I am on my third pregnancy and I haven't liked barely one second of any of my pregnancies. How's that for a warm and fuzzy opener. Yes, this one followed a miscarriage, so not a day of it has gone by that I am not utterly completely THANKFUL that we were blessed with another pregnancy. I prayed for it like I've never prayed before, and I have appreciated it. However, that unfortunately doesn't take away from the part about it sucking. Utterly completely. I'm sorry. And then I'm a little sorry that maybe I'm not sorry. Pregnancy just plain isn't all that fun. I miss wine. I miss sleeping on my tum tum. I miss normal make out sessions. I miss human sized nipples. I miss being able to put shoes on without huffing out of breath like it's an olympic event. I miss taking a bath and my whole body being submerged. I miss clothes, really cute clothes. I miss beer. I don't like sushi but I miss it. I don't horseback ride but damn't maybe I want to. I want to ice skate, drinking a blue moon, smoking a pack of cigarettes, without a care in the world. Ok maybe I just wanna nap on my stomach and have a glass of red wine tonight but all the things seem to hurt the baby except sitting on my front porch and waiting on it to come out.
If you loved pregnancy, I both envy you and hate you. I'll slap you outright if you tell me to my face, and there's not much you can do, I'm pregnant. That's maybe the one good thing, you can get away with just about anything. I am pretty sure I could burn the house down and my husband would be so afraid to poke the hormonal bear he would just giggle nervously. Here are my top most hated things about growing this beautiful nugget.
The stretching of the skin
I am sitting here typing and can feel the baby moving. It's beautiful and weird and awesome. I can also literally feel my skin stretching. Literally, I can feel the left side of my belly creating and making a stretch mark. Yes I've seen those posts where the mom will take a selfie with her baby in an organic cotton sling drinking a smoothie out of a mason jar and say, oh these are the roads that built my kids and for that reason they're beautiful and I lay awake at night and count the stretch marks and my children's dreams BLAH BLAH BLAH. No. They're ugly and I want the stomach of a 16 year old Lacrosse player with a raging metabolism. Each night, I may forget to brush my kids teeth but you better be darn sure I coat myself in Bio Oil like I am about to slide down Mt. Everest and being slick is my only hope of survival.
The not horseback riding
Ok seriously I've been on a horse like 4 times in my life, so this isn't hindering me that much. But I do NOT like to be told not to do something, or that it's not a good idea. Unfortunately the way that I am wired, it just makes me want to do that one thing 10,000 times more. I actually like to look up the things that are suggested I don't do so I can get extra pissed about not doing them. We went to Disney World for the first time in my life while I was pregnant with my second son so I couldn't go on any roller coaster rides. I am still bitter. I just got to waddle around swollen looking for funnel cakes. Pregnancy fail.
The feeling of unattractiveness
Yes I do think it's insane and incredible that this body was able to make a baby, grow a baby, nourish a baby, and push out a baby. That is amazing. But it ain't pretty and I'm sorry I'm not going to be convinced. My boobs are so ginormous I don't even know what to do with them and if it didn't take so much effort I'd duct tape them down every morning. When the pregnancy is over they'll just turn into a bag of rocks that lay atop my body squirting milk in every direction. That is for about 11 months when I give up nursing and they turn into what can only be described as dropping a small orange into panty hose. I'll spend $57 on a bra from victoria secret, feel guilty about it, bend over and place them in the purple bra every day, and they'll look normal. I'll convince myself that my husband isn't a boob man and I'll cry about them once a month. Carry on. My nipples are a weird color and a weird shape and I don't know if they'll go back. That's a mystery only time will unlock. I'm leaking milk already, which is a funny, funny joke.. My belly button is flat and starting to look confused. The other day my 5 year old son told me it looked like a snoring panda. I don't know for sure but I don't think it was a compliment, because he snorted and walked out of the room. I can't see my lady parts but I'm pretty positive that's a good thing. I'm swollen, I'm waddling, and my butt is so big it enters the room 5 minutes after I do. I can actually feel my butt shaking like I'm on a cartoon. I think it has sound effects.
The comments
We went to the zoo on Monday and a lady came up to me and said confidently, "Woman, that baby is good and grown and probably has hobbies." While it made me laugh, pregnancy opens a window for everyone to comment on your body, your baby, your parenting style, and how you're carrying. I've been told I'm too big, I've been told I'm too small, I've been told everything under the sun, to which I have wanted to shout every time, shut your face and get me a cookie. Unless you're going up to someone pregnant to tell them "You are an incredible miracle unicorn who I cannot believe is surviving this insanity can I give you a foot rub and a million dollars," Shut your pie hole and move on.
Sorry if this offended you. I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant, my husband is on the road recruiting football players, and I need a hug.
Signed, bitter pregnant lady about to eat some waffles.
