Being a mom is hard and weird

Yesterday I begged someone to strip my membranes. How did I get here?

I am 38 weeks pregnant and I am on day 4 of the flu, which by the way is the 8th circle of hell and I am so sorry if I ever underestimated anyone with the flu. It is terrible. I don't get the flu shot because my son had a bizarre reaction to the flu shot at age 2 and had a really weird rash and we couldn't go to the gym, i.e. free day care for like 2 weeks. I'll never forget it, it scarred me for life. Also what can I say I like to gamble. Well the flu blows and the only way to make it worse is to mix in the fact that I am currently waddling around with a 6-7 pound bowling ball sitting on my bladder, I'm 40 pounds heavier than I am used to being, I can't down the medicine with a cold glass of chardonnay, and the list goes on. I wrote a blog about how pregnancy is hard and karma decided to do a roundabout kick in the nuts and slap me with the flu as payback. The very nice doctor in the urgent care asked me probably 62 times where I picked up the flu to which I finally yelled back "I have no idea I don't go anywhere!"

So. The last week or so of my life has been a wretched disaster and it ruined my plans to get my membranes stripped. We read things about how you should wait for the baby to be ready and all that junk and yes that's beautiful, whenever you're ready little nugget. Except your dad has to be recruiting Oklahoma and Texas on your due date and your grandma is coming for 2 weeks and I want to take full advantage, so I planned to have my membranes stripped at 38 weeks and they promised me they would. So I had it circled on my calendar like it was a trip to Tory Burch flagship store in New York City with champagne because it gave me hope. Maybe it was false hope and you'd be in there laughing hysterically clinging to my placenta for dear life saying not time yet lady, but any shred of hope at this stage in pregnancy is all we need to survive.

So when I go to the doctor and they tell me that I can't get my membranes stripped because I am 38 weeks pregnant with the flu, I think it's understandable that a tornado of hormones is unleashed upon the office at Good Samaritan hospital. I started to beg anyone who would listen to strip my membranes. I think I blacked out and asked a dad in the lobby if he knew how. I whispered to any nurse in the hallway who would listen if there are any shady doctors who would do it on the side. I'll meet them in an ally, I'll slip them cash. Is there a black market membrane stripping center, I shouted throughout the office. Then I reached a low. All hopped up on Tamiflu I stumbled to my car and actually googled "can I strip my own membranes." If I had had a coffee to drink while I read I probably would have educated myself and done it right there. Instead I realized the low point I was at, and did what any normal pregnant lady would do. Blasted Christian radio, sobbed and drove home with my fully intact vagina and membranes.

Here is what this situation taught me. This mom stuff makes us do some crazy things. Here I am. I am a mom, soon to be a mom of 3 kids. I look exactly like what you picture. I've got on black yoga pants and I didn't work out today. My sad boobs are stuffed inside a weird old bra from Forever21 that is at least a decade old but doesn't have underwire or buckles so it slides easily over my head. Which is a head of unwashed hair mixed with crows feet, bags under my eyes, and there might be food in my hair depending on the day and the mealtime. If you had told me when I was 23 at happy hour that in just 9 short years I would be weighing in the 160s googling things in my car like how to strip my own membranes, I wouldn't have believed you and laughed in your face. But you don't get here overnight. It's a slow long process that gets you to the crazy mom stuff. Here are some other fun things I do.

1) I make my kids a lot of really healthy foods then give in quickly and let them eat crap
I think we have all done it. Spent an hour long bath pinning recipes for quinoa raw hemp muffins only to get out, slave over them and spend $20 on the ingredients, then cave in 4 seconds when your kids writhe on the ground claiming it tastes like the tree they just licked. Have you ever heard of dinosaur chicken? It's from a brand called Tyson and it's probably slowly killing us. We go through 3 bags a week.

2) I do weird beauty treatments to make myself feel better
When you're a mom who has nothing to do all day but take care of her kids and look like a hot mess you begin to look to quick fixes that might make you feel better for a last minute date night to the movies. Every couple weeks I get fooled into thinking I need to be more tan so I apply these tanning wipes to my body only to be reminded quickly that they make me turn orange and make my husband cringe. I just want to look like I came back from a weekend at Coachella and instead you can see all the veins in my thighs. I am so pale you can actually see blood running through my body. Given the flabbiness of my current body it is not a good combination. Someone please come out with a tanning cream that doesn't make me look orange and can be applied by a 3 year old. Include tiny gloves. Thank you.

