There was this day

There was this day. It was a long time ago now. It is etched in my brain forever. It was before I had kids. It was before I met my sweet husband. As amazing as my life has been for 10 years with these people, I was Sarah Adkins Sherman before them. And there was this day.

I came home and my mom was sad. She is never sad. She is quiet, rarely. And when she is quiet, it's weird. She is mostly even, perfectly wonderfully, amazingly calm and even-tempered. She has raised 5 children and I only remember her being really mad and using a cross word one time. It was 104 degrees in Texas and she ran out of gas. That day, she was pissssed. That's truly the only time I remember. Seriously she's that good. To this day I will never know how she did it. But on this day, she was so so so sad, and it was in the morning. I walked into our living room and she said, the news is broadcasting that your dad might be let go from the Packers today.

I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It made me hurt in places I didn't know I could hurt. He had one losing season since he arrived here. You are too greedy. He is too good. You don't deserve him. Let him go. But don't, because I love living here, and our life. And Wisconsin is so good. Weirdly good in a secret way, like a miracle cheese Candy Land nobody knows about it and it's only our secret and we can have all the butter burgers and cheese curds we want. Seriously the people are so nice and if you said tomorrow that I have to leave beautiful sunny Florida for the people of Wisconsin I would do it. It's that good. But if you let my dad go, I will always have to 1% hate it and I don't want to. I want to always love Culvers cheese curds and milk shakes, and pushing the Krolls button because I didn't get a butter patty on my burger, and la la la la Lambeau. There is only one Lambeau field.

So they did. She told me at 8 a.m. And by 9 a.m., before dad could even tell all he wanted to tell, they had made the news public. This was the first time that I hated football. Up until this point in my life, football was just part of life. I didn't love football. I didn't hate football. I was football.

(me) "Hi my name is Sarah I just moved here from Texas. I'm 12. I have moved 7 times and my dad is a football coach."
(friend who does not know me) "Oh. He does that year round? That's weird."
(me) "Ya it's weird. want to be my friend?"

Fast forward 20 years. I will meet friends at the gym......at the grocery....I met one of my best Florida friends getting coffee on day 2 at a Starbucks, and she's a neighbor and friend now! Thanks football coaching!! And Cyndy Rodriguez! Love you! And here I am. I am just a mom. That is my identifying factor. I have noticed recently people will often ask me, but what do you do? They know I am a mom, and that suddenly isn't enough. But this isn't about that, and I am going to have to write another blog about that. Because it is enough and I am trying to raise two decent human beings and by golly it's exhausting. Yes I do write a blog when I feel like it. Yes I do sell skin care and I don't do it very well. But I am a mom. And that's enough. So stop asking moms what else they do. Rant done.

I am just here. Here raising babies and praying and baking cookies and running and doing more praying. And I still think about that day all the time. That is what people watching sports don't understand. There is a coach. And there is a family supporting that coach. I am guessing they haven't seen him in weeks and they care more about that game than you I GUARANTEE. I think about the season my husband will start in 100 days or so all the time. I feel sick to my stomach already. A few months in, he will be exhausted. He will be run down. I will be doing everything in our household except earning money. I don't know how this happened that I married a coach but God laid out my life a million years ago and he knows what he's doing. I will worry my coach is too run-down, and I won't be able to make it. But I will make it. And we will be ok. Winning will make it better. But if we don't, we will still be ok.

So on that horrible day, my dad left the Packers. I was in graduate school at Nebraska at the time, so you would think that I would have been fairly removed from it. But my parents were amazing at keeping our family in tact, and I felt every hurt that I could feel. The day my dad went to the Packers to clear out his office I went with him. I helped him load boxes of memorabilia and framed pictures. It took forever, because he had lived at those offices for over 6 years. I waited patiently in the hallways of the enormous building while he went and thanked every janitor, cleaning person, maintenance man, etc. He tipped them all, and he knew their name. He knew every single person's name. He was asking about their kids, and asking to stay in touch. And I wanted to kick the walls down. Honestly I wanted to burn the walls down, but that sounds crazy. So ya we will stick with kick the walls down. I wanted to yell at anybody I saw "You are crazy. He is the best you will ever find!"

But it happened anyway, and we moved on. And my family went to Houston, where my dad was the offensive line coach then the offensive coordinator of the Houston Texans. He was eventually named the Head Coach of Texas A&M University a few years later. He turned the program around, devoted his entire being to that University, and I still have people today tell me what he did for them at that school. I will have people approach me for the rest of my life telling me that my dad was the best thing happened to them. And he was the best thing that happened to me, too. In 6 years at the Packers he won 3 divisional championships. In 4 years at Texas A&M he went to 3 bowl games. Coaching is the weirdest business on the planet. It's never enough. It feels like it will never be enough.

So even after all this weird pain....this coaching life that I didn't ask for, but I am incredibly blessed to have been given, I have come to accept Big Poppa's decision to coach in Cape Cod. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be able to coach, because seriously he is so good at it it's crazy. His best talent is to be a motivator, honestly his scheme could use some work. HAHAHAH just checking if you are reading dad. Love you! But he is the best thing that has ever happened to football, and anything he has touched has turned to gold (Brett Favre finishing strong under his coaching at the Packers, Aaron Rodgers drafted during his tenure at the Packers, Ryan Tannehill coached in college, Johnny Football recruited at A&M, raised the great Sarah Sherman, bye Felicia).

