For the Love of the Game

I have often thought of doing a post on what it's like to grow up in this crazy life of football....the only thing that has kept me hesitant from writing about my experiences is that I don't know where to begin, or where it would ever end. I feel like I have been so engrossed in this crazy life in so many different ways that I could write a novel on the experiences I have had, if anyone would ever read it (snoooooze).

In the past few months there have been a lot of articles about a certain football player named Johnny Manziel, the quarterback at Texas A&M. He has at times done things to bring attention to himself in a negative manner in the past few months. Because he won the Heisman Trophy after his unbelievable freshman year, he was thrust into the limelight, and what happened is what would probably happen for about 95% of all regular college guys - he made mistakes, and the world got to watch, and judge. He just didn't have the luxury to go through this new fish bowl life without facebook, ESPN stories, and twitter. I am not going to write an "I feel sorry for Johnny Manziel" article, mostly because I think my husband would kill me for writing a blog on him at all. I honestly don't know what you will think about this blog Zac, but I hope you will understand that I need to write it.

Most of my blogs have a purpose, all selfish. I recently wrote about my beautiful sister Kathryn who has down syndrome, and the lessons she has taught me. I want to think of Kathryn and smile and remember those things that she has taught me. I don't really know what the purpose of this blog is except to be therapy for me. So here I go. I am going to write a little ditty about what I think that about the current game of football, and maybe what we can all learn from it.

With the start of the NFL regular season last weekend I am brought back. I feel the all too familiar knots in my stomach and I will spend every Sunday (or in this season's case, 2 Mondays and a Thursday night too) feeling like I will puke at any second watching what is just a game, but for my family, so much more.

I have never known what it is like to watch football as a fan. I truly cannot imagine showing up to a football game and just enjoying it, stress free. I have watched this crazy game as a daughter who loves her dad more than anything in the world. And I have watched my dad endure both some of the coolest moments and hardest disappointments. I have watched as a girlfriend crazily in love with the man on the field getting sacked. I have stood next to him while he gets told by a trainer after the game to not go to sleep for a few hours because he has endured a concussion. And now, I watch as a loving wife of a coach knowing my family is depending on my husband's paycheck and job.

I met my husband at the University of Nebraska, where he was, in my opinion, the greatest Quarterback to ever play the game. Yes, I think that highly of my husband :) God matched me with the most amazing man, and I think he's pretty perfect. When we began to date, I was so in love with him, his humble demeanor, his his sense of humor, the way he hugged me and I felt like everything was going to be ok, it didn't occur to me that he could ever be a football coach. I had grown up as the daughter of a football coach, and honestly, it's probably best I didn't see it coming, because I'm not sure I could have willingly signed up to be the wife of a football coach.

The spectrum of social media has vastly changed football. It has changed game day, coaching preparations, recruiting, pretty much everything. It has changed the way we watch it, it has changed what it means to be a fan. It has changed what it means to be a player and a coach. Now that every single player's move is being accounted for, on the field and off the field, we all have this opportunity to sit on our couches and judge. Sure, we did this before, but we were just judging the game. We weren't judging their personal lives, or the comment they made after the game in anger. The comment that can now be played out on YouTube over, and over, and over again. I made so many mistakes in college. I am lucky that I was so old that Facebook was just emerging at the end of college for me. I can't imagine all the mistakes I made compounded with social media.

I have always loved football. I can't remember a moment that football wasn't king in my house. My dad has been a football coach for my whole life. We have moved all over the country following his successes and cheering him on. He is the most hard working, classy individual I have ever known. And he has instilled in me a great, passionate love for this game. However, in the last 18 months a little piece of my heart was torn out that I don't think is ever going to be replaced. I don't think I'm ever going to see this game the same. When my dad was released from Texas A&M University after pouring his entire heart, soul and being into the job, the University, and the men on the team that he hand picked, I crumbled. I questioned my God. I questioned everything about this world, the only world I've known. I didn't understand why someone who had worked so hard for a program and brought it to the brink of insane success wasn't allowed to see that success through.

And you truly, truly cannot imagine the sting that I feel watching that happening. I know that other people have endured pain, and heartache. But it's just so hard what it's like to explain how it feels to have all these life events play out on such a public scale. I don't have hate that I had in my younger years, and I'm thankful to God for that, because I know he has given me the strength to move past that. My dad was let go from the Green Bay Packers when I was 23, and this time around is very different. I had a lot of hate then, but things are different now. I'm not sure that I'm older and wiser, I think I just know that the hate isn't going to get me anywhere. But I'm sad. Beyond sad. My heart aches for my dad. I worked in recruiting with him for 3 years and I have never in my life been around an individual that cared more about turning a program around and bringing it back to an amazing place.

