Wooden Teeth

I absolutely love coffee and make a huge effort not to get a Starbucks every single day. I know it's such a waste of money but I love it! So Brooks and I typically go to the local Starbucks inside Kroger about twice a week. We know everyone in there and we get to say hi to all our friends.

I went at 8 a.m. yesterday, which I know is prime time, as everyone headed to work is grabbing their caffeine fix. I wasn't thinking until we went in and noticed the long line. I was ahead of a cute little old lady who was sweet and friendly to Brooks. We got talking and she got on a little rant about how babies don't brush their teeth enough. Um... seriously? There's famine and war in this world and we haven't figured out how to get rid of cellulite, and this is what's keeping this woman up at night. Babies brushing their teeth. Babies with teeth that are going to fall out of their heads, not brushing them.

Well, I admit, Brooks is 1 year and about 2 months, and I hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Between all the moving and keeping up with life I guess I missed the boat on that one. I think you're "supposed" to start on this at about age 1. So I guess I'll be getting baby toothbrushes and baby toothpaste the next time I go to the store. Notice I'm not making a special trip.

What this does for me however is just begin what I know will be a lifetime worry about his teeth. You see, I have the teeth of an old English woman. I have often asked (friends mostly) why we can't just have wooden teeth. If we all had wooden teeth and didn't wax, well then we would just be wooden teethed hairy people and it would be fine. But since everyone is hair free and now getting dental repair like it's a Gap purchase, well I'm lagging behind in the looks department. The husband might soon begin to wonder. It's a good thing I bake.

Teeth are just like anything else- hair and skin tone- passed on from your family history. My mom has told me before, I'm sorry but we are just a "bad teeth" family. If you know my family this is a classic line. We like going to the dollar store, giving each other a hard time, and altogether being white trash. It would make sense my family and I have bad teeth. But, this is a heartbreaking story and not one I look forward to telling my little Brooks. When I break this to him I suppose I'll leave out that I didn't start brushing his baby teeth on time.

Growing up, I had pretty straight teeth, and for a little while thought I might have even bypassed the whole "family of bad teeth" thing. I figured they were straight enough for me to even miss out on braces. Boy was I wrong! Apparently, I had an overbite that would eventually lead to pain and basically a lifetime of unhappiness. I think I remember the orthodontist telling my mom something about how overbites eventually give people back problems. Balogne in my opinion but the braces went on. I'd love to know what would have happened had we let that overbite just remain. So I got the braces, the horrible mouth of metal that is so common in 6th grade. I remember laying in beg, with my head gear on of course, reading the letter about staying away from popcorn, gum, and anything sticky and fun. I guess this year's halloween is a wash, I thought. It took a long time to get used to getting all the food out of my  braces before engaging in conversation. While getting used to the new hardware, I remember cringing in embarrasement when I realized in the middle school bathroom I'd had half a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich stuck in my front braces the whole time I talked to my 6th grade crush, Jimmy, at lunch. It's a right of passage as a teenager, and I had them for 3 1/2 years. When they were removed, I figured that I'd have a happy future with my now perfect bite.

Boy was I wrong.

I'd had a rollerblading accident years back. My best friend Bethany and I were racing down the huge hill in Emerald Forest to make it back to her house to watch 90210. My parents wouldn't let me watch it so we had to watch it at her house. I also wasn't allowed to watch Roseanne, which of course made me want to watch it more. I didn't get half of what they were talking about but I knew it was cool and I did like Dillion on 90210. Well I'm no olympic speed skater and I took a long hard fall about halfway down the hill. there went half my front tooth, my perfectly straight, perfect bite, half tooth. A huge split lip and half a tooth less, we skated home like idiots. I knew Karbear (my mom) was not going to be pleased. We had a dentist neighbor who came in specially to fix the issue, since it was the evening and they weren't typically open. I got a stitch in my lip, and they put whatever it is they put on the other half of your tooth to make you not look like a hillbilly.

That lasted for quite awhile, but after some time, the tooth would turn half yellow, as half my tooth was real, and had nerve endings etc, and the other half was fake. Wow that sentence made me realize I am really white trash. So before I got married around the age of 24, my mom and I were discussing how it is frusterating how it yellows sometimes and has never looked perfect, and she says she and my dad will pay for me to get 2 veneers on the front 2 teeth so that they look perfect.

I was excited because I wanted to look wonderful on my wedding day. However, I did not realize what veneers entailed. Did you know that for veneers they shave your entire tooth down to be the base, and put the new tooth on top? That's right, your tooth is like 1/10 of it's original size, and just hanging out there for a little bit. Do you know what's like to lay there and let someone SHAVE down your tooth?!  It is a very freaky feeling! Then they take a picture of before, and one of them is just you with your shaved teeth. So ya that picture exists somewhere, I'm sure they take those just to bring to their dentist parties and laugh hysterically at while they drink champagne.

This brings me to my greatest fear in life. The dentist. I'm sorry if you're a dentist, or married to a dentist, or really like dentists. They're wonderful people and I'm glad they exist. But I hate it. I hate being there. I hate the gross teal plastic chair. I hate the smell of grinding teeth. I had the "flavor options" they give you. Um. Hi this doesn't taste anything at all like bubble gum. Can I take it back and switch to cotton candy? Oh that flavor tastes like metal. Jeesh.

I hate how the waiting room smells like bleach. I hate how the waiting room only has magazines like Field and Stream. I'm trying so hard not to run screaming out of there, I need a better distraction than different species of bass fish. I hate how at the end of the appointment they always offer you a basket of free toothbrushes like they're gold. Um, you must not be able to tell because of my shaved down teeth but I don't need free toothbrushes THAT bad. I hate how flossing is always a sore subject. Um Sarah I'm noticing when we floss your gums bleed. This tells me that you are a disgusting person who never flosses, you have really got to floss. Nevermind that Sally the assistant is flossing so hard it's like she's trying to remove my molars by flossing.

I hate how the dental assistant always talks to you while they are doing stuff, asking personal questions and you're trying to answer while someone is digging a metal prick in your mouth. You mumble something in what sounds like Spanish and she nods like she understood you. She didn't understand. i was asking to escape. Because of this hatred, I avoid the dentist. Because I avoid the dentist, it is bad when I go there, and I have a cavity. It's a viscious cycle.

There is one experience with my veneers that still makes me laugh. I was at work, biting into a yummy popsicle, and one of my veneers broke. These things are like a lifetime warranty kind of thing, so I was mortified and also mostly just mad I would definitely have to go to the dentist. Since I was at work, I was forced to go into my bosses office with half my front tooth missing and ask him if I could be excused to go get the rest of my tooth put on. My boss at the time who is amazing and couldn't be nicer was so grossed out he couldn't even look at me, and shooed me off to go get it fixed!

I guess the lesson in this one is probably something like taking good care of one's teeth, and scheduling regular visits to the dentist. I just want to talk to someone about those toothpaste flavors.