So I am not going to be sad. I am going to be ecstatic. That he will keep coaching. Thank God. He called me one day and said he might get into Real Estate and I flat out told him he was crazy. You are way too good at this Poppa. Keep on coaching. Coach until all you want to do is go out on that crazy boat to Nantucket even though we all tell you it makes us nervous. Because you're changing lives and it's amazing and it would be a downright crime to hold you back. Here is the link to an awesomely enormous decision by my Pops.

Sherman to take over as Head Coach of Massachusett's High School

If you have read this entire crazy rambling blog, my only request is this.
Keep loving sports. Watch them with the passion that they deserve. Somebody's entire life is devoted to the game you are watching. A 9-year old basketball game might have been missed tonight, because this guy had to coach the Boston Celtics.

Love your dad. I have made it perfectly clear that I have wanted a girl for a long time. It is not a secret to anybody that knows me. I like to laugh with everyone about how it is because I would shop for her endlessly (duh) and we would be best friends forever (double duh). It is mostly because my dad is the best man there ever was in my mind. And there is no sweeter relationship, in the entire world, than a daughter and her father. Zac would be the luckiest man in the world to have a daughter and build the kind of relationship I had with my dad. He is the first man I ever loved, and he is the kindest, sweetest soul on the planet.

Dad,
You are the most wonderfully good person I have ever known. When I was growing up, you told me about 2,000 times, I can handle anything in the world, just don't lie to me. Ugh. It took me forever to figure that out. Thank you for teaching me about discipline. And marriage. And honestly. And that I should never hold on to anything tighter than I hold on to my relationship with God.

I know you are going to be moving mountains when you are gone, because that is the kind of person you are. You will influence people so much that they will continue to spread that when you can't do it anymore yourself. And that is all Jesus ever wanted.  I don't know why God brought us to these places but I have to believe it's to get us here, where we have our faith, our family, our health, and this relationship. I read 2 things recently that make me feel better.
"My heart is at ease knowing that, what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me."
"In the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

To the Nauset High School football team,
I hope you understand the coach you are getting. This is no joke. He has a .594 head coaching winning record in the NFL, and he is the most wise man I have ever known. But more importantly, he can guide you in every facet of your life. He will uphold you to the highest standards you have ever known, and he will not let you fail. You will probably hate him before you love him, and then you will never, ever, ever forget him. He might make you learn a 128 page notebook about the west coast offense, but you will also possibly learn the most important life lessons you never knew you needed. Buckle your seat belts. And get ready. PS you might puke during 2-a-days.

"I will go before you, and make the crooked places straight."
Isaiah 45:2
xoxo Big Mama

A Mother's prayer

Dear Lord,

Thank you for making me a mama. It's all I dreamt of and more. My children are a beautiful mess. They're good and kind and I am trying to teach them about prayer. I know Brooks prayed for a dinosaur phone last night. Sorry about that. I love how whatever we are doing, he makes it his own.

Please watch over Brooks and Luke. Finding my husband and the gift of these boys....they are the best things that have ever happened to me. I pray that my husband wins all his football games for the rest of his life. I know that's probably too much to ask so I'll take 75%. Please watch over those boys of mine Lord, in the swimming pool always, on the playground climbing high things and especially that spider net climbing thing, when they are faced with that big first-time decision to follow or lead, and every time they are faced with the decision to be kind or mean. When they eat McDonalds, let it pass through their body quickly and not linger. Please let them avoid bug bites, bee stings, and most hurt in the world, but I suppose they need a little to grow.

They didn't get to choose their mama. I pray they only hate me a little, just when they are teenagers and I kiss them at drop off. I pray they secretly want to marry someone just like me. A little bit of a hot mess, mostly fun, who lets her mother in law visit whenever she wants. Because I am going to visit you boys all.the.time. I pray they do find love, and it's the kind of love that you get lost in and fight for and they laugh and laugh and laugh. I pray they have children, just the right amount for them, and that moment changes their life for the better just like the gifts you gave me. I pray that I continue to raise them up to follow you and that they want that for their children as well, more than anyone else.

Please help with my worry Lord. I worry every second that they are happy. That something is going to happen to them and I am not going to be there to fix it and prevent it and cocoon them. That I cuddled them enough. That they are going to good people. Help me to put down my phone when it's important and lay on the floor and get lost in a puzzle. Help me to read that Harry and the Bucket full of dinosaurs for the 1,456th time. I don't want to read that book anymore. But I pray you help me to read it with energy at least 200 more times. Give me patience, especially when their little wiry bodies climb into my bed at 3 in the morning. I know they need me, and I pray you help me not get frustrated that they are like a hot little octopus in bed with me slapping me in the face. Help me to brush their hair to the side and rub their back so they fall into that deep sleep where their balloon bellies barely move.

Thank you for making me a mom Lord. I pray your presence is with me in the car line when I am frustrated, at the park when there are mean mommies, in all the most important questions they ask me along the way, and most importantly, continuing to guide me in my marriage to the best man in the world. My relationship with him is the most wonderful gift I can give my kids, and I know the very best thing he has done for our family is show my boys how to treat a wife.

Sometimes I have days where my patience is so thin and I feel like the blind leading the blind. I scold more than I should, I yell more than I ever wanted to, and I feel like I am screwing up this incredible gift you gave me. Please be with me most in these moments. These little people are the finest, loveliest people I have ever known, and I want so badly to do this right.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

xoxo Big Mama