you are not cute? What if you are cuter than my wildest fantasies? What if you get my nose? I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I don't enjoy being pregnant, but I know it will be worth it. Sorry that I take you for runs even though my belly is getting big. I need these endorphins so I can make it through the day. You will learn your mama is a little crazy but I am a better mama when I get to run. I feel like when we go for these runs our adventures are starting. I hope that warm fuzzy feeling I get at mile 3, you get too. I hope you like caramel on your ice cream too, and I'm sorry about all the spicy food!
I worry so much. I worry if you are a boy you will come out without a penis, is that a thing? Or if you are a girl, that you might look like I did when I was in the 8th grade playing softball. Bad phase. I just think of anything and everything that could ever happen, and then I research crazy things that will never happen. I worry that I will do the right things. I worry that I will hold you too much. I worry I won't hold you enough. I worry that I like wine a lot, and now I have you to take care of, will there be any more time for wine? I have so many faults and I never want you to know about a single one of them. When you come I will be different, I hope. I will be better. I won't ever have that last glass of wine I shouldn't have, and I'll go to bed when that voice in my head says to, because I want to run with you tomorrow. I won't tell any more fibs and I won't gossip any more because I want you to have a good example. I promise I will try to be the best example to you that I can. But I am sure I will screw up and boy does that scare me. How can I be doing this? How can I be responsible for another human being?
I lay awake at night and wonder what it will feel like. I have seen it in movies and replayed the moment in my head a million times. But I still have no idea what it will feel like when they hand you to me. I hope I don't look too terribly awful during labor because your daddy will be in the room, and boy do I love him! I want you to know that. I love your daddy more than anything in the whole world. I love the way my head fits on his shoulder perfectly. I love the way that God planned my life and the way I met him and the way I stalked him until he asked me out. He is so strong, yet he is gentle and kind. He is so wonderful, and I don't really deserve him, but I am trying so hard to be a good wife! We are so in love and you were sooo wanted, sweet baby. I hope that when you come, I feel overjoyed and confident and wonderful. I dream about the moment our eyes meet and we know we will be ok. I hope I don't feel scared and overwhelmed. Maybe I will feel all of those things. If I do I know your daddy will make me feel better, and even if I look like a train wreck after you come out, I know he will hug me tight and tell me I look beautiful, and he will mean it.
Well, now you are here. Oh, sweet baby, you are so special to me. Motherhood is beyond my wildest expectations. I finally understand why it's really just not explainable. You have to live it and breathe in your baby to finally understand why you don't even remember life before you came. Sometimes you drive me flat out bonkers but then my nightfall, you are asleep, and suddenly, I miss you so much I want to wake you up for one more hug. I even, for a crazy second, consider it! So I trudge to my bedroom and go to sleep, and I can't wait to see you in the morning, your fat fingers, curled around the crib railing, waiting for me to scoop you up.
You're growing up, baby. You're talking to me and counting numbers and learning colors and telling me you love my macaroni. I love the feeling when you hug me back. Your tiny hands and fingers curl around my shoulders and suddenly, you feel like a big boy and I wonder if I missed a moment when you were a baby. I feel like I might actually be doing something right and not screwing you up. I feel like the world is ours to have, like we can just skip around and play all day and if something ever happened to you baby I really don't know what I would do.
And then some days it seems like I might not make it. I count the minutes until the YMCA opens and I can drop you off to run on the treadmill, melting my stress away. Then I stand at the 2-way glass window and watch you play. I watch you and your brother walk off and be big boys, and be ok without me, for a minute. And I feel absolutely awful for ever wanting a break in the first place. The younger of you babies swallowed a nickel and when I fished it out I felt like I couldn't go on. You crazy boys are busy and some days I feel like I can't keep up, and I tell your daddy we will have to be ok with just our little family because I want to be a really, really good mom and I worry I can't handle you crazy little boys. I am doing my best and if I have to load the dishwasher one more time I might just curl into a ball on the floor and not get up. But then you smile at me. Your eyes twinkle and I melt. You say in the sweetest, softest voice, a voice I feel like I have known for 50 years "Mama, be happy." You always say this to me because you love it when I'm happy. It means you're allowed to be happy, and we are going to have a great day. And I know I'm a good mama. And you are a really, really good baby.
Thank you, thank you my loves. We are in this together and I am so proud of the boys you are becoming. We have so many good memories to come. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel like "I can't wait for them." I want them to slow down, to 15 miles per hour, annoying school zone speed. I want to watch them on slow motion, and soak up every moment, every hug, every giggle. You are everything I ever dreamed of motherhood to be, and so much more. You are my everything.
All my love
Momma
