Here comes 30

Yeesh writing this out makes it real. In May, I turned THIRTY. 30. I have lived 30 years. I still enter 29 on the bike at the Y and every time I think, ya the bike doesn't need to know my real age. Seems like I should definitely be more wise but I just spent a good portion of the "Holy Grail" time (when both of my children are asleep) eating Trader Joe's popcorn in my bed watching the Real Housewives of California. I'm sure I should have been doing sit ups, cleaning or something more productive.

Seems like even in my old, old age I make the same mistakes time and time again - that one-too-many glass of red wine on a weekday (my children always wake up at 5:30 a.m. the day after these decisions), buying the 4 inch wedges on clearance when I know I don't have nearly enough social outings to justify a thong sandal much less a sexy wedge, oh the list goes on.

I have thought many times before how fun it would be to go through life again with the knowledge I have now and not make those mistakes I made. How fabulous and popular I would be! But then again, I wouldn't be me, so I guess that's the reason God makes us struggle through the awkward mistakes. Here's what I would tell my former selves.

8 year old Sarah
I know you love these bows but they are obnoxious. Also, your bangs are bad and your teeth are growing in super wonky. Just get ready you are going to have braces for 4 years pretty soon. So you better start working on your personality girl because you're gonna need it.

13 year old Sarah
Oh Please do not do this. Do not shave in between your eyebrows. THIS IS A BAD IDEA. No good will come of this.

It was a typical hot Texas day. I came home from school in a determined mood. It was a Friday and I was hot on my heels to do something crazy. Change my look, stop being such an awkward teenager and wouldn't it be so fun to go back Monday with a whole new look? I skipped up to the bathroom and examined my face. Just as I had been thinking for weeks, my eyebrows were beginning to take over my face. Like angry growing caterpillars they seemed to become bushier by the second. I spent most of the day licking my pinkies and attempting to get them to lie down and I blamed this obsession with why I was barely passing science. But I was mortified to ask someone for help, so instead of plucking a few hairs with a tweezer, I went to my only other known option, Mr. Razor Blade. The kind that most people use to shave their LEGS, not their FACE. I wielded that scary little guy right down the center of my eyebrows, and you know what I got? The weirdest looking eyebrows ever, that were still bushy, and now just started in the middle of my eyebrow arch.

This was bad, and to this day my left eyebrow still hasn't grown in evenly to my right. But it's such a lesson God has taught me over and over again, as he patiently waits for me to catch up and learn. As the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20, our body is His Temple - "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?" Such a good reminder that we are all so lucky to have been created in him and that these vain thoughts really just hurt us.








18-22 year old Sarah
Drink a little less. Care what people think a lot less. Cherish this time. All you have to think about is yourself. In just 4 years you will have to think about your husband, a new baby, and do you want more babies?! It's about to get very real, so just enjoy these moments when your biggest decision is whether to join Kristen at the bar for a beer on the way back from the library. Enjoy these moments with your girlfriends. You are lucky to have people like this in your life.

26 year old Sarah
Post baby #1. It is not ok to wear pajama jeans. Ever. I know that they look really cute, and it's 1:30 a.m. and you're bored out of your mind nursing your little baby boy and your new mom lumps are flowing out over your real life full cotton pajamas. And that none of your jeans fit. Still, that does not make this acceptable.

Pull yourself together, slap on some blush and mascara, and get out of the house. It doesn't matter if you have reached your pre-baby weight or you're 50 lbs off. Get it together and get excited about life for the sake of you and your new baby.

Reminders to the current Sarah
It's ok Mama. You're doing a good job. Keep your chin up!

Appreciate your stomach now. It's probably just going to get worse.

It's ok to think your boys are special. This isn't vain, and it's important to remind them too.

Encourage every mom you see. Every one. You never know whose day you're going to make by telling them that you love their blouse, their new haircut, or that their kids seem very happy, and they must be a great mom. Every positive thought you think, share it with the person. Radiate happiness so that it bounces back to you.

Be kind to your husband, he's a great man and he deserves it.

You can't hug your kids too much.

You can't take too many naps. Yes, you! Stop washing the dishes and lie down. Everyone else is napping, why shouldn't you!?

Some things I have been pondering

I'm trying to get better about blogging more often, I love sitting down to get my "adult fix" and I love to write so this is such a great outlet for me. So instead of trying to make sure each blog has a funny subject I'm going to let myself do a weekly "Things I've been pondering." Because I just know you're all dying to know......

1. Amanda Bynes got earrings in her cheeks. This is not good. Poor baby girl has been on a downward spiral for some time now, but this is a new low. If you're like me you remember this sweet girl who was on Nickelodeon's "All That," she was hilarious! Now....oh man, we have all made bad decisions (one of my worst was circa 2005 dying my hair jet black, yikes!) but this is deperessing.

I don't know how this happens. I can see the tattoo thing. Not for me but I could see it. I am one of those people who acts way too much on impulse so I would probably end up getting a tattoo of a huge sprinkled donut on my forearm donut during a no-carb dieting phase because it was all I could think of. But how does one wake up in the morning and think, ya know my cheeks are missing something....ding ding! Earrings! I'm calling you, Amanda Bynes, come to my house and I will put you through a little two-kids-in-diapers-both-under-three rehab, I'll have you ship shape in no time. No cheek earrings allowed.