Texas A&M University is an easy place to love. It has unbelievable traditions, it's old-school fun, with some of the classiest people in the world. I love College Station. If I even think of our precious house that my husband and I built and brought my first baby home in, I begin to tear up. I became a wife in College Station. I became a mom. And I became the proudest daughter you could ever imagine watching my dad bring back the Aggies.

I'm not naive. My dad didn't have an undefeated record while he was there. And even though he's my dad and I think he's the most amazing man, I know he is not perfect. But he brought in the unbelievable talent that is the reason they are currently winning. He is an offensive line genius, if you didn't know. That offensive line protected the Heisman Trophy winner last year. And yes. He recruited and secured Johnny Manziel. I am just a little upset that my daddy doesn't get to share in the credit. I want to say again that I am not naive or stupid, and I know he wasn't the coach last year when the Aggies soared. But he brought them there. And if you are a true Aggie, then you know that. And you appreciate him for it.

This all that I want for people, for the fans, for those that don't know the ins and outs of this life to know - that when I would have loved to see my dad for dinner, he was in the office pouring over high school football tape, making sure he hand-picked not just the best players athletically, but the ones who would uphold all the ethics that represent Texas A&M University too. When I would have loved for my dad to be laying on the floor playing with my son, he was on a recruiting call, convincing countless players that yes, they had made the right decision - they were the perfect fit for Texas A&M University and it was the perfect fit for them.

You see coaches kids pay a price. I didn't get to see my dad every day growing up. Not even close. He missed a lot of hugs for boo boos, high school athletic events, bedtime prayers. But I have never doubted for one second that he loved me more than anything in the world and that he was doing the right thing. He has had such an amazing effect on everyone, and everything, he has touched, I can see now that I needed to share him. But that doesn't make it fair.

When my dad was released from the Green Bay Packers, being extremely close at the time, I went to the office with him in the middle of the night and helped him pack up his office. He was broken. I could see it everywhere on his face that he hurt and that he wanted things to be different. I can't imagine he wasn't mad, but he didn't show madness. I walked around the facility with him as he went around to each and every custodian, parking attendant, and janitor, whom he knew by name, and tipped them, and thanked them personally for all their hard work. I watched him soak up the building, every corner he turned at midnight, the office he had spent so many hours in, the office he was in, game planning, when he missed my cross country meets. And it was the first time in my life, didn't know how to help my dad. I remember that moment and it makes my heart hurt when I think about it.

I'm not suggesting that you feel sorry for me or for the people that I love who have been hurt. I am just offering this view in hopes that, even if just for a second, when you are disappointed by a play, a player, or a coach's decision, that you remember, they are just people too. Coaches have long nights with their babies who won't sleep and wake up at 5 a.m. the next day to put in an 18 hour work day to try to out play the other team. Players have girlfriends that they get in fights with and spend the night working things out. And they wake up and step out on a football field, waiting to be judged. Waiting to be judged by everyone. They want you, the fan, to scream as loud as you can and leave that game happy. They want that rush that comes after a win. Trust me, they want it more than you. We all want success. But these people are doing it on such a public forum, they don't get afforded the luxury to "mess up" and make it better. They will be fired or cut by then.

So watch the games this weekend and cheer loud for the good reasons. Cheer for the freshman who is making his debut today and will catch his first college football pass. This will be a day he will remember forever. When you find yourself questioning the call, remember that you chose to have that breakfast burrito before your 6 tailgate beers, and that wasn't the best decision was it? We all make mistakes.

This is a wonderful, amazing game. I feel so blessed to have been able to have the view I've had. I thank God every day that I married a man that is as classy and hard working as my husband, and I'm glad I'll get to carry on this life as a wife, too. I hope I can support him and pick him up when he's down. I hope in 45 years, that he has more wins than losses. And I pray every day for you daddy. I pray that you know how much I think of you, as a football coach, as a man, and as a follower of Jesus. You are undefeated in my book. Love, Sarah

Dear Mom

There is so much nobody tells you about before you become a mom. It's probably smart, because I'm pretty sure nobody would ever do it, purposely anyway. Sure there's the grumpy frazzled lady who tells you, "you have no idea how tired you will be!" but you smile empathetically at her and just know you will be different. You envision yourself looking like a goddess at 3 a.m. rocking your baby gently back to sleep. You have no idea that you will have crust in your eyes, your face and teeth won't have have been washed in days and you will actually be crying. But it's ok because we are all in this together.

So I decided I think it would be a good idea if there was actually a pamphlet they gave out at the hospital to new moms along with all the breastfeeding suggestions and SIDs warnings. I would title it something like "You are entering the craziest time in your life that will at times be a nightmare but it's also beautiful. Buckle up, sweetheart." I never claimed to be good at pamphlet titles.

1. Not even that new kickboxing pilates class and a gluten free diet is going to bring back your college body. She's gone. Move on.
I gained a LOT of weight with both of my pregnancies. With hard work and determination I lost the weight both times. However, it took me a very long time with each postpartum period, and things do not look the exact same. This second time around I am a bit more at peace with that.

