Dear Mom

There is so much nobody tells you about before you become a mom. It's probably smart, because I'm pretty sure nobody would ever do it, purposely anyway. Sure there's the grumpy frazzled lady who tells you, "you have no idea how tired you will be!" but you smile empathetically at her and just know you will be different. You envision yourself looking like a goddess at 3 a.m. rocking your baby gently back to sleep. You have no idea that you will have crust in your eyes, your face and teeth won't have have been washed in days and you will actually be crying. But it's ok because we are all in this together.

So I decided I think it would be a good idea if there was actually a pamphlet they gave out at the hospital to new moms along with all the breastfeeding suggestions and SIDs warnings. I would title it something like "You are entering the craziest time in your life that will at times be a nightmare but it's also beautiful. Buckle up, sweetheart." I never claimed to be good at pamphlet titles.

1. Not even that new kickboxing pilates class and a gluten free diet is going to bring back your college body. She's gone. Move on.
I gained a LOT of weight with both of my pregnancies. With hard work and determination I lost the weight both times. However, it took me a very long time with each postpartum period, and things do not look the exact same. This second time around I am a bit more at peace with that.

There is a woman at the Y with a body I totally envy. I admit, I kind of stalk her and may or may not sometimes follow her around following her routine. I am pretty sure she has some kind of restraining order on me. I think it's hard not to covet other people's things when you're a mom, whether it's her hot new purse, her perkier butt, or the fact that she has on eye makeup at the Y and you haven't even brushed your hair in 3 weeks. I think being a mom is a lot about coming to peace with what you have. My boobs look like someone dropped an aging clementine in old panty hose. But these old knockers gave 2 growing boys nourishment for 19 total months. My stomach has stretch marks I didn't plan on. But that stomach housed the 2 best things that have ever happened to me. I have permanent bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep I have gotten in the last 3 years. But I have two beautiful children who love me. Coming to peace with the mom body is hard. There have been days I have felt like giving up and have drowned my sorrows in trader joe's cookie butter. But I would like to think those are behind me, and if God has any more sweet babies for me, that I will come to peace with my battle scars. I also pray a little bit that they create an outpatient boob lift.

2. You will be so tired your face will feel like it's going to fall off.
This isn't 60 hour workweek tired. It's a new level of tired. Like, you probably shouldn't operate heavy machinery tired. You know that feeling when you take NyQuil and it's just starting to set in and make your face feel sorta like you could peel it off? Oh good you know then. That's how you're going to feel. Forever. Coffee does help but it just sort of masks the effect, so your face will still feel like it's going to fall off but your legs will keep moving and your arms will keep folding laundry. This brings on the effect that you are outside of your body watching your day go on. And this is what it's like to be a mom.

3. There will be days you love being a mom so much you will feel it was your destiny and calling. There will be days you feel like spending your grocery money on a one-way ticket to Ibiza. Both normal. Both ok.
I spent last Saturday in the ER because I haven't felt like myself since a recent bout of food poisoning. The male nurse was asking me questions while he was trying to put the IV in and asked me what I do. I told him I was a stay-at-home mom. He looked at me increduously and said, "You don't do anything else?" In this day and age of the do-it-all woman, it's almost shameful if you are not also juggling a full-time job, president position at the PTA, a side business where you dress animals like people and take their pictures, and also make the best pumpkin pie at the county fair. Yes, I told him, all I do is raise my children. All my day is focused on making sure they are happy, and fed, and have kind hearts that want to follow Jesus. I actually got really mad afterwards, that someone could make me feel small for just being a mom. It is hard work, and even though I went to grad school and loved working, I really, really, really wanted to be a mom. And just being a mom is OK. In fact it's wonderful. If you are a mom who does one million things and that makes you happy, then that is so wonderful. If you're a mom who is just a mom and that makes you happy, then that's really wonderful too. I just want to stop with all the competing. I don't scrapbook my children's every breath. I don't make homemade baby food. I just nursed 9 months. I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN.  I do rock them to sleep most nights. I do tell them how much I love them all day long. I do take care of a husband too. And I do consider it my responsibility to look after his heart, too. I'm just me. And that's ok.

This morning my 2 year old pooped all over our white slipcover couch. My 9 month old threw up all over our oriental rug about 90 seconds after that because he was eating an apple of the 2 year old's that I didn't notice because I was cleaning up said poop. These kind of mornings definitely err more on the one-way flight to Ibiza side. I always, always think, how in the world would I bring more children into this hot mess? But I'm sure we would have mornings like this, and I'm sure there would be really good mornings too.

4. You will have constant Mom guilt. Nothing is just yours anymore.
Ahh. The mom guilt. Once you lay eyes on that baby, everything about what you do and feel will change. If you finally get a break and get to run to the grocery alone, you will feel guilty the baby had to take a bottle not from you. If your husband takes over night duty for one night, you will feel terrible they didn't get to gaze into your eyes. You feel totally responsible for these little people and their happiness and well being. It's a lot of pressure. I could be wrong but I think that women handle this differently than men. Of course my husband loves our kids and worries about them during the day and if they are happy and healthy. But women just carry this burden so much heavier, it seems to me. I suppose it goes along with how I love them, so much it almost makes my heart heavy. Being a mom is a lot of emotional work! But the rewards are so wonderful you can't even really touch on them. When your child does something that you are proud of, there is really no better feeling in the entire world. The emotional journey to get there just may kill me though.

5. You're doing a good job, momma.
Last but not least. Challenge for today. If you are a woman, while you are out today, try to encourage a mom. We all need it. Find a mom. Doesn't matter if she looks frazzled or on top of the world. Deep down, we are all doubting ourselves. Am I doing this right, will my children need intense therapy, will they grow up to be kind people.....look her straight in the eyes and say, wow, your kids are beautiful. You are doing a great job! And watch her walk away with an extra bounce in your step. Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself with a dove chocolate. And if you're already a mom, you are doing a really good job :)