Truths To Know Before Getting Pregnant

Awhile back I wrote a post about the "Truths To Know Before Having a Baby." Here it is in case you missed it:
http://bigmamataylor.blogspot.com/2012/06/truths-to-read-before-having-baby.html
Since then I have realized, there is also quite a bit you should know before the thing even comes out - there are some truths, some things that nobody likes to talk about, that everyone should know before getting all knocked up.

There will be a lot of times you will out eat your husband
I'm not going to lie to you, this actually happens to me a lot, not even pregnant, but it always seems a little more embarassing when you've already packed on 30 lbs and still want to order the "Hungry Man's Special" at Ihop. Doesn't help when the Husband is going for the egg white omelet. Just bow your head and plow forward, you're starving and your baby might be growing a liver or something today. In fact, it helps if you have that article from babycenter.com cued up on your phone to show your husband or the waiter if you get shy about the order. Just thrust the article about how today they form all necessary limbs into their face and tell them to bring you the largest stack of pancakes that can physically fit on to the plate before you start yelling things.

You will fart....all the time
Oh man, I'm sorry to drop this bomb on you. But it's true. Babycenter explains here.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_gas-and-bloating-during-pregnancy_247.bc
In the above article, BabyCenter explains that even the average person passes gas about 14-23 times a day. Well I'm not a dainty lady or anything but that seems a bit extreme to me. Maybe I'm doing a lot of this in my sleep. Either way, when you are pregnant, expect whatever your typical to be ATYPICAL. It's gonna get ugly before it gets pretty. Be most careful of the in-bed, under a huge down comforter gas explosions. These are not regular little toots. These are the toots of a woman making a baby. There is so much stuff going on inside that abdomen, and it can result in hurricane levels of gases on the outside. Have you made your husband read this part? If he does, he probably doesn't want to make out tonight. Sorry.

You will waddle...yes even you
I love the people that set out thinking that they will be the "cute pregnant ones." Ya I was one of them many moons ago. Let me tell you a nasty secret: There's no such thing. I know. I just dropped a no-Santa Clause bomb on you, I'm sorry. But you can't tell me that even Heidi Klum didn't waddle at the end of that pregnancy. Have you ever noticed that celebrities always strut their model stuff around Hollywood until about 5-6 months and then mysteriously disappear for the last 4-5 months? That's because EVERYONE gets fat. We all have that little waddle at the end. Oh you're cute at 5 months pregnant? I'll give you a medal. NOT. Your baby is still not even a pound! Come back to me in 3 months. You will be waddling up to me, farting with every other step, demanding pancakes. I'd love to see my husband stick a 30 lb bowling ball up his shirt, resting it mostly on his bladder and pelvic region, have his feet swell up to the size of large turkey legs, and see if he doesn't start to walk with a little squat. This is a beautiful miracle this making a baby thing. I do not look beautiful doing it.

People will drive you insane with their comments
Things I have been told by complete strangers:
"Wow you are going to have a huge baby!" (And you have a huge nose, I'm not judging.)
"Oh my, did you think about having your two kids so close?" (No I never think, it kinda hurts my brain, I just procreate.)
"There is no way you will make it to your due date." (Wow you are one of those uplifting people huh?)
"Oh I couldn't tell you were pregnant from behind and then you turned around and I was like oh dang!" (Stop being creepy, go home.)
"Do you worry about the coffee you're drinking?" (first-I have one cup a day, bite me-second-no but you should worry that I'm going to head butt you very soon.)

Most of your body is going to itch, all the time, and it will take every shred of your self control not to strip down and itch your entire body in the grocery store.
Listen, your entire outer layer is stretching out to get bigger and bigger. Did you know snakes shed their outer layer like every other day or something? I would give anything to shed my whole outside of my body. The skin, stretching and stretching to it's maximum fat capacity? This just itches, apparently. Ohhhh you bought expensive cocoa butter lotion? Ya not gonna help. Go ahead, lube up, put it all over, and climb into bed all sticky. You still itch, dontcha!?

Sorry. But you are probably going to poop during labor. Nurses should make more money.
DONE!