I have typically not been a big New Year's Resolutions person in my past, mostly because it's just hard to become even more perfect. Baaaahahaha! This year, however, there seems to be a lot I could work on. Here are a few things I've been noting as "things to improve on/work on/do."
*Do not assume you will fit into all clothes at Forever21.
Ok fine. Do not assume you will fit into ANY clothes at Forever21. This ship has sailed, sister. She sailed away with pregnancy #2 and she ain't comin' back. Sure, you can go in. Go ahead, you won't feel badly about yourself for 2 weeks, no not at all. This is a good decision. I love that they have some fun trendy items that are priced at $2.99 but the risk to my self esteem just may not be worth it. In addition, the last time I was in this store I heard two girls talking to each other and one actually said LOL. I thought this was supposed to be a typed phrase only? For any readers who don't know, this means "laughing out loud," and it's a widely overused phrase by everyone including myself.
Example: "I had to lay down to put my jeans on today! It was like a circus me trying to pull those bad boys on! LOL!" Obviously, I am not laughing out loud when I say this. But it makes me seem cooler, and funnier, if I put it.
It also works in slightly awkward situations.
Example: "I may or may not have made out with Arnie last night. Pretty sure he's like 42. LOL."
See in this example girl is embarrassed she made out with Arnie. But by adding LOL, it makes the situation funny, and it makes it ok.
These are examples of using LOL in a typed manner. However, I'm pretty positive it was never intended to be said aloud. Are these girls really so pressed for time that they don't have the extra 2.7 seconds to say "that made me laugh out loud, Tiffany!" They must abbreviate and say LOL? Maybe they got confused because they were drinking 38 oz red bulls out of a straw. Did you know they make enormous cans of red bull now? I used to drink the stuff once in awhile in college and grad school but haven't had it since because it makes me think of Red Bull Vodkas during a time when I went out and was actively stalking my husband in an attempt to get him to date me. But that's for another blog, another time. Back then I'm pretty sure the servings were 6 oz and you can now get them in super size cans. This cannot be healthy. And I cannot keep up with the over caffeinated, teeny tiny, too busy to say laugh out loud tweens in this store. Must move on to Ann Taylor Loft and be ok with things.
*Regain bladder control.
After shooting 2 lovely young men out the yina banina things are....well they're just not as high and tight as they once were. If this blog is one thing it's gonna be honest and real and this is the honest truth. It's bizarre enough to think that I can squat out 2 watermelons in 24 months and think I'm gonna spring back to my 19 year old self. This may or may not include enlisting doctor's help. Full vaginal rejuvenation with just a small down payment?! Don't mind if I do! These commercials are on 96.5 every.single.day. I've been living in Miami too long. Back to reality: do kegals. Do kegals running. Do kegals lying down. Do kegals driving. Do kegals eating cookie dough. Stop eating cookie dough.
*Stop sitting on public restroom seats with pee on them.
Once this goal has been accomplished, begin new goal of stop sitting on public restroom seats altogether. I seem to always get the pee seat. Is there anything worse? What ladies are peeing so willy nilly everywhere? Are people dancing to Justin Bieber songs while peeing? If you are doing the squat and pee while you text and balance your diet coke and purse and this is why you have left pee all over your seat, you are doing me a disservice. I rush in there with no bladder control trying my best to make it to the potty and I all I can think is, don't pee your pants, don't pee your pants. It's a miracle I made it to this place, I don't need your pee seat to ruin my glory of not peeing my pants.
*Stop staring.
Whether it's the awkward massage centers in the middle of the mall or the girl doing the weird yoga stretch in the corner at the YMCA, I have really got to stop staring. Usually I'm around 15 seconds in on an awkward daze before I realize the person I'm staring at has grabbed their phone and are calling the police. I don't know why I do it and therefore it's probably going to be harder to stop. Just know that if I'm out and about and I am staring you down like I'm trying to figure out the meaning of a very important impressionist painting, I'm sorry, and I'm working on it.
*Improve hygienic skills.
This one will be tough. Often times the only way I'm able to shower is to set up an elaborate toy display in my bathroom for my toddler to entertain him in front of me so he doesn't burn the house down and also simultaneously breast feed by 11 week old into such a coma that he will for sure sleep through my shower. This isn't easy and usually by the time I have accomplished these two things I am so tired I have fallen asleep on the bed. The problem is, there's no doubt you've gone to a bad place when you actually decide to do your hair and swipe on some lip gloss and the regulars you see at the YMCA ask you if you have a big event that day. Oh my. Nope, just showered. And I know my hair looks fabulous today, you're welcome.
I'm sure I will come up with a few more improvements to work on in the next few weeks, but with 2013 already in February, this should keep me busy for awhile.
