And with the first pick in the NFL Draft, I select.....

My husband has one of those weird jobs. I guess I'm not sure exactly what a normal job is these days, I change diapers and sell face wash on the side. But when I think of Boy Meets World and the dad being a grocery store manager, I think, that must be pretty great. Probably normal hours, and a discount on food? Sign me up. I can just hear myself yelling out the door after my husband has actually helped me all morning with the routine, yelling "bring me back the freshest tomatoes you can find! Oh and a box of wine!" Sounds nice.

But alas, mine is a football coach. And it is certainly not all bad. He does work a lot of hours in the season, which is fall. But for those that enjoy going to athletic events, I get to spend 5-6 months going to football games for free, and they are fun. It is certainly not boring and he seems extremely happy, so when the hours get long, I remind myself that he is very lucky to be doing something he is passionate about it and has fun with.

If you like football you might be aware tonight is the beginning of the NFL draft. The team my husband coaches for will have one selection tonight as just the first round will air tonight. There will be trades, surprises, and I'm sure a little drama. I am excited to watch and can't help but hope for an offensive weapon, as my husband coaches on offense.

Since I also grew up with a father for a football coach, my life has often revolved around the sport, like it or not. So I can't help but think of myself in these situations, in the war room all stressed out over the lean and athletic receiver versus the sturdiest offensive lineman to come across the draft in 3 years. Bahahahha just kidding. I never think of that. But it would be funny if I did. Here is what I think of drafting:

A firey metabolism.
You know who I kinda dislike? All you people out there claiming to love fruit-infused water and kale chips. Neither are good. Sure, they're edible and fine if they are healthy and give me nutrients I can't get by swallowing a vitamin and washing it down with 4 hours old coffee. And yes I do put greens in my smoothie so I guess I have joined the trendy greens bandwagon. But a kale chip is not a Dorito and I am real sick and tired of people acting like it comes close.

I would like to draft the kind of metabolism where when people ask how I stay so lean I just say casually "Oh, I have always been thin. I guess I just got lucky!" Because this is NOT the case. I have a booty that won't quit and the thighs of an olympic gymnast, squat and round, and I have to work hard for this mom body. Luckily I like working out and I enjoy eating mostly healthy, but it would be nice to have the kind of metabolism for those days that I feel like throwing 10 twinkies and some cool whip in the vitamix.

A live in nanny
No, I don't want anyone else raising my children. I am kind of enjoying screwing them up on my own. But of course at random times throughout the day I would love that 15 minute shower, that chance to pee alone, heck I haven't brushed my teeth 3 times in one day since probably 2010. Just last week I was washing my face when my older child screamed out "Oh no mom, you are NOT gonna like this!" I had soap in my eyes and I was blindly running through the house trying to find out what disaster happened. So it would be nice to just have someone "around" when I need a second. Preferably she would be really nice, not judge the fact that I let dishes pile up in the sink or ever make my bed, and be really adventurous with kids. Hey Sue Ellen, would you take over for 22 minutes while I eat this twinkie smoothie in the bath? Thanks so much, I'll be a better mom in a jiffy.

A live in cook
Ok as long as I am requesting a nanny I guess a cook wouldn't hurt. I actually don't mind cooking, but I don't love cleaning up, and it stresses me out that when I try to get adventurous with cooking I feel like I spend approximately $2,342 dollars at the grocery store buying heavy cream, basil and 3 spices I've never heard of and will never use again. And I do enjoy healthy foods, but when I have 2 small kids flying from the chandelier or clawing at my feet while I throw macaroni in a strainer, it feels like a miracle to get anything on our table. I'm not gonna lie, during the football season, cut up cheese and cereal is actually considered a decent dinner for us. I also probably don't prepare nearly enough ahead of time, so by the time I'm halfway done cooking I am usually eating huge bites from a 1 lb block of cheese while I wait for it to be done and my kids and I circle the kitchen. I also make the mistake of grocery shopping hungry every single time,. When will I ever learn?? so I typically go in intending to get 90% produce and leave with 10 things that end in the word fritter. I think about having someone to handle all that and man, I bet my second kid would be potty trained by now.

