I can't seem to find this life so if you tell me where I can get one of those I will pay you all the money in my purse which is approximately 10.76 plus a race car, a diaper and a lollipop without the wrapper.
Here is what that glamorous life looks like compared to my real, unglamorous life (which I do love).
5:47 a.m.
Glamorous - I wake up to get an early morning 3 mile run on my treadmill. I don't even need a cup of coffee because I feel so refreshed. I help myself to all the fresh fruit I have pre-diced and pat myself on the back for getting so many antioxidants in before 6 a.m.
Unglamorous - I step on 3 plastic dinasours on the way to the Keurig to make a cup of coffee. It feels like nails going into my feet and I curse the toys. With my eyes crusted shut I accidentally add orange juice to the last coffee pod I have thereby rendering myself coffee-less and unable to function. I consider calling 911.
7:13 a.m.
Glamorous - My children awake one by one cheerfully and tell me they love me repeatedly. I feel them farm fresh scrambled eggs and strawberries and we talk about what we will do with our day and if Miley Cyrus is really ending her engagement.
Unglamorous - My kids have been awake an hour and already I think that if I hear the Doc McStuffins theme song one more time I will have a nervous breakdown. My 2 year old is gathering all the smallest and most chokeable toys to place in front of my 6 month old, who is rolling around on the tile. When I ask him to stop he gets frustrated and begins to cover the baby with blankets, focusing mostly on his face.
8:47 a.m.
Glamorous - After spending an hour on our French and Mandorin skills we retreat to the backyard where we do yoga poses together in the perfect 72 degree weather. We finish off our session with a fruit smoothie and chalk drawings in the driveway where they color me to resemble Gwyneth Paltrow so closely I wonder if we are related and I just don't know it.
Unglamorous - I gather my crew to go to the YMCA because they offer 2 hours of free childcare and I plan to use 1 hour and 59 minutes of said childcare. It takes 39 minutes to exit the house and it is 98 degrees with 100% humidity in Florida. I haven't washed my hair in 4 days but despite it's greasiness the humidity has caused my hair to rise enough to resemble a chia pet.
12:53 p.m.
Glamorous - My children all begin to yawn and request to go to sleep, and then after admitting that I'm really busy, suggest that they might as well put themselves to sleep. Then there is a 3 hour Beverly Hills Housewives marathon which I keep on for background noise while I work tirelessly on my new invention, cookie dough that burns calories while you eat it.
Unglamorous - Even though I'm edging on nap time I decide to run into the grocery store. My 6 month old has a blow out diaper in the bjorn in the bakery section and poop begins to drip everywhere. My 2 year old screams loudly EWWW EWWWW and backs away from us like he has never met us and has someone else to go home with. I look around, panicked, at all the people dry heaving and I'm frozen. I have no idea what to do so I shrug, grab some salami and move on, with poop running down my Lululemon workout pants that cost $90 and curse the day I ever bought $90 workout pants.
(This actually happened today. Gems!)
1:47 p.m.
Glamorous - I decide to catch a quick snooze in the backyard where I simultaneously get the perfect sun bronzed tan without getting any age spots. I pour myself a large margarita because in fantasy world it's normal to have afternoon cocktails, not trashy like pouring wine in a solo cup (which I've never done, nope not ever).
Unglamorous - I continue to negotiate with my 2 year old on him taking a nap like I'm dealing with a murderer, promising new toys and M&Ms in exchange for a 45 minute sleep period. I have lost all control in this situation so I go to nurse my 6 month old who is getting 5 new teeth so it's like feeding 9 piranhas. I begin to research Vasectomies on my Iphone.
4:17 p.m.
Glamorous - Since I was able to use the entire nap time to clean the house, bake a pie and pretty myself for my husband's return home from work I suggest to the kids to help me with dinner prep, which is roast chicken with really colorful vegetables that have fancy names and a chocolate mousse that doesn't have calories.
Unglamorous - Since I spent my whole nap time paying bills and calling the Sears Oven Repairman I set up toys in the bathroom so I can shower and watch my children destroy each other. They bang on the window of the shower and ask me what "mountains" (boobs) are and I wonder at what age I must assume I am scaring them for life and setting up weekly therapy sessions. During the 12 seconds I had to close my eyes to shampoo my hair my 2 year old has pulled out all my brushes and given my 6 month old a hairball to play with.
7:47 p.m.
Glamorous - Once my beautiful boys are peacefully sleeping I retreat to my buidore where I change into a silk nightie that highlights my perfectly rounded bottom from the 1,000 squats I do each morning as I brush my teeth. I await my adoring husband who I can see through the window chopping firewood in tight jeans and a see through white shirt.
Unglamorous - All children are in
9:01 p.m.
Glamorous - I apply all night creams and serums and peacefully drift off to a perfect 9 hour slumber. Who am I kidding I don't need night creams, I am stunning.
Unglamorous - I fall asleep while watching the Office with a tin Dove chocolate wrapper stuck to my cheek. I get approximately 45 minutes of sleep before I wake up with drool crusted to my cheek as my 6 month old screams out for the 8th nursing session of the day.
