Live Tweeting My Labor

Oh man, it's been so long since I wrote a blog and I know I need to get back on the saddle because it stimulates my mind and gives me something to do besides change diapers and research natural birth videos, but we just haven't had a whole lot going on for me to write about. The last 3 months of pregnancy is like the last 3 months of senior year of college. It's been a wild ride but you're over it, you've gotten a little bit fat, you have no idea what you're going to do after graduation (labor) but you can't wait to get the heck on with it. You don't remember what it feels like to have a flat stomach and eating taco bell and cookie dough at midnight is pretty much the norm.

Well I am ready for graduation/labor/baby time. I have one little nugget already so I am fully aware that the next 3 months (18 years....) are full of sleepless nights, leaking boobs, bed wetting, and tantrums, but there just comes a time when it's not fun to be enormous and out of breath anymore. This really is like college....

Since the only thing on my mind lately is labor, labor, labor I thought I would paint a picture of what I predict the fateful event will be like with my second child. I have been through this once, so I have a small hunch, though I know every labor can be drastically different. On one of our favorite shows the other night, a character was "Live Tweeting" the events of her whole night. This is what I imagine my live tweeting of my labor would go like.....

4:00 p.m.
Sweet Baby Jesus. How is it only 4 p.m. I feel like it's been eight days since we got up this morning. What time does it get dark again? Brooks knows when it's dark it's bedtime. Can I pay someone to make the neighborhood dark? Who would I contact for this?

4:10 p.m.
What should I serve my 23 month old for dinner? Let me look at those Pringles ingredients again. If the first ingredient is potatoes that's what we are having. Will turkey make him tired like that one Seinfeld episode?

5:00 p.m.
Trying to recount the germs encountered today for the bath-or-no-bath debate. Is it too chilly to hose him down in the backyard? He likes that. I think. I'm pretty sure someone told me once that germs are good and we need them to build our immunity. We should probably skip the bath.

6:15 p.m.
Why is it not dark yet? I think it's actually getting lighter out. Sweet Moses make it dark. I feel like there's a bowling ball sitting on top of my lady parts and if Brooks asks me to get up to get him one more thing I might walk out of the house for ice cream and not come back.

6:45 p.m.
Thank the sweet Lord. We can start to retreat to his bedroom for night routine. Why does he seem so sweet now? He looks like such a little man in his pajamas. Poor thing. His world is going to be turned upside down. What were we thinking. I can't handle two people. I can barely get myself to shower twice a week. This was a mistake.

6:57 p.m.
Oh he can count to 4 now. He's not even two years old yet. Maybe I can do this. Why can't they just be born at the age of 1? The first 6 months is so long. I wonder what kind of wine I'll have first.

7:03
Throw Brooks in bed and feel a contraction. Did I just pull a belly ligament or is this the beginning of the end?

9:15 p.m.
Oh....that one hurt. Maybe this is it! Ugh I have to shave. I knew I should have made that wax appointment for earlier. Should I do my hair? I guess I can make all the pictures I'm in fuzzy on instagram. I wonder how hard it would be to crop in my head from junior year of college. I looked good then.

9:27 p.m.
Oooh. Third one in 12 minutes! I wish I really knew if this was it. I would finish the tub of cookie dough in the fridge. This could be my final hours of zero guilt. I can't waste this precious time. Once I get home I'm just a fat slob if I finish the tub of cookie dough. Right now it's kind of cute and expected. But I have to get up to get it....

10:11 p.m.
Leaning on bathroom sink, water breaks. Oh awesome, these are my favorite sweatpants. Now every time I wear these all I will be able to think is they had amniotic fluid on them. Do I throw them in the wash now? Is there time? What's going on with the baby now, was he swimming before and now he's just drying up in there? How long do I have? Is this too painful to enjoy that cookie dough?

11:35 p.m.
En route to hospital. I hate men with a passion. Why are they so dumb. Who decided having babies was just a woman thing? This is ridiculous. Could he be driving any more dumb? Too slow. Took that turn too fast. What could I do to make him hurt? Would punching him in the man junk be too obvious? I want to see him in pain. Why does he look so smirk. I forgot to eat that cookie dough. Biggest regret of my life.

11:43 p.m.
Walk in hospital. Another idiot of the male species encountered. "Checking in?" Oh no my husband and I just have this fun game where on Tuesdays we go around to different area hospitals pretending to be in labor to rate the service. YES checking in, get out of my way you moron! Husband yawns, urgency to punch him increases. Sorry for going into labor in the middle of the night. How uncourteous of me.

12:03 a.m.
Learn doctor on call is weird one from Romania I can't understand. Fabulous. Let's get this show on the road. I'm checked and dilated to an 8. Must change into ugliest and weirdest robe ever. This "cotton" feels like it's made out of a blend of sand paper and twigs. Husband ties the back for me and makes inappropriate joke about my visible butt. Obviously not hilarious. I glare at him and he looks scared. Satisfied. Suddenly feel as if I must squat and poo. Nurses ask me if several students in training can watch birth. Sure why not. While we're at it let's gather up the bored patients too.

12:30 a.m.
This is the most uncomfortable hospital bed on the planet. The angle this is at could not possibly be any worse. Can't get comfortable with 1,000 monitors all over body. What do squiggly lines on the computer mean? Why does the heartbeat keep jumping up and down? Or is that my heartbeat? How big is this suckers head gonna be? I should have eaten that cookie dough.

2:43 a.m.
Time to push. Hold your own legs they tell me. This is crap. In the movies they have someone hold them for you. It's like I have to do everything around here. Everyone in the room is annoying. They're all counting. Um I just need one counter you idiots. In fact, I can count myself. Everyone get out. If husband gets any closer to me I will smack him.

3:03 a.m.
Baby is born! Oh he's beautiful! Oh wait, maybe not. Yeesh. He's kinda ugly. No he's gorgeous. I feel so happy! Give him to me, and stop being so rough with him weird Italian nurse! I'm happy! I'm exhausted! You're going to do stitches where?

3:23 a.m.
Nurses take baby for tests to make sure he's human. Guilt about them chopping off half his 1/2 inch penis the next day starts to sink in. I suddenly realize that if my husband doesn't get me the hungry man's platter from Denny's and feed me within 20 minutes I will have to murder him.

6:23 a.m.
I wake up disoriented in another room. What just happened? I'm so thirsty I need to drink at least 100,000 ounces of water. Nurse brings baby in to breastfeed. My boobs might explode, nobody seems to care. "It's normal," they say. Oh ok, when I call you back because I have torn them off my body we will see who's calling who normal. Nurse cups my boob to help me breastfeed. This is so weird that this is not weird. Is my baby kind of gooney looking? Does that hair have a reddish tint? Oh my gosh this baby is beautiful. It's like crazy how cute he is. Oh wait maybe not. Got a different angle when I switched boobs and his nose is huge. Is that the smushed nose thing from coming out the yina banina or is that his real nose? How long until I know?

8:30 a.m.
Husband walks in room. Why do you look so happy? Oh I guess because you aren't sitting on an ice diaper. Maybe I should have taken that vicodin they offered me. I get up to pee. Am I skinny yet? I walk past mirror. I look like water monster. Still have on sandpaper gown. Must take a shower. Oh my gosh. Do I have to look at my stomach? It's like a waterbed. I think they should have a place we can all go for 3 months to just lounge and breastfeed until we look human again. I am pretty positive the stars do it. I definitely should have eaten that cookie dough.