A kind of wine that doesn't leave me with raging hangovers
I like my wine. I like it cold (white), I like it room temp (red), I like it in a nice glass (rare), I like it in a solo cup (common), I like it on the weekdays (oops) and on the weekends (always). But sometimes it's just really hard to judge a one glass of wine pour when you are pouring it in to a solo cup and your child is yelling that they are falling off the kitchen counter. I can't help it if the spout from my boxed wine flows so quickly and I am not one to waste anything let alone wine. So the next thing I know I probably had roughly 21 oz. of wine on a Tuesday. And for dinner I had 11 skittles and a row of butter crackers. So Wednesday comes too quickly and everything is going in slow motion. Somehow my 2 year old writes in marker all over the ottoman and my face is still numb and my eyes haven't even uncrusted before I stumble to the coffee maker. The older I get, the less full that solo cup needs to be before the next day hurts. So if someone would invent a wine where I can enjoy it responsibly in my home while watching the Duggars and the Housewives and not wake up feeling like death the next morning, I would draft you first. You would be my star receiver and I would renew your contract until the end of time. Thank you.

A safe room
It's 3:59 in the afternoon and everybody in my house is cranky. My 4 year old is frustrated that I can't explain where all the fossils in the world are. My 2 year old is very upset that I dropped one of his almonds when gave him a handful. It landed 2 inches from his right foot and that is probably the worst thing he has had happen to him this year. He is crying uncontrollably on the floor and I can tell this is a situation where it'll take him at least 15 minutes to become human again. I'm out of wine, something I promised I wouldn't let happen again. I dream of my safe room. This is something I have invented in my head but I would draft it trusting that it could be invented under my specific ideas that I have envisioned. It would be completely dark, with soft walls (in case you want to bang your head against them.) Velvet is acceptable, but a plush chenille would be idea. There would be a hot bath ready to get int on at a moment's notice. Next to said hot bath would be a rainfall shower with a really decadent hair masque that I didn't feel one spec of guilt over buying even though it cost $17. There would be plush robes that are always clean and smell like springtime and butterflies. There would be silence, unless I request rainfall sound or birds chirping. Calorie free cookies would be nice but I don't want to get greedy. Oh, it would have a lock on the door. That's a freaking must.

Draft Day for Moms. Let's make it happen.
xoxo Big Mama

Deals and Steals

I love clothes and shopping. I certainly don't want to sound shallow but yes, I just love it. I can remember being in the 7th grade and saving for a pair of gold tennis shoes (yes, I was a baller even then) and visiting the mall to pet them until I had enough money to buy them. I can remember standing at the register and purchasing them, as sad as that is. I have always loved clothes, shoes, accessories, and as I have aged and matured (and had kids to shrink my fashion budget), I have grown to increasingly love a deal. I love the feeling that I saved money, I love snagging something and feeling the excitement, and I have done some crazy things in the name of a deal.

The most recent crazy mission was going to Target last Sunday at the time that it opened in hopes of snagging a piece of the Lilly Pulitzer line that came out as a designer collaboration.
Lilly Pulitzer for Target
I included the link even though everything sold out in about 3 seconds, waaaah. If you have followed any of the Target designer collaborations you probably know that people get there when it comes out and often buy things they don't even need or want and resell them for even more money on ebay or some other way. I personally just love Lilly Pulitzer and the fun colors and designs and wanted to see if I could snag a dress or cover up. I knew that I for sure would have to get there the day they put out the collection and figured I might as well go there when the store opened in hopes of more options. I didn't know that when I pulled in 30 minutes before target even opened I would already be behind 200 women already there! I also didn't realize that people turn into absolutely crazy wolves when these things come out as I had never gotten there for the opening of a designer collaborations before, but it was nuts.

Once I finally got the women's area the only things left were a dress in a size that wasn't mine (but it was my mom's size!) and a pair of flip flops that weren't my size (but they were my sisters!). I snagged the two items and they are actually on their way to my mom and sister already. Little buggers totally got a score.

I moped on over to the home section because I knew there was a pineapple plate that Lilly did that I wanted and I did get that! I think it's adorable and I can't wait to use it at my next shower or dinner.