There is a woman at the Y with a body I totally envy. I admit, I kind of stalk her and may or may not sometimes follow her around following her routine. I am pretty sure she has some kind of restraining order on me. I think it's hard not to covet other people's things when you're a mom, whether it's her hot new purse, her perkier butt, or the fact that she has on eye makeup at the Y and you haven't even brushed your hair in 3 weeks. I think being a mom is a lot about coming to peace with what you have. My boobs look like someone dropped an aging clementine in old panty hose. But these old knockers gave 2 growing boys nourishment for 19 total months. My stomach has stretch marks I didn't plan on. But that stomach housed the 2 best things that have ever happened to me. I have permanent bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep I have gotten in the last 3 years. But I have two beautiful children who love me. Coming to peace with the mom body is hard. There have been days I have felt like giving up and have drowned my sorrows in trader joe's cookie butter. But I would like to think those are behind me, and if God has any more sweet babies for me, that I will come to peace with my battle scars. I also pray a little bit that they create an outpatient boob lift.

2. You will be so tired your face will feel like it's going to fall off.
This isn't 60 hour workweek tired. It's a new level of tired. Like, you probably shouldn't operate heavy machinery tired. You know that feeling when you take NyQuil and it's just starting to set in and make your face feel sorta like you could peel it off? Oh good you know then. That's how you're going to feel. Forever. Coffee does help but it just sort of masks the effect, so your face will still feel like it's going to fall off but your legs will keep moving and your arms will keep folding laundry. This brings on the effect that you are outside of your body watching your day go on. And this is what it's like to be a mom.

3. There will be days you love being a mom so much you will feel it was your destiny and calling. There will be days you feel like spending your grocery money on a one-way ticket to Ibiza. Both normal. Both ok.
I spent last Saturday in the ER because I haven't felt like myself since a recent bout of food poisoning. The male nurse was asking me questions while he was trying to put the IV in and asked me what I do. I told him I was a stay-at-home mom. He looked at me increduously and said, "You don't do anything else?" In this day and age of the do-it-all woman, it's almost shameful if you are not also juggling a full-time job, president position at the PTA, a side business where you dress animals like people and take their pictures, and also make the best pumpkin pie at the county fair. Yes, I told him, all I do is raise my children. All my day is focused on making sure they are happy, and fed, and have kind hearts that want to follow Jesus. I actually got really mad afterwards, that someone could make me feel small for just being a mom. It is hard work, and even though I went to grad school and loved working, I really, really, really wanted to be a mom. And just being a mom is OK. In fact it's wonderful. If you are a mom who does one million things and that makes you happy, then that is so wonderful. If you're a mom who is just a mom and that makes you happy, then that's really wonderful too. I just want to stop with all the competing. I don't scrapbook my children's every breath. I don't make homemade baby food. I just nursed 9 months. I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN.  I do rock them to sleep most nights. I do tell them how much I love them all day long. I do take care of a husband too. And I do consider it my responsibility to look after his heart, too. I'm just me. And that's ok.

This morning my 2 year old pooped all over our white slipcover couch. My 9 month old threw up all over our oriental rug about 90 seconds after that because he was eating an apple of the 2 year old's that I didn't notice because I was cleaning up said poop. These kind of mornings definitely err more on the one-way flight to Ibiza side. I always, always think, how in the world would I bring more children into this hot mess? But I'm sure we would have mornings like this, and I'm sure there would be really good mornings too.

4. You will have constant Mom guilt. Nothing is just yours anymore.
Ahh. The mom guilt. Once you lay eyes on that baby, everything about what you do and feel will change. If you finally get a break and get to run to the grocery alone, you will feel guilty the baby had to take a bottle not from you. If your husband takes over night duty for one night, you will feel terrible they didn't get to gaze into your eyes. You feel totally responsible for these little people and their happiness and well being. It's a lot of pressure. I could be wrong but I think that women handle this differently than men. Of course my husband loves our kids and worries about them during the day and if they are happy and healthy. But women just carry this burden so much heavier, it seems to me. I suppose it goes along with how I love them, so much it almost makes my heart heavy. Being a mom is a lot of emotional work! But the rewards are so wonderful you can't even really touch on them. When your child does something that you are proud of, there is really no better feeling in the entire world. The emotional journey to get there just may kill me though.

5. You're doing a good job, momma.
Last but not least. Challenge for today. If you are a woman, while you are out today, try to encourage a mom. We all need it. Find a mom. Doesn't matter if she looks frazzled or on top of the world. Deep down, we are all doubting ourselves. Am I doing this right, will my children need intense therapy, will they grow up to be kind people.....look her straight in the eyes and say, wow, your kids are beautiful. You are doing a great job! And watch her walk away with an extra bounce in your step. Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself with a dove chocolate. And if you're already a mom, you are doing a really good job :)