Traveltastic

Well, on Monday's late-night blog I promised all 8 of my readers I would post the next one about all my frustrations with traveling so here I am! So pull out your annoying travel U-shaped pillow you traveling douche bag. Go ahead, I'll wait. Put it on your neck and pretend it's really helping, as you sit there all stiff like you're going to take the "best nap ever" and wake up "so refreshed" in Cleveland. You think you're better than me because you spent $75 at Brookstone before you boarded the plane? PUH-LEEEZE. I spent $3.99 on my issue of UsWeekly and $1.79 on my enormous bag of Funyons, and once I'm done eating these Funyons, I will let loose a 2 hour long farting brigade that smells so much like onions you may consider asking me if I am carrying onions. So I guess we will just see who comes out the winner on this one. Row 27 is going to get interesting.

The technology post really leads into the traveling post, for me anyway. Whenever I am traveling I am always really alarmed at the lack of updates in technology. Um, excuse me American Airlines but are these the same seats you introduced on your intro plane in 1972? The in-plane phone appears to be non-working, I guess you have unplugged it since everyone age 8 and up HAS CELL PHONES NOW.

When something has happened with your flight and they are trying to rebook you, is it just me or are those monitors the kind of computer Doogie Howser used? Have you ever slightly leaned forward to see what they're doing because it appears they're typing haphazardly and not purposefully? And then when you lean forward they slightly turn the monitor, right after you realize the screen is black and the letters are green, just like that first computer you had at your house in 1988 that you could just play solitaire on?

My father just told me a hilarious story about traveling that really tied in closely with the technology post. He is "about" 50 years old and weighs 200-something lbs, and was traveling in one of the regular seats, not business class. According to him he is "stuffed in like a sardine." He is a large man and I have to admit I am so annoyed when I realize I'm sitting next to a man his size. But I actually totally sympathize because I am pretty average sized and feel like the seats are smaller every time I travel. Getting out to go to the bathroom, which I do every 10 minutes, is like a test of what you learned in the 2 years you took gymnastics as a child. The first stress is whether to go front or back, thus either pushing your booty in the poor passenger next to you or your pikachu. Either is horrible and awkward. Additionally, people are so closed in nowadays you feel horrible for even breathing an inch outside your seat area, not to mention the tense 3 minutes when you are both sitting there thinking, "who is going to have this arm rest."

So my dad goes on to tell me about how once the plane takes off, there is a couple in his little row who have proceeded to take out an entire meal they had obviously brought on to the plane.

This brings me to traveling etiquette tip #397. I know I joked above about the funyons but I really do only do that in desperate times. I.E., if I just really feel like having a bag of funyons. But for the most part, this is just a really rude thing to do. If you are traveling for over 120 minutes in a very confined space, it is probably best you do not open your steaming hot steak sandwhich next to me and eat it with your au ju sauce dripping down your chin, or I may have to throw up all over you.

This particular couple brought on a Boston Market style meal, according to my father, a whole chicken. As he recalls, the entire bird was on American Airlines Flight #2997, bones and all. Understandably, watching this disgusting pair work their way through a whole bird worked up his appetite, but at this point, we all know that we can now only purchase in-air snacks, which are overpriced Teddy Grahams, and when you are a middle aged normal sized male, it's just not going to cut it.

So he moves on from the snack and decides he at least needs a distraction. He tells me he decides he will fork over the $5.95 to buy the airline headphones and watch the TV. Well of course, this is only in my family, because we are just walking jokes, he gets the only pair of headphones in their batch of 10,000 that does not work. Despite the fact that he does not need the $5.95 back, he goes on to ask if he should return the head phones because he cannot hear the show, how would he go about getting a refund? Well it turns out you have to fill out a form and turn it in, all in the name of getting 6 bucks back for an in flight movie gone horribly wrong. My dad loses his keys, credit card, and wallet all at least once a week so the chances of him bringing home the form, filling it out and sending it in are pretty much not happening.

I am about to travel to Miami in 7 days with my 1 year old little boy. I know I must be able to get at least a few blog-worthy stories from my trip as I am traveling alone and no longer have my secret weapon we used last summer when we took him on a 4-hour flight to Boston: Breastfeeding. He was about 8 months old at the time and since he was a growing boy, he would go on the boob pretty much anytime, so I used this as my way to calm him and keep him happy during take off and landing. Oh did I mention I would do this in the wide open, on the aisle seat? By the end of 8 months of breastfeeding I had fed Brooks so many times in random places I would have done it with my top completely off it it meant silence.

With no breastfeeding tool this time, I'll be like a Pioneer in the days of yore, relying solely on books and toys. Prayers would be appreciated.