2. I was one of those people that became overly concerned about Princess Kate's baby. I'm embarassed to admit it but the public should know the truth. At my worst I was checking my US weekly app 10-12 times a day for updates on the Royal Baby. Then when it finally came time for it I felt terrible for her. All those people waiting outside, zero privacy, feeling like the world is watching, and you're just praying that the baby isn't huge and your who-ha doesn't need stitches. On that note, can you imagine the pressure on that physician? I think I read somewhere the royal doctor was like 82, not kidding, so maybe he had enough confidence to move past that, but really can't imagine going through the motions without thinking, "that's a princess vajayjay, that's a princess vajayjay." That immaturity is exactly why I was not cut out to be doctor (and that's the only reason. HA!).

3. Whenever I go shopping in a mall that has those random kiosks with massage chairs and overly giddy looking Chinese men I'm always amazed at how much business they're getting. Who are these people that are just moseying along, done with their shopping in Sears, and decide they need a massage fully in public? That can't be relaxing at all. I want to be the person that's so relaxed they can totally mellow out in the middle of the shopping mall for a massage. No wait I don't. I think you're weird.

4. We traveled quite a bit this summer and there's nothing like traveling to make you feel like a white trash hot mess. I loved that every time we walked up to our gate to get on the airplane I felt the eyes seize on me and silently pray they weren't seated next to us. If you haven't changed a massive baby blowout diaper on an airplane in those tiny bathrooms then you really haven't lived! I am not sure when my life got so glamorous.

This year we flew Jet Blue because it was the only airline that got us from Ft. Lauderdale to Boston on a straight flight, and since we still had to rent the car and drive to Cape Cod I wanted to make the trip as easy as possible. The airline is a little more expensive but you get a personal TV and snacks each way! It's amazing how the little things when you're up in the air feel like the biggest luxuries. I guess it's because I'm just on survival mode but when you're drowning and a lady is handing you endless bags of animal crackers, it's like a lifesaver.

When traveling there is one particular person I began to resent: random Emo/Skater looking boys. I would notice them all over, and the main reason is that they weigh less than I do and their little skinny jeans would not fit my booty. There was one in particular on one of our flights that absolutely weighed less than I did and spent the whole flight with an introspective look on his face. Listen you are 13 what do you have to be introspective about?! Take my squirmy 8 month old for 20 minutes and change a few diapers and then you can ponder.

5. This one is small. It's a sheer miracle that on the days when Brooks says "mom" repeatedly 1,000 times that I don't punch him square in the face. Just want a little respect on that one.

Why I would be precious at being a royal

I love these e-cards that are all over pinterest. I have pinned dozens of them but this one ranks right up there as one of my favorites, mostly because it's so darn true. I just know I would be such a good millionaire! I would probably give at least some of it away, so you better be happy if you're one of my good friends because if I ever win the lottery you can expect I'd have some sort of money-giving-away party.

Even more than this e-card, however, I do know one thing is for sure, and that it's in another life, I should definitely be a Royal. Yes. The kind that lives in England and is related to the queen. I have never been a Royal, but I just know I would be darling at it!

Ok here's the real story. I have become slightly obsessed with Princess Kate. Like, if her people were "looking into me" because of the amount of times I have checked up on whether she has had her baby or not, I would not be totally shocked. If her hospital was in the same city as mine, let's just say I would have made a really good janitor/nurse type friend at said hospital that would let me in to visit her immediately after she delivered, because obviously we would be best friends if we met, I just know it. Will and Zac would just sit around talking football, and I would give her tons of baby advice like how it's ok if food drops on the ground and the baby eats it if it's within a reasonable amount of time, or how it's ok to have a beer while breastfeeding because it helps with letdown. Classy, helpful stuff like that. We would have to learn how to play cricket I suppose but that's fine. We would be the cutest couples! But first, I would need to be a Royal and this is why I would be darling at it.

1. I have a face for the people. I am pretty sure I just have a really relate-able face. Not too jarring, not too striking, just your every day, loveable-princessy type of face. See below, that's my sister and I waiting on my mom and other sister in a Talbots over vacation. If I were the princess wouldn't you be all "gosh there she is, Princess Sarah being so normal! Don't you love her?!"

2. I look really good in a hat. Like wow, really good. See above. Nuff said.

3. I could drink tea in the afternoon. I actually don't love tea but I do know how to raise my pinky. Hey, I could drink a dirty martini at 3 p.m. if it's in a castle, whatever. But I really do love biscuits and I am pretty sure they give you biscuits with the tea.

4. My scandalous times are behind me, and I'm ready to be classy. Yes it's true. My days of drinking wine out of the bag (that comes in the box) are behind me, mostly because I have 2 children and having even a slight hangover with children is both the most awful and trashy feeling of all time. So I've decided to be classy until I'm at least 48ish and they're out of the house. If I were a royal, I would strongly consider extending that time and I think I could be classy longer, otherwise the papers will have it out for me and we can't have that! But people would appreciate that I have overcome some hurdles so I'm assuming my previous scandals would be "cute" and "what makes Princess Sarah approachable."

5. That accent would be precious on me. I am sooo good at accents so it would be super easy to learn. (Truth, every accent for every country is the same and they all sound like a confused person from India). I could be like Madonna, spend a few months over there and bam, cutest accent ever.

Since I already married my prince I guess my only shot at becoming a royal in this life is to become best friends with Princess Kate, which is already in my plans anyway. I just have to figure out how to get over there and set up a play date, because then I would be in. Between my precious monsters and superb mothering advice, it would probably be mere days before they name us Honorary Royals!

Hold that baby in Princess Kate I'm coming!