3) I order things online I don't need to give myself something to look forward to. Then I return them.
This one has been going on for years, and each year the guilt multiplies. It got the worst when I was nursing so I'm ready to gear up again for middle of the night weird orders when I'm all hopped on on nursing hormones. I remember one particular order, 24 dinosaur rings for my son, some nipple cream, a couple of offensive coozies for when I drink blue moon in the driveway with my children, and these house slippers that had mopping type stuff on the bottom that doubled as floor mopping when you walked around the house. I usually don't even remember ordering the items that I did mindlessly at 3 a.m. while somebody is suckling on my boob and I'm trying not to fall asleep on top of them, so when the items arrive it's like a weird version of Christmas with lots and lots of nipple cream.

4) I do unsanitary things left and right
Sanitary flew out the window the first time I pulled on those enormous mesh panties after having my first child. It really left the building when I had visitor after visitor in the hospital and couldn't get out of bed so I just sat there in the hospital bed in a pool of my own afterbirth smiling like an idiot. From that point on I've been wiping butts and noses and carrying on with my life. If I washed my hands after every booger I'd have raw skin and no the world would have no water. I don't carry hand sanitizer and I've seen my younger son touch about 210 of those womanly receptacles at Target. They don't even alarm me now, I just get upset when he drops a toy in one. Speaking of unsanitary I have taken not showering to a whole new level. I do a lot of baths and cheetah baths, which means taking a very hot wash cloth and washing just the important parts so your husband can make out with you without throwing up if you both actually stay up past 9. I have trained my hair to go a week without washing. It doesn't even get greasy anymore, it knows it won't be getting a washing for 7 more days and it just has to hold tight.

5) Weird things make me emotional
Last Friday my older son lost his first tooth. I had zero warning and found myself incredibly emotional all of a sudden. It's weird enough to think I'll have a kindergartner in just a few short months, now I've got a partially toothless, like real kid. I think the scariest part is I know he's old enough now to be in the stage where he will actually remember things and these memories could haunt him for life, so out the window goes all the naked around the house and the stakes have been lifted on making memories, ya know what I mean? He will like actually have these memories when he's 30. I used to make fun of the people who said that they were sad for milestones because I didn't understand it but I do now. There will never be another lost first tooth for Brooks, and that is just a stepping stone of his life that we have moved past. Now, there will still be a first tooth under the pillow for the tooth fairy because he swallowed it and I want to throw up just typing about it. He was naturally eating a 1 lb block of cheese before soccer practice and suddenly asked why there was blood in the huge chunk of cheese. Upon minor inspection we realized he had lost a tooth and the tooth was nowhere to be found, so he must have swallowed it, so then I cried and was grossed out all at the same time.

6) Weird things make me happy
When you're a mom the saddest and tinniest things are the threads on which you are surviving and the things that make you happy. Buying a candle at TJ maxx might make my week. This is sad. This is the truth. I like to put those weird good smelling pebbles in the wash so that when I am doing 10 loads on a Tuesday it at least smells good. Being alone in a car for 10 minutes and having a good cry is like a weeklong vacation. I have gotten a babysitter to sit in my own room and watch Fixer Upper before. Last week when I had a babysitter I fell asleep in the parking lot of a Home Goods while it was raining and it was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

*Disclaimer: even though I say things like my life is sad I am mostly kidding and trying to make a joke. I keep reproducing and I haven't left for Cuba yet, so I must be crazy about these monsters.

If you'll excuse me I have to get back to the typical duties of my day which include but are not limited to: wiping toddlers butts after they poop, cleaning broken fruit loops out of our leather couch that looks like it's been to war, and returning things I bought on Amazon when I was sad. Happy Mother's Day!

xo Big Mama

Pregnancy is hard

I am on my third pregnancy and I haven't liked barely one second of any of my pregnancies. How's that for a warm and fuzzy opener. Yes, this one followed a miscarriage, so not a day of it has gone by that I am not utterly completely THANKFUL that we were blessed with another pregnancy. I prayed for it like I've never prayed before, and I have appreciated it. However, that unfortunately doesn't take away from the part about it sucking. Utterly completely. I'm sorry. And then I'm a little sorry that maybe I'm not sorry. Pregnancy just plain isn't all that fun. I miss wine. I miss sleeping on my tum tum. I miss normal make out sessions. I miss human sized nipples. I miss being able to put shoes on without huffing out of breath like it's an olympic event. I miss taking a bath and my whole body being submerged. I miss clothes, really cute clothes. I miss beer. I don't like sushi but I miss it. I don't horseback ride but damn't maybe I want to. I want to ice skate, drinking a blue moon, smoking a pack of cigarettes, without a care in the world. Ok maybe I just wanna nap on my stomach and have a glass of red wine tonight but all the things seem to hurt the baby except sitting on my front porch and waiting on it to come out.