When I was over in home section pouting and watching 2 tiny old ladies fight over a Lilly lawn chair and cushion, I saw a women around my size pushing around a huge shopping cart with at least 20 Lilly clothing items and said, "Man, you must have been first in line!" She confessed she was in the front of the line and also a savvy shopper, and that some of the clothing items were just the largest size for little girls, or the equivalent of girls size 14-16. It hadn't occurred to me that I was in fact around the same size as I was at 16, with boobs hanging about a foot lower. I would have never thought to look in that section but now, at about 11 minutes into Target being open, it was gone. But the adorable girl and I befriended each other over the madness and she offered that I could follow her to the dressing room and take any of her discards.....genius! So, when searching out deals, don't be afraid to be friendly and make a few buddies along the way. You never know how it might help!

I followed them like a sad puppy and waited while she tried on all her items and discarded about half, and as it turned out, I got 3 things she didn't want! All in the largest little girls size. The cut was a little boxy, I guess that's the standard for children's clothing, so during Monday while my kids were at Mother's Day Out, I promptly took them to a local seamstress so that she can take them in a smidge at the waist. This was one of the girl's dresses and as you can see it's a tad boxy so I can't wait to see how it fits when I get it back from the seamstress. Please pardon the bright workout socks

At this point I found a pair of sandals that were my size with a fun pineapple on them. I still think they're really cute but they were $30.00 and not made especially awesome, I after some consideration I felt like I could deal without them. The same goes for the drink stirrers below them. I still think they're ADORABLE but realistically my drinking typically goes something like squeezing myself a glass and a half from my box of wine that's always on top of the fridge, so they're just not realistically going to fit into my every day life. I do feel like we actually entertain a pretty good amount but even when we do it seems it's a shower with mimosas or a cookout with wine and beer. So, life goals include having a signature drink besides boxed wine and LaCroix soda (hello mommy spritzer, delish!) so that I can buy adorable drink stirrers in the future.

Since I am always hunting down a deal I thought I would share a few more Splurge and Steal comparisons I am currently pining for.

1. Tassel earrings and tassels overall are definitely a trend I am loving. I want to tassel my damn body I love them so much. I don't think my style is really bohemian, more like "a little preppy with a touch of funky," but I do like mixing in bohemian moments sometimes. Most of the time if I go too bohemian, like the adorable kimonos that are everywhere, I look more homeless than Coachella chic, so I have to be careful. I have wanted these Oscar De La Renta Tassel earrings for foreeeever and a day. But even if I was Beyonce I don't know that I would get them because that's just a really overpriced beaded earring! But still, I die. I love big jewelry and costume jewelry, it's such a fun and quick and easy way to dress up an outfit.
Splurge
Oscar De La Renta Tassel Earring

Steal
Steal Tassel Earring
I have seen quite a few copies of this fabulous earring but this one has to the best. It's spot on!

2. Lululemon. Oh you vixen. If you would have told me years ago I would be spending upwards of $60 on a workout shirt I would have laughed in your face really hard. It's just so ridiculous. But yet somehow they suck me in every time. I don't know what you put in your wonder under pants Lulu but you're a genius! They just fit so well and make you feel good, and quite frankly workout clothes is what I am wearing 90% of the time at this stage in my life. So there I go to spend all my money. But still, it is really hard for me to wrap my head around a bra that is over $50. Nobody will see it so it's just my dirty little expensive secret. But they are fun and the straps are so fun, they do tempt me. Well luckily one of my favorite retailers for deals and steals, Forever 21, has started to make some bras just like Lulu's!! I even went to try them on in the store to see if they had any support, even though I don't need much because my boobs are like clementines in panty hose, and just need a basic teenager A cup support. But they were fabulous! I felt like I could definitely run a few miles in them. I didn't get one that day because I was just returning something and being strong but it's definitely on my shopping list for May.
Splurge
Lululemon Caged Bra

Steal
Forever21 Caged Bra

With mother's day approaching, does your momma or wifey need a tassel earring or caged bra!? Happy Deal Hunting!

xoxo Big Mama