If you loved pregnancy, I both envy you and hate you. I'll slap you outright if you tell me to my face, and there's not much you can do, I'm pregnant. That's maybe the one good thing, you can get away with just about anything. I am pretty sure I could burn the house down and my husband would be so afraid to poke the hormonal bear he would just giggle nervously. Here are my top most hated things about growing this beautiful nugget.

The stretching of the skin
I am sitting here typing and can feel the baby moving. It's beautiful and weird and awesome. I can also literally feel my skin stretching. Literally, I can feel the left side of my belly creating and making a stretch mark. Yes I've seen those posts where the mom will take a selfie with her baby in an organic cotton sling drinking a smoothie out of a mason jar and say, oh these are the roads that built my kids and for that reason they're beautiful and I lay awake at night and count the stretch marks and my children's dreams BLAH BLAH BLAH. No. They're ugly and I want the stomach of a 16 year old Lacrosse player with a raging metabolism. Each night, I may forget to brush my kids teeth but you better be darn sure I coat myself in Bio Oil like I am about to slide down Mt. Everest and being slick is my only hope of survival.

The not horseback riding
Ok seriously I've been on a horse like 4 times in my life, so this isn't hindering me that much. But I do NOT like to be told not to do something, or that it's not a good idea. Unfortunately the way that I am wired, it just makes me want to do that one thing 10,000 times more. I actually like to look up the things that are suggested I don't do so I can get extra pissed about not doing them. We went to Disney World for the first time in my life while I was pregnant with my second son so I couldn't go on any roller coaster rides. I am still bitter. I just got to waddle around swollen looking for funnel cakes. Pregnancy fail.

The feeling of unattractiveness
Yes I do think it's insane and incredible that this body was able to make a baby, grow a baby, nourish a baby, and push out a baby. That is amazing. But it ain't pretty and I'm sorry I'm not going to be convinced. My boobs are so ginormous I don't even know what to do with them and if it didn't take so much effort I'd duct tape them down every morning. When the pregnancy is over they'll just turn into a bag of rocks that lay atop my body squirting milk in every direction. That is for about 11 months when I give up nursing and they turn into what can only be described as dropping a small orange into panty hose. I'll spend $57 on a bra from victoria secret, feel guilty about it, bend over and place them in the purple bra every day, and they'll look normal. I'll convince myself that my husband isn't a boob man and I'll cry about them once a month. Carry on. My nipples are a weird color and a weird shape and I don't know if they'll go back. That's a mystery only time will unlock. I'm leaking milk already, which is a funny, funny joke.. My belly button is flat and starting to look confused. The other day my 5 year old son told me it looked like a snoring panda. I don't know for sure but I don't think it was a compliment, because he snorted and walked out of the room. I can't see my lady parts but I'm pretty positive that's a good thing. I'm swollen, I'm waddling, and my butt is so big it enters the room 5 minutes after I do. I can actually feel my butt shaking like I'm on a cartoon. I think it has sound effects.

The comments
We went to the zoo on Monday and a lady came up to me and said confidently, "Woman, that baby is good and grown and probably has hobbies." While it made me laugh, pregnancy opens a window for everyone to comment on your body, your baby, your parenting style, and how you're carrying. I've been told I'm too big, I've been told I'm too small, I've been told everything under the sun, to which I have wanted to shout every time, shut your face and get me a cookie. Unless you're going up to someone pregnant to tell them "You are an incredible miracle unicorn who I cannot believe is surviving this insanity can I give you a foot rub and a million dollars," Shut your pie hole and move on.

Sorry if this offended you. I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant, my husband is on the road recruiting football players, and I need a hug.
Signed, bitter pregnant lady about to eat some waffles.